How to talk to children about sex

Do you know how many myths about sex live in your child's head? From the banal: "Dad kissed Mom… I'm going to have another brother?!" before "You can't get pregnant after the first time."

These myths arise when a child asks questions and does not get specific answers. How often do we go along with our own complexes and do everything possible not to talk to children about this sensitive topic. But children grow up fast, and sexual relations are an integral part of the life of a healthy adult. How to tell children about sex without hesitation, in accordance with the age and development of the child — we analyze in the article.Why is it important

Many parents mistakenly believe that conversations about sex contribute to the early onset of a child's sexual life.

And it happens that such an approach causes irreparable harm to his safety and health. As a rule, for children, sex is a forbidden fruit, which is known to be sweet. Without receiving answers from parents, the child will not stop looking for them. Therefore, sexual education is very important for:

• maintaining a trusting relationship. The child knows that he can contact his parents with any question or problem. This is very useful in adolescence;
• child safety. Children for whom the topic of sex is taboo are more likely to become victims of pedophiles. They are easier to intimidate, mislead and use;
• psychological health. On the street, at school and on the Internet, a child receives perverted information that can cause him serious injury. In the future, such injuries negatively affect a healthy sex life;
• physical health. Incorrect or insufficient information pushes a teenager to find answers "empirically". This is fraught with early pregnancy, abortions or infectious diseases.  

Read also: How to talk to children about death

When to start, how to talk to children about sex and what to talk aboutSome parents expect a specific question from their child to start a conversation about sex.

But the child stubbornly remains silent. This does not mean that he is not interested in this aspect of life. Perhaps the child was trying to find out and faced an unpleasant reaction (condemnation, awkwardness, anxiety, ridicule) from adults or peers. 

Take the initiative into your own hands and use any suitable excuse to strike up a conversation.

For example, the pregnancy of a friend, accidentally hearing the word "sex", or the growing up of the teenager himself. Tell us about how you perceived all this when you were a child yourself. As a last resort, buy a book that corresponds to the age of the child and look at it together. 

There is no need to be embarrassed and stutter if the child still asks questions on a sensitive topic. As a rule, until puberty (9-12 years), children are not interested in sex in the sense that adults invest in it. In this way they get to know the world. When should I start talking to my child about this? To answer the questions in accordance with the age of the child, try to get on the same level of perception with him. That is, to understand which answer will be clear and sufficient for him. 

Children 3-4 years old are usually interested in where they came from and how they got there. Correct answers:

— You came out of Mom's tummy.

— Dad gave mom a special seed that grew in her stomach and turned into a baby.

Psychologists recommend teaching the child the correct names of the genitals: penis (penis), perineum, vagina (vulva), breast. Thanks to this, you will be able to explain to your child the differences between boys and girls, as well as the meaning of accidentally heard words.

Emphasize that the genitals are the same part of the body as the arm or leg. But they are intended only for the child himself and it is not customary to show them to strangers, which is why they are called "intimate". You can not touch other people's genitals and allow strangers to touch their own. Exceptions are parents when bathing a child, and a doctor, but only when mom or dad is around.

Children 6-7 years old begin to ask questions about where this grain is stored and how it gets into their mother's stomach. The best answer is to explain the process without too much detail. For example: children are born when adults love each other and have sex. Sex is when a man's cells (sperm) get inside and connect with a female cell (egg). This happens when a man inserts a penis into a woman's vagina and a special liquid is ejected from the penis. From an egg and a sperm, an embryo is obtained, which eventually turns into a baby.

You can tell children 9-14 years old about the process itself, as well as about the birth of children. Please note that your story should not contain only dry biological facts. Focus not on shame, but on love, emphasize the sensual and emotional side of intimate relationships. 

At the same age, the child's body begins to change: girls' breasts grow, boys' voices change, both have pubic hair and armpits. Explain these physiological aspects, tell the girls about the beginning of menstruation, and tell the boys about nocturnal emissions. They need to understand that this is normal and happens to everyone, so their bodies are preparing to become parents one day. 

At the age of 14-17 (in middle adolescence), it's time to tell children about sexual relations and contraception, as well as about infectious diseases and other consequences of early sexual activity. A teenager should understand that you are giving him information, not a guide to action. Your main message is "Take your time, you will have time for everything." If your teenager considers himself old enough to enter into a sexual relationship, he should be prepared for possible consequences.Principles of confidential communication

Questions about sex, as well as attitudes to this process, are very different in children of different ages.

