How to become a friend to your own child

Friendship between parents and children corresponds to the paradigm of liberal education. It implies close, trusting relationships, mutual respect, help and support. If you have set yourself the goal of becoming a friend to a child, do it right, because in this format there are both unconditional advantages and some disadvantages. Read the article and find out how to become a friend to a child, while remaining his parent. Parents' opinion: friendship with a child is great

Remembering ourselves as children, we try to avoid the mistakes that our parents made.

And it's not necessarily about childhood traumas and global family problems. It may even be little things that are firmly stuck in the memory, and we do not want them to repeat in the lives of our children. 

For example, if the parents did not take into account the opinion of the child and bought him clothes / shoes at their discretion, then in adulthood he will try so that his children do not feel annoyed by things that they do not like.

It is worth making an amendment to the living conditions during our childhood. Most parents were forced to work hard and hard to provide the family with everything they needed. And there was not much time left for participation in the children's lives, for joint entertainment and confidential conversations. Now the situation has changed in many ways, and we, modern parents, are trying to pay more attention to our children, spend leisure time with them, make it diverse and interesting.

We believe that it is friendship with a child that is the key to raising a full—fledged and healthy personality that grows in an atmosphere of love, mutual respect and equality. Psychologist's opinion: you don't need to be friends with your children

Probably, this position may surprise someone.

But let's look at the essence of friendship. This is a horizontal relationship, when I am equal to a friend, and a friend is equal to me. But after all, a parent should be someone more than a friend. Friends are not obliged to protect, provide, take care of the child. They are not always able to properly understand the situation and provide assistance. They do not feel fully responsible for the life, health, development and upbringing of a person. All these are the duties of parents.Also read: How to help a child do homework. What is more important than grades? Relations with them should be built vertically.

Because by virtue of experience, an adult can do immeasurably more for a child. You can rely on them in a difficult situation, they know and are able to solve problems that inevitably arise in the process of growing up a child. In such a relationship, the question of how to become a friend to your child is not entirely appropriate. 

It turns out that the relationship "child + parents" is much deeper than "child + friend". But this does not mean that one cannot include the other. We can be friendly with children in some sense, but only from the position of understanding the true meaning of this format of relationships.

If you do not fully understand which format of the relationship between you and your child will bring the best result in education, then be sure to register for Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". What is friendship?

What is the basis of it? The easiest and fastest answer you will get by analyzing the relationship with your friends. ✓ Who do you trust? 

✓ Who do you tell about your problems and listen to advice?

 ✓ Who are you afraid of offending and want to please?

 Surely, you have at least one such person in your environment.

If you have such feelings for him, then just look at what they are based on. Remember how this close person treats you? How did he earn your trust and sincere friendship?

Probably, he supported you in a difficult situation, did not criticize, listened, advised, provided all possible assistance. He's always there when you need him. It is interesting to communicate with him, spend time with him, and so on. 

You can do the same with your child. Do to him as your closest friend does to you. And then your relationship will reach a new level — much higher than just friendship, because they will be based not only on friendly feelings, but also on love, responsibility, spiritual and social closeness of loved ones.

Education in the spirit of mutual respectRespect is at the heart of friendships.

We do not think about whether it is worth respecting our friends. This option is present by default. We choose words in communication, restrain our reactions, are interested in the opinion of a friend. It is important to us that a friend does not think badly of us. 

And in relation to children, as a rule, the opposite is true. Many parents believe that a child is a disenfranchised being, he must obey, his opinion does not solve anything, you can shout at him, and sometimes hit him on the ass if he is guilty. You can focus on its shortcomings and dismiss children's problems that seem insignificant. How long will friendship between adults last with such an attitude to each other? A few days. 

Therefore, mutual respect should become a priority for you in raising a child. This does not mean at all that you will now engage in connivance and turn a blind eye to his misdeeds. You only need to change your reaction. 

Let's look at an example: a child broke a vase. Your first reaction is to yell at him, call him a klutz and send him to the corner. But try to imagine if a vase was broken by your close friend. What would you do? You probably would have been a little upset, but you understood that he didn't do it on purpose. And, most likely, they would have waved their hand and said "for luck", right?

Do the same with your child. The only difference is that he needs to explain what happened and tell about his feelings. If an adult friend, by virtue of life experience, understands that his mistake has upset you, then children need to patiently explain the consequences of what happened. 

Something like this: "I am very upset that my favorite vase is broken. But I understand that you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not offended by you. Please be careful next time, don't run down the corridor so fast." 

Do you want to learn how to communicate properly with your child so that he hears you, listens and makes the right conclusions?  Then register for Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

The ability to control your emotions and express feelings in a simple, understandable and harmless form for a child meets the principles of emotional education.

This system is based on the early development of emotional intelligence — the ability to read the emotions, intentions and motives of other people. Its features are well described in the book "The Test of a Child" (J. Gottman and J. Schwartz-Gottman):

"... emotional education does not mean lack of discipline. In fact, when you are emotionally close to your children, you invest more in them, which means you can have a greater influence on them. Your position allows you to be strict." 

The point is that taking into account and respecting the emotions of your child is not the same as allowing his pranks and outright sabotage. You can be a strict, demanding parent, but the child must understand your motivation and know that this is only a reaction to the offense, and not your attitude towards him. 

The concept of education in the spirit of mutual respect was described by the famous Polish teacher Janusz Korczak: 

"A child is an independent, separate person. This is not a future person, as is commonly believed by adults. A child lives a full life at any stage of his growing up, so he should be treated as an equal." 

If you want your children to be afraid of upsetting you, try not to upset them yourself. If you want your opinion to be important to them, be interested in their opinion first of all. If you count on trust, show it yourself.

Checklist for parentsClose, trusting, respectful relationships between parents and children are a movement towards each other.

You take a step — the child takes a step in response. And the more such steps you take during your life, the shorter the distance between you will be. 

To help parents, there is a checklist to check whether your attitude towards your child corresponds to the principles of education in the spirit of mutual respect.

Check yourself on each item:We spend a lot of time with the child.

1. We do something around the house, do creative work, walk, have fun. I am not bothered by these classes, I approach them with enthusiasm and interest.
2. I support my child in a difficult situation. I never read it in front of strangers, I do not allow other people/ children to offend.
3. My child can contact me with any problem. And I will do everything to help him. 
4. I like to praise and encourage the child even for small achievements. I'm proud of him.
5. I never impose with help. I propose, but I do not insist on my intervention in the situation.
6. I respect the wishes and opinions of my child, I do not force him to obey his will. And if his choice is undesirable in some way, I patiently and in detail explain why it is not worth doing so. 
7. I control myself even in difficult circumstances. I restrain myself, I don't shout, I don't use physical punishment, because my arguments and methods of persuasion are more effective. 

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The Biblical truth says: "Do to others as you want them to do to you." Do you want a friendly, trusting and close relationship with your children? Start first of all with yourself. Be the initiator and set a good example, and the children will definitely respond in kind. Learn how to do this and where to start at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". April 29, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-04-29 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?