Secrets of high-quality parental attention

Did you know that there is not just attention that parents pay to their children, but quality attention. This is a fundamentally different kind of communication — more productive, meaningful, filled with pleasant emotions. Through quality attention, parents give the child a feeling of love, care, support. And when it is not enough or not at all, the distance between family members gradually increases, risking becoming an abyss. 

Does the child feel my love?Psychologists say that there is a direct relationship between how fully children feel parental love and the quality of attention received.

 Quality attention =

The child's awareness of parental love Judge for yourself:

what will a child feel if his parents constantly brush him off? Mom is busy with homework, dad is always fixing something, grandma is tired, grandpa is reading the newspaper ... who should I ask the questions? Who will take you for a walk on the street? With whom to watch the cartoon? In the presence of a bunch of adults, the child remains alone, and, in the end, accepts this fact at his own expense: "I am not worthy of the attention of my family." 

Also read: Jealousy between children. How can parents solve this problem Imagine a situation where you are ignored at work.

The chief does not answer questions. The secretary does not pay attention to requests to send letters. Colleagues dismiss attempts to strike up a conversation during lunch. Will you consider yourself needed in this job? Will you be able to maintain confidence that you are an irreplaceable employee, you are valued? Unlikely.

This allegory gives a clear understanding: the lack of parental attention is detrimental. After all , he:feels unnecessary;

• gets used to the feeling of abandonment, to loneliness;
• over time, he loses the need for close communication with relatives;
• he becomes callous, indifferent.

Parents may not even realize that they are doing something wrong. After all, the reasons for their behavior are banal: heavy workload at work, fatigue, a lot of household chores. How can I find a couple of hours to play and walk with my child during the week? And on weekends there is not always an opportunity to chat. Is it any wonder that when a child is asked if he feels the love of his parents, we get a duty "aha" or a puzzled "what is it about?".Do you want to learn how to raise a child so that he gets the most from you, grows up healthy and happy?  Then register - for Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". Real and imaginary contact with a child

Let's look at a few typical situations:

Dad goes for a walk with his daughter.

1. He leads her by the handle on the playground, helps her climb the slide, swings on the swing. He is nearby, watching her, but at the same time solves his work issues on the phone. 
2. Mom watches movies with the kids. But at the same time, he corresponds with a friend in social networks, so he almost does not follow the plot.
3. The family celebrates the child's birthday. When everyone sat down at the table, the hero of the occasion went to his room to unwrap boxes with gifts. 

In all three cases, we observe an imaginary contact. Attention has been paid, but it cannot be called qualitative in any way. If you ask these children what they did, it is unlikely that adults will be mentioned in this story. The girl on the walk is still left to herself, although her dad is nearby. Mom will not be able to share the impressions of the film with the children, because she did not actually watch it. And a birthday that has to be celebrated alone, because adults are busy with a feast, is generally a sad story.

Parental excusesIn the three cases described above, we can get quite reasonable excuses from the parents: 

"I spent part of my day off to take a walk with my daughter.

• Although I could have rested."
• "I watched an uninteresting movie to please the children."
• "We tried to celebrate the child's birthday well." 

That is, we are talking about unconscious actions when parents simply do not understand that such communication with children is counterproductive. In other cases, they may realize that they do not pay enough attention to children, justifying this by the need to earn money, deal with personal matters, solve everyday issues, take a break from everyday work. 

In the adult world, these excuses are understandable and acceptable. But it is very difficult for a child to understand why they do not listen to him, do not play, are not interested in his affairs, why he lacks maternal love. 

Find out how to choose the right method of education for your child - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

9 secrets of quality attention

Even if you have a minimum of time that you can devote to your child during the day, it is worth trying to make your communication more qualitative.

For this:Don't run away from your own child.

1. This is often the sin of young fathers. As soon as a child appears in the family, dad prefers to stay up late at work under the plausible pretext of the increased material needs of the family. In fact, they choose the silence of the office instead of the bustle of home, which cannot be avoided in the presence of children. 
2. Don't be afraid of the child. Another reason for parents to ignore their children may be fear. Dad is afraid to stay alone with the baby: "What if something goes wrong? I don't know what to do!". A mother may face the unknown in a more difficult situation when a child has problems in behavior, adaptation, development, etc. In order not to solve them, it's easier to pretend that nothing is happening and pull away. 
3. Engage in productive activities. If you are not in the mood or have time for games, ask for help. Children are happy to perform feasible tasks, demonstrating their diligence and adulthood. Together you can clean the apartment, make dumplings, and even fix a motorcycle. No matter what and no matter where, the main thing is together. 
4. Do not set rigid limits. It is foolish to think that for high-quality communication with a child you need to spend several hours a day with him. The duration of contact and its quality are completely different concepts. You can be in the child's field of vision for 3-4 hours, but still not communicate with him. 
5. Do not force the child to do what he does not want. We all know about the benefits of modeling, drawing, finger theater and other educational activities. But do not forget that everyone's preferences are different. Therefore, if during communication you force the child to sit next to you and draw, then you will not be able to call him productive. Forget the recommendations you read somewhere and ask your child a simple question: "What do you want to do?".
6. Do not ignore the child's questions and the speech addressed to you. If he gets used to the fact that his words are just white noise for you, he will eventually stop sharing his experiences and problems with you. 
7. Concentrate all your attention on communication or joint activity with the child. Turn off your phone, ask your family not to distract you, pause the movie. At these moments, there is only you and the child and the business that you are doing. Or you can do nothing at all — just talk, laugh, fool around. And this will also be considered high-quality communication.
8. Practice physical contact. Hug the child, kiss. Children, regardless of age, gender and character traits, need parental affection like air. Create pleasant rituals: kiss at a meeting or during a farewell, hug before going to bed, etc. Tactile contact stimulates the development of the child, makes him more receptive, open, sets up a trusting relationship with parents. 
9. Create a schedule of quality attention. Even if you cannot scrupulously adhere to it, you will still have certain guidelines, which means that you will be able to estimate the amount of attention paid per unit of time (day, week, month). This will help to understand whether the child is experiencing a deficit of your attention. 

*****

A lack of parental attention can have a detrimental effect on the whole life of a child. Parental love is not new gadgets or trips to resorts, not thoughtless adherence to fashionable parenting techniques or lack of control. This is a burst of laughter from a joke told by a child. This is the careful keeping of the secret entrusted to you. These are abrasions on the knees after roller skating with the whole family. This is the feeling of a carefree childhood that accompanies a lifetime. 

Pay quality attention to your child, and he will never doubt the sincerity and strength of your love.  May 7, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-05-07 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?