Why and how to teach a child to lose

In one of his books , R. Kiyosaki wrote: "People lose because they are too afraid to lose." The fear of failure becomes an insurmountable wall separating a person from success in life. Therefore, if you want your child to be successful in the future, teach him to lose. How do you and your child react to losing

"Fun starts" are held in the kindergarten.

Your baby came running last, was genuinely upset and burst into desperate crying. You are confused, the baby is sobbing, the educators hurriedly take him aside ... an unpleasant situation, which is certainly reluctant to take on video and show to relatives. 

How do you feelWatch not only the child at the moment of his reaction to the loss, but also for yourself.

How do you feel:

— do you feel sorry for the baby;

— the shame of his public tantrum rolls over;

— are you outraged by the organization of the competition;

— you are indignant because the child could have shown himself better.

All these reactions are counterproductive in nature and wrong in relation to the baby. He's fine, he's not hurt, why do you feel sorry for him? Shame in front of those present shows that you are too dependent on someone else's opinion. Claims to caregivers mean that you shift the responsibility for losing to other people. And to be indignant towards a child who tried, but could not win is generally unfair. 

The correct reaction, if the child burst into tears, is to take him aside, comfort him, support him. To say that he did well, it's just that today the other guys were faster and more agile. But next time he will definitely succeed. 

What does the child feelHe is angry and annoyed, does not understand why his efforts were not enough to win.

He is still small, so he does not know how to control his emotions, as adults do. Also read: How to become your own child's friend

Such reactions are explained by the immaturity of the child's psyche in the period from 3 to 5, and sometimes up to 6 years. During this period, children master their emotional world. The brain still cannot tell them the right behaviors in a given situation, so the little man expresses his resentment as best he can. 

All his reactions are sincere, come from the heart, so you can't blame and scold for it.Learn how to understand all the needs of a child and prepare for life's difficulties at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". Reactions to the loss of older children

Younger schoolchildren and teenagers are more restrained than toddlers, although sometimes it is difficult for them to cope with themselves.

Is it any wonder if adults — with their upbringing and mature psyche — sometimes give out excessive reactions to losing:in the hearts of the discarded phone after a difficult conversation;

• slamming the door after an unsuccessful visit;
• obscene language;
• the desire to pour the experienced failure with alcohol;
• complaints about life and the injustice of the universe, etc.
• We allow ourselves to vent anger and frustration, but at the same time we control their form of manifestation, depth.

Physiology helps us in this. If the mechanism of inhibition of mental reactions in adults was not fully formed, we would jump from roofs because of a foot crushed in a tram or a failed contract.

Children 6-14 years old experience the same emotions as adults when losing. But physiologically they are somewhere in the middle between a sobbing three-year-old and an adult slamming the door.

They understand that it is useless to cry and somehow ashamed, but they still do not know how to express annoyance correctly. The task of parents is to teach them this.

The key to winning is the ability to loseThe ability to lose is directly related to the ability to win.

After all, if a person knows how to accept defeat, it means that he has qualities such as perseverance, the ability to achieve goals. 

Each of us faces setbacks, but not every failure is perceived as a fatal defeat and the end of the world. This should be explained to the child. Defeat is an invaluable experience that should inspire further action. In order to form a child's right attitude to losing, it is necessary to reduce its importance, to make it so that it is not more significant than the prospect of victory.

Why is it important:defeat indicates our mistakes;

• the ability to hold a punch helps to improve strong-willed qualities;
• the more small losses on the way to winning, the more desirable it is.
• In adulthood, a person who does not know how to lose becomes uninitiative, weak, helpless.

He is not able to resist troubles, to fight for a place in the sun. Such an employee will never achieve career heights and will not be able to demonstrate his competitive advantages, even if they are significant.Learn how to raise an independent and self-confident child, as well as prepare him for adulthood at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift. 

How to teach a child to treat losing correctly

Useful attitudes that parents instill in their children help them throughout their lives.

And the right attitude to losing is one of the essential skills for a successful future. How can you help your child learn it:

1. Do not compare the child's reaction with the reactions of other children. Do not set them as an example, do not be ashamed of the fact that your baby reacted in his own way to unfortunate circumstances.

The attitude to losing largely depends on the temperament that is given to a person at birth. He does not choose whether to be born phlegmatic or melancholic. And the reactions of people with these types of character are markedly different. 

A phlegmatic person will calmly accept failure, and a melancholic person will cry bitterly. The sanguine will wave his hand, and the choleric will go berserk.

2. Consider the age. If the five-year—old is crying because of a loss, this is normal and expected.

At the age of 9, such a reaction should tell you that something is wrong here - the child is emotionally unstable, it is necessary to understand the reason (overwork, stress). 

A teenager can cry from an extremely traumatic situation. And if, in your opinion, she is not, you need to understand why what happened caused such an emotional response. Maybe there's something you don't know.

3. Do not shift responsibility to external factors. Parents can sometimes blame teachers for a child's poor grades.

This is not surprising, because they see how much time and effort it takes to study, but there is no result. But the root of the problem is not always in an unbiased assessment. Maybe the child needs your help or the services of a tutor to better understand the program and learn it more efficiently.

4. Do not protect from troubles, but teach them to cope with them. The child is running around the apartment and is about to hit the sharp edge of the pedestal.

You, as a parent with experience, can foresee this and pick him up in time so that he does not fall. But it is much more useful to make sure that the baby himself understands that running around furniture is dangerous. 

You will not always be there for him, you will not be able to pick up, support and ward off the threat. It is necessary that the child learns to anticipate potential dangers and learns to circumvent them.

5. Love the loser. The most unfair position is when parents change their attitude towards a child who has failed.

They don't seem to scold, but at the same time they pull away, show their disappointment. How much pain they bring with such an attitude! After all, it's so insulting to lose and, in addition, to receive condemnation from loved ones.

And it should be the opposite. If your child has not become the best, then he is entitled to a double portion of your love and attention. For example, a defeat in a competition should not cause debriefing at home and, even worse, punishment for insufficient diligence. This is an excuse to eat a huge portion of ice cream and watch a funny movie. In an embrace with mom and dad. 

6. Do not force to restrain emotions. To teach self—control, to show by example - yes.

But not to force. If the child is so annoyed that he wants to cry — do not forbid him to do this, do not be ashamed of showing feelings. 

You should not care about your own comfort, but how comfortable the baby is with you in moments of weakness. Be close to a handkerchief and a delicious candy. 

7. Let's have the opportunity to experience disappointment and draw conclusions.Discuss what happened with your child and ask him a few questions: 

• why did this happen;
• what could be done not to lose;
• what do you want to do now, etc.

If the kid, due to age, will not be able to answer these questions, tell him acceptable answers. And work out a plan of action together so that you will definitely win next time. 

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It is absolutely not a shame to fight and lose. It is much worse to lose and give up or not fight at all, for fear of failure. If a child knows how to hold a punch and does not lose heart in case of loss, he is already a winner! May 25, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-05-25 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?