How to teach a child to respond when he is offended

Children learn to communicate from birth — by the example of family relationships. They adopt dispute resolution tactics from their parents: how they settle conflicts among themselves, with their other children, relatives. You can teach a child constructive communication as much as you like, but if domestic quarrels at home turn into a powerful confrontation with mutual insults, you should not be surprised that your child will manifest himself in the same way in the children's collective. 

But even if the skill to extinguish conflicts is successfully mastered, it does not always save from direct aggression. Sometimes you need to show remarkable courage and determination not to let yourself be offended. How to teach a child to fight back? Why does the child not fight back

"Mom, they're hurting me in the garden," the kid complains, showing another abrasion.

It's not easy to keep calm when your child is being bullied, and he can't stand up for himself and stop the attacks. But letting things go on the brakes is not an option, otherwise bullying and punches will become a familiar way of communicating with your child. 

Why can't he stand up for himself? There are several reasons:✓ features of the child's temperament — soft, indecisive, extremely calm children simply get lost in front of abusers and do not know how to react to their provocations; Read also: Why does Ruben need rules

✓ reflection of the internal situation in the family — it happens that one of the parents is a clear dominant.

He dictates the way of life, his word is decisive. Relatives adapt to his position and prefer not to engage in confrontation. The same adaptation mechanism will act in the child in relation to the offender — instead of an adequate reaction, he will simply adapt to aggression and will tolerate;

non—resolution to fight back - the child does not know that it is possible and necessary to take measures against the aggressor. Even if earlier he complained about the attacks to his parents, they not only waved him off, but also shamed him: "It's his own fault that it didn't work out with classmates, you need to be friends with everyone";

programming — parents constantly repeat that good children do not fight, or vice versa — reproach the child for weakness. Such attitudes form the perception of oneself as a person who simply cannot speak out against the offender.

Should parents interfere in children's conflictsIt all depends on the complexity of the situation and the age of the child.

As a rule, teenagers are extremely reluctant to tell their parents about their relationships with their peers. And even if bullying takes place, it is problematic to get a word out of them on this topic. Problems become known from outsiders.

For kindergarten-age children and younger schoolchildren, parental support is extremely important in any difficult situations, and even more so if they become a "target" for attacks. And it is very important that the parent immediately knows how to teach the child to respond to the offender.

How can parents help:Identify the provocateur.

1. Sometimes the aggressor is not the one who directly offends the child, but a third person. Other children, parents, and even teachers /caregivers, to whom your child may be uncomfortable in some way, can incite unseemly acts. Your experience, insight and ability to understand the causes of the situation should be enough to identify the true provocateur, and not punish his "performer". 
2. Protect the child. To begin with, you need to bring together the participants in the conflict: the parents of the offender, the educator / teacher, the psychologist. And if aggression is expressed in fights — the administration of the kindergarten or school. There is no need to make a row and threaten, your task is to find a compromise and make sure that bullying stops. As soon as the child feels that mom and dad are ready to protect him, he himself will become morally stronger to fight back. The offender will also draw his conclusions — he will find out that his "victim" is not a victim at all, there is someone to stand up for her. 
3. Eliminate traumatic factors. If it was not possible to reach a compromise with the aggressor's parents, it may make sense to transfer the child to another class/group. 

In protecting a child, it is important for parents to agree among themselves and develop a unified strategy of action, because any disagreements will only complicate the situation. If the position of mom and dad is fundamentally different, it may make sense to go to family therapy, because the problem threatens to escalate into an intra—family conflict. And even if some compromise is reached, there is a risk that one of the parents will still try to win the child over to their side. 

If everything is fine in the family, then any difficult situation will unite it even more: mom, dad, grandparents act as a united front, creating a feeling of strong ground under the feet of the child and reliable protection.

How to act in conflict situationsLet's look at some examples of conflict situations in a children's collective:

Accidentally pushed Why did this happen:

Children are active, mobile, inattentive.

They can run without seeing obstacles, they can play too much and exceed their efforts (for example, throwing a ball). What should parents do:

Explain to the child that he was pushed by accident. He just happened to be there at the wrong moment. There is no need to give back in this case. It is better to warn the fidget to play / run away from other children. 

Called a funny nicknameWhy did this happen:

Girls react especially acutely to this.

A hurt ego provokes strong emotions: it seems to the child that they wanted to offend him with such a nickname.What should parents do:

Inventing funny nicknames among children is not uncommon. They want to show originality, show off wit. Sometimes these are quite harmless epithets like "ginger" or "sonya". But offensive nicknames like "tall" or "bespectacled" are also not uncommon. Find out exactly how your child was named. If it is quite innocent — cheer him up, explain that there is nothing wrong with this word. For example, "redhead" is because classmates like your beautiful hair the color of fire. The authors of mocking nicknames should immediately come up with an "answer" — the same offensive epithets. Let them stay in the shoes of those whom they decided to tease.Insulted with an obscene word

Why did this happen:

Children mostly hear obscene language at home: from adults, on TV.

And after that, they use a mat in situations when they cannot express their emotions in normal words. What should parents do:

An adequate response of a child in such a situation is to shame the offender.

To say that educated people do not use such words. And if he is ill-mannered, then let him communicate with his own kind. Such a rebuff will cool down the ardor of even the most inveterate swearer, because no one wants to be considered uncouth.Hit once

Why did this happen:

Physical impact, as a consequence of the conflict, is unacceptable and cannot be justified by anything.

However, many children fight even though their parents have explained to them many times that this cannot be done. Why? There are many reasons: this is an example of adults, and hidden aggression, and inability to cope with emotions.What should parents do:

Tell your child that no one has the right to beat him. But if this happens, hitting back is an adequate, but still not the best way out. Aggression breeds aggression, and it is much better to try to resolve the conflict with words. It is worth involving adults, explaining to the offender the concept of personal boundaries and the inadmissibility of their violation. Periodically beaten, pushed, bitten

Why did this happen:

Bullying is a problem of modern society.

It occurs not only in children's groups, but also in any environment where completely different people are together. Stronger personalities suppress the weak, guided by their instincts. And the task of the weak is to gain courage and fight back.What should parents do:

If attacks on your child are repeated periodically, collective harassment is organized, verbal clashes turn into beatings, you need to use all possible ways of self-defense.

The easiest way is to remove the child from the traumatic environment. But running away won't solve the problem. It is much more productive to show him an example of fighting for his rights, and not just fighting, but winning. Involve all parties to the conflict: relatives of the abusers, other children (witnesses of clashes) and their parents, teachers, the school administration, and in special cases, the police. Your task is to make the situation as public as possible in order to achieve adequate measures against offenders.*****

Sometimes it is worth giving children the opportunity to figure out the situation themselves, experiment, achieve the desired result, face feedback. In this case, the task of parents is only to gently correct their actions, allowing them to fill their own bumps and develop their own behaviors. You need to be there, offer help, teach, but not solve the child's problems instead. And think about this, if you don't know how to teach a child to fight back against abusers, then maybe you can't stand up for yourself.