But there are basic principles that must be observed in conversations on this sensitive topic. How to tell a child about it correctly:Sex is good, normal and only for adults.

1. The first and most important principle that will allow you to talk to your child without embarrassment and intimidation. You clearly distinguish between children and adults, and the child has no desire to apply the information received in practice. 
2. Truthfulness. It is important for the child to get the right information from you. Your false answers give him a wrong idea of the world. 
3. Dosage. Answer only the questions that the child asks. Do not go into excessive physiological details, they can harm the child's psyche.
4. Clarity. Explain complex concepts in simple language. Do not overload the child with topics that clearly do not correspond to his age.
5. The right atmosphere. It is not necessary to put the child opposite and solemnly declare: "It's time to talk to you about sex." Your relationship should be trusting and open, and the reason should be unobtrusive.
6. Respect. Do not laugh and do not show indifference, no matter how naive the child's questions or the teenager's experiences may seem. Do not discuss children's problems with friends, especially in their presence. Communicate with a teenager from the position of an equal.
7. An alternative. If you can't overcome embarrassment or are just afraid of messing up something, suggest other sources of information: books, educational authoritative sites. 
8. Feedback. After answering the question of a child or teenager, make sure that he understood you correctly. If he "self-learns" from books, offer to discuss their contents and answer those questions that remained unsolved.
9. Gender difference. Until the age of six or seven, it does not matter which parent answers the child's questions about sex. After that, it will be better for mom to talk to the girl, and dad to talk to the boy. Thus, each of the parents will be "on their own territory" and will be able to give the child a more complete idea of physiology, growing up and sexuality. But if the child wants to hear the opinion of a particular parent, do not refuse.
10. Personal reinforced concrete borders. Do not make the child a confidant of your intimate life. So you violate the inviolability of your space and depart from your role. Believe me, a child of any age should not know what is going on in your bedroom.

What not to sayWhen you asked your parents questions about the most taboo topic in society, you usually heard banal phrases: 

— You were brought by a stork (found in cabbage, bought in a store, sent by aliens and other "folklore");

— Children are born from kissing.

— When you grow up, you'll find out!

— It's a sin to be interested in such things!

— From whom did you learn about these nasty things? So I'll tell his mom!

— What, have you grown big already? Mother, come look at our man!

— You should think about studying, not about boys!

— You see, the flower has pistils and stamens…

These and similar phrases will not help to establish a trusting relationship. The child will grow up and still find out that you lied to him in such difficult key issues. And in the future, he will not have the desire to share and consult with you in matters of relationships, development and growing up. Such answers will not protect him from reality, and interest will drive him to look for information in other unreliable sources. Other nuances

Masturbation

Self—satisfaction in childhood is not so much a process of sexual discharge as a way to relieve nervous tension.

If you catch a child masturbating, do not scold or shame him. In adult life, sexual pleasure for him will be associated with a ban. 

If you accidentally witnessed a teenager masturbating, just accept that your child has grown up. Emphasize that self—satisfaction is a normal and healthy, but intimate process. And in the future he has to do it when no one is watching. From now on, make sure not to violate his personal boundaries and knock before entering.  

The rights of a teenager in a relationshipYour task is to introduce a teenager not only to the physiological side of sexual relations, but also to talk about them in a moral and ethical aspect.

It is important to convey to the teenager that in adult life and relationships there are certain rules that must be followed. 

A teenager has the right:to refuse a date, despite the insistence of an acquaintance;

• refuse to have sex if he is not ready for this step; refuse to do anything, even if a friend (girlfriend) really wants it;
• not to meet or maintain a relationship with anyone;
• not to accept the attentions and courtship of a person who is not interesting to him;
• to break up with a person who humiliates or causes pain;
• get support and help if needed.

At the same time, it should not:insist on a date;

• pursue and show persistent signs of attention if his chosen one is against; 
• insist on sex or other intimate relationships if his partner is not ready;
• offend, humiliate or hurt your partner.

*****

Talking about sex is primarily a conversation about your body, health and safety. Sexual education is not yet included in the school educational program. Therefore, the best thing you can do for a child is to answer his questions honestly and openly and support him in any situation. And do not forget that there is already enough literature about sex for children.