What you can't tell a child

All parents want their children to grow up happy and successful people. But not all parents do it. Why? There are many reasons. And one of them is incorrect life attitudes, as well as traumatic events that children experience. What are the long-term consequences of parenting mistakes and how to avoid them?

Freud's theoryThe world-famous Austrian psychologist has been researching the problem of neuroses and mental disorders throughout his life.

He came to the conclusion that most of the problems that a person experiences in adulthood come from childhood. Everything that happens to us now has a root cause, the roots of which go back to deep childhood — the period up to 5-6 years. 

Freud argued that all subsequent events that occur with a child at an older age also leave their mark. The so-called "construction works of the psyche" are carried out all their lives, but the foundation of this building is laid in early childhood. 

In the process of education, the child is constantly forced to suppress his desires. His parents forbid him to indulge, force him to study, eat unloved food. They do not allow you to be capricious and do what you want. Over time, the number of restrictions only increases. The requirements are becoming tougher, and their failure to comply threatens with punishments, various deprivations. 

The child develops a steady skill of suppressing desires to please his parents.

In adulthood, having reached a certain psychological maturity, a person will strive to satisfy his childhood desires. According to Freud, every adult is just a big child.

Long-term consequences of negative attitudesParents should understand that the consequences of their mistakes in education can arise both immediately and in the long term.

The second option is the most dangerous, because we may not even guess about the destructive impact of our words and actions on the child. And only years later we will find out how certain traumas affected his psyche. For example, inflated expectations can turn into passivity due to fear of experiencing failure, and imposing your fears on a child - increased anxiety, hostility. 

It is impossible to predict exactly how this or that act of the parents will affect the child. Out of ten wrong decisions, there may be one that led to moral trauma or the development of complexes.

Of the hundreds of unwanted words expressed in the hearts, there may be one — the most offensive and memorable. The one that the child did not expect to hear from mom or dad. Therefore, in order to reduce the likelihood of negative consequences of parenting mistakes, you need to carefully control yourself and carefully approach each decision regarding the child. Consistency, fairness, and self—control are the three essential qualities of good parents. 

Learn how to avoid mistakes in feeding a child at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". 

What not to tell children Let's figure out which words/phrases/attitudes should become taboo in your vocabulary:

1. Requests expressed in a brusque, commanding tone."Make the bed immediately!".

"Shut your mouth!"

"Come here, I said!"

Such a level of communication can hardly be called productive and healthy. A child accustomed to an offensive tone is unlikely to be able to adequately react to such manifestations from others. This will be the norm for him.

Also read: Am I a bad or a good mother?

2. Intimidation, even if for good purposes. "Well, that's it, Dad will come home — and you will not be well."

"If you climb to the oven, the house will burn down."

"If you don't listen to Mom, she'll turn into a bird and fly out the window."

Seemingly harmless children's horror stories. But at their core is intimidation, and not with truthful facts, but with fictional threats. You will not have to invent incredible stories if you learn to argue your words, requests and decisions. In most cases, a clear explanation will be enough.

3. Condemning or ridiculing any manifestation of emotion."Well, I cried like a girl."

"Pull yourself together, rag!".

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

If you constantly reproach a child for showing emotions, it can end up with a callous and closed person growing out of him. He will not be able to express his feelings, both negative and positive. To prevent this from happening, it is worth instilling in a child from an early age the basics of emotional intelligence — the ability to express their emotions and read the emotions of others.

4. Talking about how much the child complicates your life."How you tortured me!".

"Well, you're always annoying with your requests."

"Don't bother me, go to your room."

Parental fatigue can be understood: sometimes you just don't have the strength for a routine, you want to run away or at least get enough sleep. But by letting the child know how much you are burdened with caring for him, you are protesting against his very existence. He begins to think that his parents would be better off without him. Hence — self-doubt and the fact that he is loved, indecision, a deep personal crisis. 

Even if you are very tired, irritated or preoccupied with your problems, find the strength to calm down and not take out the negative on the child.

5. Reproaches and appeals to a sense of duty to parents."I'm doing everything for you."

"We bought you such an expensive phone, and you don't appreciate it."

"Grandma tried, baked a pie, eat."

Such techniques are resorted to when other ways to get the child to do what is needed do not work. And this is a little mean, because a little person does not yet know how to defend himself from manipulation, easily succumbs to the imposition of false guilt. In order not to cultivate complexes in him, stop doing anything with the expectation of giving back: "I bought this dress, and you have to wear it." No. If the daughter does not want to wear it, then it is not necessary. Next time, choose clothes together.

6. Assurances of the helplessness and insolvency of the child."You're still young."

"Give it back, Mom will carry the bag herself."

"At your age, you need to sit and keep quiet."

When raising infantile children, parents should be prepared for the fact that there will be no one to take care of them in their old age. After all, infantilism can stay with a person all his life: at 20, at 40, and at 60. The eternal child does not know how to be responsible, independent, make decisions and deal with problems. He will subconsciously expect that dad and mom will decide everything for him.

Do not cut down on the root of the child's initiatives. Give him the opportunity to show his maturity, to help you, to express an opinion. Treat him as a full and equal member of the family.

7. Inoculation of complexes."Sit tight, keep quiet, keep your head down."

"Why do you need these dances, pampering is one thing."

"It's better to refuse to be a prefect, why do you need these worries."

If a child gets the installation that he is weak, unworthy, unbalanced — soon he will believe it and stop trying to declare his abilities to the world. He will prefer to hide in his "shell" and watch successful, bright people from the outside. Can such a person count on success in life? 

If you wish your child happiness, stop limiting the manifestation of his individuality.

8. Comparison with other children."What a smart girl Nastya is, not like you."

"You're the worst reader in class."

"My brother goes to Aikido, and you go."

This is one of the most unsuccessful educational techniques. Comparing a child with others, it is very easy to cross the line of a useful example and slide into reproaches, imposing an inferiority complex. Understand: each person develops in his own rhythm, and if he fails to do one thing, it does not mean at all that he will not cope with another. 

We advise you to find areas in which your child's talents will be fully manifested. And then others will look up to him, set an example, praise and admire.

Learn how to unknowingly not harm a child, raise him healthy and self-confident. Register for Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online intensive. Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift. 9. Build-up of tension.

"If you don't pass the exams, you'll go to work as a janitor."

"Get dressed quickly, or they'll kick you out of school."

"Eat porridge, otherwise you will faint from hunger."

These are trigger phrases that drive the child into a corner, put him into a state of stress, frighten him. At the same time, they are not outright lies, although they are decently exaggerated to cause an emotional response.

Do not play on the nerves of your own children. It is better to explain to them the consequences of actions (lateness, refusal of breakfast, etc.), but without thickening the colors.

*****

If you find in the list of undesirable phrases and attitudes those that you use in relation to your child, it's time to abandon them. This is exactly the case when it's better late than never. 

The child is very sensitive to the words of his parents, and many seemingly familiar phrases can seriously harm his psyche. Learn more about how to properly raise a child so that he grows up emotionally healthy. Register for Dmitry Karpachev's free master class on the age psychology of children - follow the link.  May 6, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-05-06 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?