To beat or not to beat the child?

All psychologists and teachers of the world say with one voice: you can't beat children! This is fraught with moral injuries, a crisis in the relationship with the child, parental insolvency and a bunch of other problems. But why do many mothers continue to practice corporal punishment instead of other, more civilized, ways to calm the child? Where is the red line, beyond which light slaps on the ass turn into abuse, and how to find an alternative to physical punishment? Is it possible to beat a child? 

Why punish a childWhen planning children, we draw idealistic pictures in our imagination: an obedient child does homework, helps his mother and plays peacefully in his room.

He, of course, does not make noise, does not get hysterical and does not harm. But the reality is often strikingly different from our ideas about parenthood. Sometimes children are so mentally exhausting that they simply do not have the strength for self-control and a balanced pedagogical approach.

✓ How to show a child that he is wrong if he does not understand ordinary words?

✓ How to get some actions from a child if he flatly refuses to do them?

✓ How to make a child feel responsible for a serious offense?

Parents who have no answers to these questions are forced to resort to corporal punishment. As a rule, before this they are not interested in the question "Is it possible to beat children?". At first glance, this is an effective method, because by physical influence they make it clear to their child that it is doing something wrong. But if you set yourself the task of not looking for easy ways, then you need to find the answer to the questions "Why?":

✓ Why does the child not hear your requests, and the words of censure are like white noise for him? 

✓ Why has he stopped taking your opinion into account and doing what is expected of him?

✓ Why is the baby mischievous, misbehaves, persists? What does he want to prove and show by this? 

✓ Why does he lack stamina and social behavior skills? 

✓ Why does your authority mean nothing to him?

Such questions are very painfully perceived by parents. After all, we all hope in our hearts that we are raising our children correctly, and if we make mistakes, we quickly correct them and generally keep the situation under control. Alas, practice shows that this is not the case. And all the shortcomings of our parenting tactics are on the surface. They are reflected in the behavior of children. Also read: Should a child sleep with his parentsPhysical punishment and abuse: why you can't beat a child

The motivation of a parent who raises his hand to his child is to some extent noble: "I want him to be obedient," "He must understand that this cannot be done," "If explained once and clearly, there will be no such problem in the future."

And this is true: parents consider physical punishment as a remedy for the problematic behavior of their children. Of course, we are not talking about antisocial personalities who beat children just like that, taking out their aggression on them.

But in fact, there are a lot of other ways to convey to children their wrongness and achieve the necessary actions. Why do people choose physical punishment?

Psychologists explain it this way: children just can't fight back. If we are annoyed by another adult, do we rush into a fight? No. Because we realize that this will be followed by either a physical response or legal responsibility. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to trace the facts of domestic violence in relation to children. And it literally unties your hands. 

Resorting to physical punishments, parents act meanly towards the child. He's weak — so you can hit him. This fact is unpleasant for many to realize, it is much easier to cover up their actions with noble motives. 

Physical punishment has been repeatedly described by psychologists and educators from all over the world. And they all say with one voice: this is child abuse! Eg:

In the UK, corporal punishment has been banned in schools since 1987.

• And in 2005, a law was passed establishing criminal liability for any type of punishment that entails bruises, scratches, cuts and other injuries to a child. 
• Physical punishment in schools has been banned in Canada since 2004. In the family, punishments that harm the child are not allowed, including the use of any objects (for example, hitting the fingers with a ruler, etc.).
• Since 1979, any physical influence on a child has been prohibited in Switzerland.
• In the USA, even a banal slap on the ass can be qualified as an attack, which means that parents are criminally liable for child abuse. 
• The UN Commission on Children's Rights considers physical impact causing pain to be an abuse of parental authority.
• In Ukraine, the law prohibits the physical punishment of children. However, it is impossible to consider child abuse exclusively in the plane of physical punishments.

In fact, emotional abuse can cause no less harm, and sometimes more than a belt strike. 

Parents who are categorically against physical influence for educational purposes often do not shun "verbal flogging". For any error, they proofread their child for a long time and thoroughly, and if the offense is more significant, they can insult, humiliate, call. Such moral pressure threatens dangerous consequences for the child's psyche. Therefore, if you are still punishing a child physically and do not see any alternatives to this, then it's time to learn how to stop hitting a child.

How does a child who is being beaten feelIf corporal punishment is regularly applied to a child, the structures of the brain responsible for memory and emotions change.

The exchange of neurotransmitters is disrupted, and to a greater extent — oxytocin, which is called the attachment hormone. Over time, such a child will experience difficulties with the formation of stable and close relationships — with friends, loved ones, with their own parents. Violations also occur in the brain reinforcement system, which is why the child does not see landmarks through the positive experience he received earlier. This can affect his future, career success and starting a family. 

Against this background, sensitivity to danger increases, suspicion develops, distrust of others. It is more difficult to motivate such a child to study and self-development, it is difficult to interest him in something, to captivate him. 

By nature, a child is drawn to his parents, expects love, attention, and care from them. If he does not receive this, or if all positive signals are blocked by physical and emotional violence, then there is a failure in emotional and motivational regulation. That is, in response to abuse, the child begins to behave even worse. 

If we talk about the delayed consequences of corporal punishment and emotional violence, then we can note the inability of a person who was beaten in childhood to resolve disputes peacefully, to find a compromise. His parents taught him that in any difficult situation, you can use slaps. Why look for other ways? 

Alexander Neill, from the book "Summerhill. Education by freedom" wrote:"Punishment always closes a vicious circle.

Beating is vented hatred, and each new spanking causes more and more hatred in the child."How to punish a child

If it is impossible to punish a child physically and emotionally, and conversations do not always help, then how can we instill in him a sense of responsibility and explain the limits of what is allowed?

The only non—traumatic way to punish children is restriction. But for this method to be effective, follow the rules:

1. Limit entertainment, sweets, access to gadgets. But never deprive a child of dinner, a walk and other things that are fundamentally important for his life and development. No matter how annoyed you are with the offense, the punishment should not affect the normal life of the child.
2. Be consistent in your decisions, and if you have been warned about the impending punishment, do what you promised. Otherwise, the next time the child will think that he will be able to avoid sanctions for bad behavior.
3. Always explain why you are punishing the child. He must clearly understand for what act he is responsible.
4. Do not deprive of what you promised earlier. If you regard parental rules and prohibitions as laws for a single family, then remember: the law has no reverse effect. Accordingly, any restrictions cannot apply to decisions made earlier. 
5. Observe the adequacy in the choice of punishment. Be able to distinguish small pranks from serious offenses. And if the child sincerely repents, offer to correct the situation, and the punishment can be canceled. 

_________________

To beat or not to beat a child is not a matter of choice, but of the moral responsibility of parents for the upbringing of a mentally healthy, full—fledged personality. Even if you have practiced corporal punishment up to this point, abandon them in favor of more gentle, but no less effective methods of education. Good luck!