Passive aggression against a child

Passive-aggressive people are often called toxic. They literally poison the surrounding space, it's uncomfortable not just to live with them, but even to be around for a long time. It is unlikely that anyone would want a child to perceive him that way - toxic, quarrelsome, intrusive. 

How do we turn from loving parents into toxic in the eyes of our children? What are the causes of passive aggression against a child and how to deal with it? Let's figure it out.

Reasons for passive-aggressive behavior of parentsTo begin with, it is worth separating two directions of passive aggression of parents — in relation to the child and in relation to each other (between mom and dad).

At first glance, it may seem that the child has nothing to do with it. However, children are extremely dependent on the psychological atmosphere in the family, so "when there is no agreement in friends ..." they simply cannot remain indifferent.

Aggression towards a childThe reason for passive-aggressive behavior towards a child may be:

physical and moral fatigue of parents;

• difficult living and material conditions;
• disadvantages of upbringing in their childhood;
• guilt in front of the child;
• lack of confidence in yourself, in your ability to be a good parent;
• infantilism;
• the consequences of the experienced stress associated with the child;
• depression and other mental disorders.

Aggression between parentsAggressive behavior is directed at each other, but the center of the conflict is the child.

He also suffers from this more than others:fundamental differences in approaches to child rearing;

• interpersonal problems;
• dominant behavior of one of the parents;
• lack of skills of proper self-expression and effective communication;
• manipulations with a specific purpose;
• disrespect for each other's personal boundaries.

Learn how to harm the child's psyche with your behavior and bring him up happy at Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". 

Passive aggression or self-control?Do not confuse passive aggression with the ability to maintain self-control.

If you are annoyed inside, but outwardly completely calm, the emotions of anger will still find a way out. 

Even worse is the situation when the mother calmly punishes the child. At this time, he receives conflicting signals:✓ Mom is calm, everything is fine.

✓ Mom punishes me, so I did wrong.

How can a kid figure out if his mom is angry at him or not?

What did he do wrong if she doesn't show it? What was he punished for? 

The child does not realize that the mother thus expresses passive aggression. She might have wanted to yell. But he restrains himself, formally preserving his face. After all, you can't yell at children.Also read: How to manage your emotions, and why it's so important

Suppression of emotionsDue to their complexes and imposed beliefs, parents sometimes shame the child for allegedly inadequate reactions.

 

For example, at the sight of a large dog, the baby screamed. Dad at this moment expresses passive aggression (he is ashamed of his son's cry), teasing him: "That's stupid, why are you yelling?".

In this way, he makes it clear to the child that his natural reaction to the dog is wrong. He suppresses the manifestation of fright, which is fundamentally wrong. 

In the future, the child may be ashamed of his emotions. And this is a direct way to the emergence of passive aggression in him. 

The danger of passive aggressionA child of passive-aggressive parents is not to be envied.

He grows up in an atmosphere of imposed guilt. He feels that something is wrong, but he cannot figure out what is happening.

He probably has low self-esteem, and hence the difficulties in studying, problems with self-control, imperfect communication and inability to correctly express his feelings. It is difficult for him to trust people, to maintain friendly relations.Imposed guilt and inability to find out the true motives of parents dictate a special model of behavior.

The child is trying to guess what to do to please mom and dad.

He grows up deeply unhappy, infantile. If the situation does not change, he will take all the acquired baggage of negative attitudes with him into adulthood. 

There are also more serious consequences of the emotion suppression skill imposed by parents, such as depression, personality disorders, suicidal tendencies.

Signs of passive-aggressive behaviorTo understand if there are any signs of passive aggression in your attitude towards your child, observe other parents.

And then correlate what you saw with your behavior. How does suppressed anger manifest itself:

Overprotection. "Kolya, put on your hat!".

Parents are not sure that they can teach a child to be independent and responsible. They mask their insecurity with care. As a result, the suppressed annoyance results in an exaggerated desire to take care of. 

Manipulation. "I will have a heart attack if you come home again later than 23:00!" is a typical parental manipulation.

