10 reasons why children don't hear their parents. What should I do if a child ignores you?

The child does not comply with your requests and again forces you to take extreme measures? You lose your temper, shout and punish him, but ... it does not bring results. It seems to you that the child does not draw any conclusions and just acts to spite you. In fact, the child's behavior suggests that it is you who make mistakes. And today you will learn about why children aged 3 to 11 years are often ignored and how to teach a child to hear their parents.  

Reason 1: Lack of eye contactThe situation: the kid is concentrating on sculpting something out of plasticine, assembling a constructor or enthusiastically watching cartoons.

Standing on the threshold of the nursery, you call him to lunch and immediately leave. After a while, repeat the request, but in a raised tone, while in the kitchen. The child still doesn't come, and then you fly into the nursery like a fury and start screaming. The child looks at you in surprise. Only now he has heard your request for the first time.

Mistake: the younger the child, the less attention he has. A child who is passionate about the game simply does not hear when his parents turn to him.

Tip: come close, put your hand on the child's shoulder and call him by name. A person's name is a universal key that activates his attention. When the child turns around and looks into your eyes, repeat your request in a calm voice. Eye contact is a very powerful thing. Try to use this power for good. 

Also read: How to properly punish a childReason 2: Screaming

Situation: continuation of the previous one.

The child hardly breaks away from his studies, and then you indignantly shout: "Go eat immediately, as much as you can call!". His first wish will be not to fulfill your request, but to hide somewhere far away. If he catches the meaning of the demand, he will fulfill it rather out of fear.

Error: when you communicate with a child by shouting, the following happens: 

• the child is lost and does not understand what is required of him and why it needs to be done. He will do what you want, but he won't remember any of it. And next time he will repeat the same mistake, and you will have to shout again;
• the child will stop taking you seriously if you speak in a calm tone. As long as you don't raise your voice, you can be ignored;
• the child begins to communicate with you in a similar way. While he is small, your cry acts because it sounds threatening to him. As soon as he grows up, the scream will stop working.

Tip: shouting is justified if you want to call a child and stand out against the background of the general noise. In other cases, learn to convey your point of view in a different way. If you want to teach a child to hear parents, then state your position in a calm voice and be sure to justify your request. These arguments must be convincing for the child to make him pay attention to your words. For example: "It's time for lunch. If you don't sing now, you won't have the strength to walk on the playground until the evening."

Reason 3: Immediate reactionSituation:

you are walking on the playground. The child has played out, but you understand that it's time to go home. You wait until the last moment, then grab his hand on the run and announce that you are leaving right now. The kid nodded and ... ran to play on. After a while you repeat the request, but the child ignores the requests and continues to play.

Mistake: you are waiting for an immediate reaction to your words. But psychologists say that children perceive information in a few seconds.

Tip: don't expect an immediate reaction and obedience. Give your child time to comprehend your words and react to them. Warn about your actions in advance. For example: "In 15 minutes we will go home. During this time, you will have time to roll down the slide ten more times, ride the swing and say goodbye to the kids."

Find out what you need to do so that your child HEARS and LISTENS to you - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". 

Reason 4: Long chain of actionsSituation:

you are going for a walk and tell the kid: "Take toys with you, get dressed and put on shoes." While the child is thinking about what to choose — a shovel or a typewriter, he will forget that he needs to put on a sweater and take gloves. And here he is rushing around the apartment in confusion, and at this time you are loudly indignant at his stupidity.

Mistake: you are forming a chain of sequential actions for the child, some links of which may fall out of his attention. It is obvious to you that it is in this order that you need to get ready for the street.  The child does not fulfill requests because it is difficult for him to remember and correctly perform this sequence. His attention is focused on one thing.

Tip: give recommendations one by one and follow the implementation of each of them. Remember: one request is one action. For example: "Choose toys and put them in a backpack," and only after that you start dressing.

Reason 5: A lot of lettersSituation: you were distracted for a second, and the child climbed onto the highest horizontal bar on the playground.

You rush to him and in one breath give out something like: "Well, get off this horizontal bar immediately, don't you remember how last time you fell and broke your arm? Do you want to get hurt again?!"

Mistake: the child will not understand anything from your verbose emotional tirade. Most likely, he will fulfill the requirement because he will be afraid of your tone and facial expression. Children have a short memory, they live in the moment. And in a moment of joy and fun, the child will not remember about the past negative experience at all and will not be able to assess the consequences.

Tip: don't be verbose, speak briefly and to the point. The requirement that you want to convey to the child should be concise and understandable. Say: "Get off the horizontal bar, please. You might fall." When the child has heard you and fulfilled the request, you can remind him of what happened before to warn him against the sad consequences.

Reason 6: Non-obvious requestsSituation: a day off, the child eats cookies with pleasure and watches a cartoon.

And then you puzzle him with strange questions: "Are you going to make the bed today? Maybe it's time to comb your hair and change into your pajamas?". The child habitually ignores or even gives out: "I'm not going to, everything suits me," and continues to go about his business. In this case, you won't even have a reason to force him to fulfill your requirements.  

Mistake: with the help of such questions, you hint to the child that you are dissatisfied with his behavior or appearance. But you should not ask them, because the child simply will not catch their secret message. 

Tip: Be as specific as possible and directly ask the child to do this or that action. It is better if you give him the right to choose within this task. For example: "It's time to make the bed. Will you do it now or after the cartoon?"

Reason 7: Insidious particle "NOT"Situation: a child is walking in the yard under your supervision.

You warn him in advance: "Don't try to climb a tree!". And literally five minutes later, the child is sitting on the same tree. "I didn't listen again, what an obnoxious child!", — you lament and start swearing and wailing.

