Who are you in your relationship with children — a servant or a queen?

In our society, the stereotype continues to live that after the birth of a child, the life of a family, and especially of a woman, changes dramatically. The usual things and hobbies fade into the background, and now everything revolves around the baby. On the one hand, this is true, but on the other hand, it is extremely harmful to plant this opinion on a young mother. Because if suddenly she does not have the desire to devote herself to the child, she will feel guilty. Moreover, the "well—wishers" will not let her relax, constantly hinting that it is better to devote time to the family than to run to work, to the theater or, much worse, to a cafe with girlfriends.

It is under the pressure of such a stereotype that one of the most numerous types (if I may say so) is formed mam is a servant mom. Their antagonists are considered to be queen mothers. This sounds better, and in fact — a more sensible approach to parenting. Let's take a closer look at these concepts.

Mama-the Queen — what is she like?Selflessly loving her children, but not throwing her life at their feet.

And let it sound a little rude, but in general it is. The Queen is something great, meaningful, interesting, and respectful. This is not a royal person, but just a woman who remained so after the birth of children. 

Also read: How to avoid emotional burnout: 14 tips for parents

The queen mother has her own hobbies, separate from the family and children. She is smart, interesting, takes care of herself, she has a wide social circle and a busy life. It's nice to watch her, I want to ask her for advice (and listen to him). It's fun and cool with her. She will give a head start in roller skating, she has more Instagram followers than her teenage daughter, men are still staring at her, causing dad to grumble. 

Such a mother is complimented by friends of children. She is the best travel companion on tourist trips. With her, you can discuss new movies and laugh at jokes from school life. 

At the same time, the mother queen carefully observes her boundaries. If she is busy, then she is not there in every sense. If she asks for help in some way, as a rule, she is obeyed. If he just wants to relax, this desire is respected by all the household. 

The Queen does not get lost in difficult situations, she knows how to help and who to call. He is able to solve conflicts and "raise clouds with his hands." She respects her children and fully enjoys reciprocal respect. 

What about the maid mom?Kind, sweet, soft…

Her house is in perfect order, and there is a pile of fresh pies on the kitchen table. She will have time to wash her shoes almost before the child took them off after returning from the street. Mom-maid is trouble-free and always there. But her sincere desire to help for some reason causes only irritation. 

The mother-servant once in the distant past was a carefree girl. She once had a husband. Perhaps he is still there, but no longer as a husband in the direct sense, but rather as a neighbor, a good friend, another "child" who, out of habit, needs to be taken care of. 

It's too lazy to obey the mother-servant — she'll go-she'll go and do everything herself. After all, she is happy to take care of her family. Her children learn to fold a briefcase by the 8th grade, not earlier. Why strain the child? He'll work hard in his life.

When children have difficulties, the mother-servant learns about them last of all. Well, what can she do? Defending the interests of her child is not a task for her. She would rather resolve the issue peacefully, even to her own detriment. The main thing is that no one finds out about anything and does not think badly of her.

Of the hobbies of the mother-servant, only near-everyday topics: cooking, sunsets for the winter, knitting rugs. Children, as a rule, are not interested in such activities. Such a mother constantly tells her children that she lives for them and for them. And when they grow up and scatter around the world, he feels a huge emptiness in his life, which is unclear how to fill.If the situation is similar to yours and you want to get rid of the status of "mother - servant", but you don't know how to do it, then right now, right now, register for Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".  

Are you a servant or a queen?Perhaps the description of these two concepts is slightly exaggerated.

No one has canceled situations where the mother is sometimes a servant, but does not forget to include the queen when necessary. And vice versa — the queen, by virtue of duty and her personal desire, can quite organically enter into the role of a servant. And without being at all embarrassed by such an image. 

If you know how to keep a balance between these two hypostases — great. But if you are lurching towards the mother-servant, it's worth starting to change. And here's why:The servant mom sooner or later notices that her efforts are not appreciated, and disappointment follows.;

• she moves away from her husband, plunging into caring for children, and this is a direct threat to the existence of marriage;
• having taken on too much, she feels like a cornered horse;
• she has narrowed her circle of interests so much that she simply does not know life, there is nothing to talk about with her except everyday issues;
• the mother-servant devotes all her time to children, so she often does not work, and this makes her independent, unable to live without the support of her husband.

It may be difficult and unpleasant for you to see the features of a servant mother in yourself. Understand that most of these characteristics are relevant to you. But more self-criticism, and everything will work out. It's like jumping into an ice hole: at first it's scary, and then — a huge surge of strength. Try it!

How to become a queenIf you have analyzed your life and really don't want your children to perceive you as a servant mom, this is already a huge achievement.

The path of change is not easy, not only difficulties, but also doubts will await you on it:

✓ "If I stop being a maid and do everything for the children and around the house — who will do it?"Hire a housekeeper, a nanny.

If there is no such possibility, buy yourself electronic assistants: a dishwasher, a robot vacuum cleaner, a dryer. You can generally do without financial injections by redistributing household chores between family members. Even a child of 4-5 years old can be instructed to keep order in his room. And the husband just has to wash the plate for himself!

✓ "What if I'm not interested in anything? All my thoughts are about children"Great, then think not only about your own, but also about other people's children too.

Become, for example, a volunteer, help in an orphanage, a children's hospital. You can't imagine how much pride your children will have for such a mother!

✓ "How will the husband react to the changes?"You know better.

But it is unlikely that any man will mind if a beautiful and perfumed beauty goes to bed with him in the evening, and a tired woman who has been plowing around the house and coughing all day will not fall like a dead weight. 

✓ "Children are not used to listening to me. They will not support these changes"They will support you.

Children are surprisingly plastic, especially if you don't hide your true purpose from them. So tell me — I want more time for myself, I want to relax and go to the movies. Help me with this. 

✓ "Won't I become selfish if I stop taking care of children?"Firstly, the queen mother takes great care of the children.

He just doesn't stifle them with his care and always leaves a little time for himself in the daily routine. Secondly, it is always useful to give children a little space to educate them into independent personalities. Thirdly, people who value themselves are valued by others. If your time becomes valuable, your family will soon get used to it and will not perceive it as selfishness. 

✓ "Won't I look ridiculous if I suddenly become a queen mom?"Quite possibly.

At least in their own eyes. Therefore, make smooth changes — more healthy selfishness, rest, pleasantness for yourself. Mark your small achievements in your diary and make plans for the future. And then, after about a year, evaluate the progress and take an unbiased look at your new self — you will like it!

Register for Dmitry Karpachev's free online interactive and find out how to maintain a balance between the roles: mother, woman, wife! Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift. *****

The transformation from a servant mom to a queen mom is like the birth of a butterfly. This is a natural process that many women go through. Some a few months after the birth of the child, others — after the release of the decree, others — even later. There are also those who live in the hypostasis of a servant all their lives, reproaching grown-up children for their own choice… Do you want to join them? Unlikely. So, forward to the changes! 

Make this transformation as quickly as possible, as well as comfortably, for yourself, the child and the whole family. Dmitry Karpachev's free master class on child age psychology will help you with this. Register using the link.  April 30th, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-04-30 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?