The child does not let go of his mother: what to do? 6 steps

Australian writer Kathy Lett in one of her books noticed: "The strongest bond in a woman's life is with her child." You don't need to be a psychologist to understand one of the basic needs of a little man who just came into this world — to be near his mother. For him, she is the whole universe. Mom means warmth, food, affection, safety, entertainment, sound sleep. 

Time passes, and circumstances force us to check the connection between mom and baby for strength: at the end of the decree (and possibly earlier), you need to go to work, which means that separation cannot be avoided. What should I do if the child does not let his mother go?

How to survive this difficult period and make regular breakups with the child less traumatic? What should I do if the baby does not want to let his mother go a step, constantly cries for her and is sad? 

Why does the child not let his mother go a stepThe way a child reacts to separation from his mother is purely individual.

Some children protest gently and once, quickly getting used to new conditions. Others can arrange "concerts" for years. It is impossible to predict in advance how much time your child will need to adapt.

Also read: Who are you in your relationship with children - a servant or a queen? There are three factors that affect the severity of the baby's experiences during parting with his mother:

Age and immaturity of the psyche.

1. The ability to control your emotions is formed by the age of 6-7. Until that time, the child simply cannot hide his annoyance, anger, resentment. Therefore, most of his reactions look exaggerated, deliberately dramatic. Although in fact, adults inside experience no less intense storms of emotions, they just know how to hide them. 
2. Lack of experience of breakups. If, before the end of the decree, the mother never parted with the child, then her going to work can become a real trauma. The kid is used to the fact that mom is somewhere nearby, you can call her at any time. By the way, the need to periodically contact your mother is a basic need for children under 3 years old. Even if the child is busy with something, he sometimes needs to run up to his mother, tell her something, hug her. This is a kind of communication check. 
3. Organization of the separation process. If you properly prepare the child for the inevitable separation, you can significantly reduce the degree of his emotional reaction. Otherwise, every morning desperate screams cannot be avoided.

 Learn how to teach a child to better control their emotions - at Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". When children learn to let their moms go

If we talk about the peculiarities of the age perception of the separation of a child from his mother, then two groups can be distinguished: 

✓ The first one is children under 3 years old.

The second is children from 3 to 5 years old.

With the first group, everything is not easy: a child of 1 year does not let his mother go a step, because he still does not understand much, he does not know the concepts of "soon", "in the evening", "in 3 hours". It's hard to explain to such a crumb why mom leaves every morning. Its absence is perceived as a permanent, not a temporary event. And at least how many times repeat that in a few hours mom will return, at such a tender age the child is simply unable to realize it. That is why psychologists do not recommend separating mom and baby (for a long time and on a regular basis) for up to 3 years. 

The second group is children with whom it is already possible to negotiate. They understand why mom needs to go to work, which means they don't give out such violent reactions to separation. However, they cannot not react at all, showing their emotions in the form of quiet protest, depression, sadness. The child really misses his mother, although he understands that after a while she will return. His days turn into an agonizing wait, the hours drag on slowly, the separation becomes unbearable. Thoughts of betrayal come: "Why was I abandoned?". 

By the age of 6-7 — the age of a first—grader - children are already getting used to periodically parting with their mother. But still, in the first days of school, when an increased load falls on newly-minted students, and there are no friends among classmates yet, it is worth helping the child.

Many employers even give parents of first-graders a week's vacation, timed to the need for children to adapt to school life.How to learn to part with a child: 6 steps

We offer you instructions that will help you prepare for separation from your child.

It contains tips for children of different ages. So, what to do if the child does not let go of his mother.

Step 1. Prepare the baby for the "disappearance" of the mother. You can start from the first years of his life: the game "peek-a-boo", when the mother covers her eyes with her palms; hide-and-seek, when the baby feels fear for a second that he is alone, and then with a joyful cry finds his mother hiding behind the door; periodic exits from the room when the child calmly plays or watches a cartoon. 

With age, we complicate training: we leave the baby with other adults for 5-10-20 minutes. We leave for a few hours, we leave for a day, etc. The child must get used to the idea that all your separations are temporary. It's worth waiting quite a bit, and Mom will come back. 

Step 2. Create a child's social circle. If relatives will be sitting with the baby during your going to work, try to make sure that before that they come to visit as often as possible and communicate with the child. Getting used to the babysitter is also worth gradually: first 10 minutes alone, then half an hour, then half a day. And only after 7-10 days, you can leave the child with a calm heart for a babysitter until the evening. 

Step 3. Do not hide the truth from the child. Don't lie about why and why you're leaving. Do not leave suddenly, that is, so that the baby does not hear. Even if he can't understand the reason for the breakup yet, be patient and explain it repeatedly until such questions disappear by themselves.

Learn how to communicate with your child correctly so that he trusts you and you are an authority for him - at Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

Step 4. Do not scold the child for his emotions.

Mothers can first be touched by children's tears at morning breakups, then they worry, then they cry themselves, and then they lose their temper. Even if you have properly prepared the baby for separation, but he still threw a tantrum, do not get angry, do not punish him for it. Only your understanding and love will help him calm down and accept new conditions. If a child does not let go of his mother a single step, then he has reasons for this. Comfort, hug, kiss the baby. Tell him that you love him/her very much and will return home very soon. 

Step 5. Introduce your child to your work. Children need to be proud of their parents, and the realization that mom does not just go somewhere, but goes to do important work, gives weight to her decision. There comes an understanding that the mother did not just leave her daughter or son, but performs a certain mission. 

Children from the age of 6 can evaluate the social significance of the profession of a mother. Invite them to your place of work, show them the workplace, introduce them to colleagues, arrange a tour. Give me a couple of sheets of paper and allow me to make photocopies, and then destroy the pieces of paper on the shredder. Such entertainment will reduce the conditional distance between home and mom's work, and your morning care will not be perceived so painfully.Step 6. Come up with rituals of meetings and goodbyes.

This technique is suitable for children 4-6 years old. At this age, children love fairy tales, games, surprises. If the child does not let go of his mother, then add an element of play to your morning goodbyes, and some intrigue to the meetings. The child will perform rituals with interest and pleasure, and longing for his mother will fade into the background. For example: in the morning you can watch a short cartoon together, and in the evening tell its plot. Whoever copes with the task best wins. 

Arrange a candy search in the children's room using hot/cold hints. And in the evening, promise to treat the child to a couple more. Put a note with wishes for a good day in the pocket of a child's jacket and let the adult who is next to the child read the contents to him.

Cut the picture into 10 parts. Give one part in the morning, the second in the evening. All parts will be assembled in five working days. Stick them on a piece of paper and hang the picture on the wall. 

*****

If the child does not let his mother go a step, then psychologists recommend not to concentrate significant events in the child's life in one period of time. The acceptable period between them is 3-4 months. That is, if the baby goes to kindergarten, give him at least 3 months to adapt, and then go to work. Or vice versa: work first, and then the garden. This way you will both have enough time to survive the difficulties of separation and adapt to new circumstances. Good luck!