Mistake: the fact is that before your phrase, the child, in principle, did not consider the tree as an object for climbing. But the human psyche is arranged in this way: we visualize what we hear about. Some of your prohibitions may draw the child's attention to things and situations that would have gone unnoticed without your prompting. When you ask a child NOT to do something, he should imagine this action in his imagination, and then forbid himself to do it. And at this moment, the child may not be able to resist and still try to do it.

Tip: try to form any requests without a particle of NOT, using direct instructions to action. For example: "Play in the sandbox, collect nuts under the tree," etc. When you focus the child's attention on his request, it is much easier for him to fulfill it.

Reason 8: Lack of punishmentSituation: you come home from work tired and ask the child to wash the dishes.

The child says "Right now" and continues to go about his business. Half an hour later, you repeat the request and hear the same thing in response. It seems to you that the child is ignoring. After asking him for help for the third time and not waiting for her, you silently go to wash the dishes yourself. 

Mistake: the child is used to your requests, listens to them in the background and is in no hurry to fulfill them. He just knows that it usually does not go beyond requests or prohibitions and no punishment will follow for disobedience. If the child ignores your requests constantly, it means that you have not formed proper respect for your words.

Tip: teach your child that your requests are important and must be fulfilled. Ask the child to do something a maximum of three times. For the first time, voice your request and make sure that the child has heard it. The second time, remind me that you have already asked twice. And warn that failure to comply with the request will entail sanctions for inattentiveness to your words. For the third time, the request is already accompanied by sanctions.

Can't think of a punishment? Try another method: shift the responsibility for the completed or unfulfilled assignment onto the shoulders of the child. For example: "You have half an hour to get ready for school. We're leaving the house in half an hour, and if you forget something, you'll explain it to the teacher yourself." In this way, you will allow the child to feel the consequences of disobedience on himself.

Reason 9: Excessive bansSituation:

you and your family came to the cafe, settled down and made an order. The child got his plate and started eating. And then it started: "Don't lick your fingers!", "You can't eat so much pizza at a time!", "Don't put your elbows on the table!", "Don't take so many napkins!", "Don't grab the menu, you can't read anyway!", "Don't pick up food from the floor!" and so on.

Mistake: when remarks come in a continuous stream, they turn into "white noise" for the child. The mechanism of displacement works in such a way that the child does not take seriously the next ban, which he hears regularly.

Tip: Pay attention to the number of your bans. If you want your child to take them seriously, reduce their number by several times. Forbid only what is really fundamental and important. 

Consider your comments from the point of view of common sense. Evaluate them from the position of "what of this can I allow so as not to harm anyone". Let there be only one ban for every five of your endorsements. For example:

• "Yes, you can lick your fingers, but you need to wash your hands thoroughly before that."
• "Yes, you can eat a third slice of pizza, but you will have to do without sweets"
• "Yes, put your elbows on the table if it's convenient for you. Just make sure not to push someone else's cup or plate off the table"
• "Yes, take as many napkins as you need"
• "Yes, take a look at the menu, that's why it's on the table."
• "No, you can't pick up food from the floor. You don't want to get sick and then be treated for a long time, do you?"

Reason 10: Parents don't hear childrenSituation: the child enthusiastically tells you about something, asks questions and waits for your advice or approval.

At the same time, you are looking for something in your bag, flipping through the news feed or thinking about your own. And so, when the child has finished the story and is waiting for your reaction, you look up and say: "What? Repeat, please, I didn't hear (a)."

Mistake: children learn everything from their parents, including communication skills. If you yourself do not know how to listen and hear, respect the opinion of the interlocutor, how can you teach this to a child? Eventually, he will begin to treat you the same way: ignore your words, brush off requests and not be interested in your life.

Tip: put everything aside and listen carefully to the child. If you can't stop everything immediately, say that you will be ready to listen in five (ten, fifteen) minutes. Do not rush the child, do not interrupt and do not devalue his problems. Conduct a dialogue: ask questions, listen to the answers. Give advice, if necessary, and find something to praise for, this is very important for the baby.

Do you want to learn more about the true needs of your child so that your relationship with him becomes better? Register for Dmitry Karpachev's free online intensive. Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift. How to teach a child to hear parents: the main advice 

These mistakes will be repeated again and again, and advice will not work if you do not have a trusting relationship with your child.

Children and parents often have diametrically opposite views on the situation. This becomes the main reason for frequent conflicts. Parents believe that they criticize the child reasonably. But the child lives with the idea that he constantly does bad things, makes mistakes and is only able to cause dissatisfaction of parents. Gradually, all their words begin to be perceived as quibbles, and the parents themselves become enemies. 

Analyze your behavior and ask yourself questions:Do you show respect for the child's personality?

• Do you give him the right to make decisions independently and be responsible for them?
• How often does your criticism of a child have a sharp emotional coloring? 
• How often do you criticize and devalue activities that bring him pleasure and are important to him?
• How does the child perceive you: an eternally dissatisfied and indignant opponent or an ally who will always protect and support?
• Does the child know that you are on his side and are always ready to help?
• Will you fulfill the requirements, wishes and requests of the person from whom one negative comes?

Honest answers to these questions will help you find and eliminate mistakes in communicating with your child. When the child sees you as an ally, he will begin to listen more carefully to your words.

*****

The kids can't hear us. The children are looking at us. Set a personal example of partnership and interaction. Learn to negotiate and give reasonable arguments in support of your position. This will become the basis of your relationship, and you will be a sensible parent who first of all thinks about the interests of the child.Modern children are completely different, they are not like we were. That is why they need a special campaign and more modern methods of education. Learn about these techniques at Dmitry Karpachev's free master class on child age psychology. Register right now using the link.  On April 29, 2020, 2022-11-27, 2020-04-29 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?