It is based on a suppressed desire to force the child to do what they need.

Learn how to unknowingly not harm a child, raise him healthy and self-confident. Register for Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online intensive. Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.Reproaches.

 

 "You can't give money in your hands, you'll spend it all!".

The task of parents is to teach the child to manage money rationally. Failed? The child again spent all his pocket money on sweets. And mom and dad reproach him for what he, in fact, is not to blame. 

Intimidation."You don't have to eat lunch at all, you'll get an ulcer — I won't treat you."

It is much easier to intimidate a child than to explain the importance of proper nutrition. In response to the refusal of food, I want to shout at the fastidious, but it seems like it is impossible. But to intimidate with a restrained tone is please. 

Depreciation."You're too young to have an opinion yet."

The child is thus pointed to his place. Passive aggression here is expressed in the hidden desire of parents to dominate. 

Excessive strictness. "If you spill the milk, I'll whip you!".

Excessive strictness towards children is explained by the fact that parents were also brought up in strictness at one time. But there is also an element of passive aggression — accumulated tension from potential danger, damage or an awkward situation that a child can provoke.

How to cope with passive aggression: 5 stepsWe are worthy rivals and dangerous opponents for ourselves.

Sometimes it is much easier to apologize and admit your mistakes to another person than to do the same to yourself. But if you want to leave the aggressive attitude towards the child in the past, first go through 5 steps.

The first step is awareness of the problemAdmit to yourself: yes, I am showing passive aggression towards my child.

I am aware of the far-reaching consequences of my actions and I understand that this can cause injury. 

The second step is accepting your imperfectionAllow yourself to be angry, because children can really get mad.

You are not an insensitive robot, but a human. Feeling annoyed and annoyed is quite normal. 

It is important not just to learn to control your anger, but to give it the right way out.:escape (to "take" yourself out of the situation physically — to leave);

• delayed start (promise yourself to get angry in a couple of hours);
• a small dirty trick is to break a plate, kick a pillow, break a pencil (in private). 

The third step is the study of emotionsA few years ago, an experiment dedicated to the study of aggression was conducted at the University of Kentucky.

Professor Ricky Ponda interviewed people in a state of anger at provoking situations. The scientist came to the conclusion that those who have the skill of determining the category of their feelings are in harmony with their emotional sphere. They know themselves and their reactions better, can predict the consequences and control behavior. 

If you want to get rid of passive aggression, learn to identify your emotions. To do this, at the moment of anger:concentrate on your feelings;

• name them;
• realize their inevitability;
• set the duration of their impact on you.

A little introspection, and your internal aggression will dissipate by itself (without transformation into passive). 

The fourth step is the development of the conflictYes, that's right!

Don't be afraid of conflicts — the idea of keeping a thin world is frankly bad. Especially with regard to children. 

If the child does something wrong, do not be silent, do not be afraid to injure the baby. Speak directly, clearly indicate what exactly he did wrong. 

Perhaps, due to emotions, you will raise your voice. Perhaps exaggerate the problem a bit. But it's much better than just shut up and pretend that everything is fine. In this case, the situation will not bring any educational effect and will be repeated in the future. 

The fifth step is socially adequate behaviorAny significant event in our life brings invaluable experience.

Based on this statement, we recommend one of the most effective ways to combat passive aggression — socially adequate behavior. 

Do you remember how Agatha Christie coped with passive aggression? She disliked washing dishes so much (but was sometimes forced to do it) that during this lesson she went into creativity and came up with the most sophisticated murders for her detective stories. 

If your child has committed any offense, you are nervous and indignant, sublimate these emotions into housework, creativity, sports. 

*****

Controlling negative emotions has nothing to do with suppression. If you start going through the 5 steps described above at the moment of an attack of anger, you will soon bring this skill to automatism. You will be able to manage aggression and release it in correct ways, you will become more calm. And your child will definitely notice these changes. Learn more about how to properly raise a child so that he grows up emotionally healthy. Register for Dmitry Karpachev's free master class on the age psychology of children - follow the link.  July 30th, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-07-30 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?

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