Golden rules of parenting

If humanity had found a single formula for raising children, our society would be completely different. The problem is that parents raise their children on a whim — the way they themselves were raised in childhood — and transfer the mistakes of the past into their present. There are no universal rules that guarantee the desired result in the upbringing of a child. But there are a few golden rules that will bring you closer to your goal — to grow a healthy, full-fledged personality. So, the golden rules of parenting in the family. 

Manifestation of parental loveMany parents are sure that for proper upbringing it is enough just to love your child.

It is so and not so at the same time. Yes, parental love is the basic condition for a happy childhood, but ask yourself the question — does the child feel your love? After all, many people do not know how to demonstrate their feelings — because of character traits, lack of such experience in childhood, fear of showing weakness, etc. Often manifestations of love are reduced to household care: to feed, clothe, train, protect. 

Also read: How to celebrate a child's birthdayThe love of mom and dad for a child is the ground under your feet.

This is what allows him to form a picture of the world order, because the family for the baby is his little world. It is on love that a number of moral and ethical categories are based: gratitude, mutual assistance, decency, honesty, sympathy, support, etc. And in order to fill this foundation, you need to express your love correctly — so that the parcel reaches the addressee.

There is also such a thing as unconditional love. The child should understand that you do not love him for good deeds, diligent study and help around the house. It's just because he's your child. Otherwise, he will form an undesirable relationship: if I get high marks / help my mother, I will be loved, and if I indulge, I am not worthy of love. This is a dangerous situation because of the far-reaching consequences. In the future, such a person will not be able to accept sincere feelings from other people, will wait for a trick and literally "pay" for love — with his time, efforts, money.

And it is also important to let the child understand that you do not condemn him, but his actions. The kid broke your favorite glass — no need to say that he is bad, naughty, a pest. It is better to evaluate his action: "I asked you not to touch the glass and not run around the table, but you didn't listen and that's what happened." 

In adolescence, the importance of parental love will increase, because due to hormonal storms, the feelings of the child will be repeatedly aggravated. Not only love in the direct sense will be important to him, but also the acceptance by his parents of his new, not fully formed personality. If they can't do it, the teenager comes to the sad conclusion: they don't understand me, so they don't like me.

Scale of needsBy analogy with Maslow's pyramid, you can build a scale of a child's needs.

✓ At the first level — basic needs: food, study, rest, security. 

The second is the need for love and belonging to the family. 

✓ On the third — the need for respect and acceptance. 

✓ At the highest level — the need for self-realization.

As a rule, parents place special emphasis on the needs of the lower levels. The child is well—groomed and fed - great, we are good parents. Some correlate love and care with the amount of money spent on the child. In this case, it is impossible not to recall the words of Esther Selsdon:

"If you want to raise good children, spend twice as much money and twice as much time on them."

A child is not a bank deposit. You can raise a decent person without a lot of money. 

Parents should shift their focus a little and pay more attention to the needs of the highest level. How to do it:

Involve your child in joint activities when the whole family is doing one common thing.

1. If, due to his age, he can't help you yet, just let him be nearby. 
2. Consider the opinion of the child — choose toys and clothes together, take into account his interests when planning leisure time, ask his opinion about significant events.
3. Learn to accept the answer "no" from the child, even if it seems to you that his decision is wrong. Of course, if it does not concern security issues. 
4. Let's give the child the opportunity to express himself — in creativity, study, in the social sphere. Do not "chop off the wings" with your ridicule and skepticism. So you will lay the foundation for a brilliant career and success in adulthood.
5. Keep your promises and do not shame the child for demanding their fulfillment. Your word must have weight, and the child's right to count on the promised is inviolable.
6. Do not forbid the child to do what he wants. Maybe playing the drums or parkour will seem silly to you, but that's just your opinion. Allow your child to realize his potential the way he wants it.
7. Welcome the natural separation of the child from the parents. It is not necessary to tie him to himself with the help of soft blackmail and pressure on his conscience. The child is not your property, but a separate person who has his own rights and desires.

Prohibit cannot be allowed — where to put a comma?Prohibitions are at the core of the rules of child rearing, they are certainly important.

But it is extremely difficult to live in a family where there are a lot of prohibitions. It is not surprising that children run away from such parents as soon as they turn 18, or even earlier. Do not overdo the stick with prohibitions and rules that are incomprehensible to the child. Each of your restrictions must be justified, and if it raises questions, patiently explain your position. The phrase "that's what Mom said" should disappear from everyday life.

On the other hand, permissiveness does not agree in any way with the concept of education. Even if you raised a child without any special prohibitions, it's time to change the approach. Try not to miss the moment when he still reacts to your requests, otherwise later it will not be possible to justify the need to listen to parents.

Be flexible in creating rules in relation to the child. For example, if you see that morning exercise discourages him and "kills" the mood for the whole day — cancel it or reschedule it for the evening.The importance of parental authority

You should not try to be a friend to a child — in this format it is difficult to build boundaries and strengthen parental authority.

And you will need it in serious situations that will inevitably happen in the process of growing up a child. Your opinion should mean something to him, but is the opinion of a friend so important? You can listen to him, but do it your own way. 

The opinion of an authoritative parent is always more valuable. He has more life experience, he can help, solve the problem, protect. To whom is it better to turn in a difficult situation — to friends who will listen and run about their business, or to parents who will "spread clouds over their heads"?

But in no case do not confuse the concepts of "authoritative" and "authoritarian". Authority is achieved not by pressure, discipline and prohibitions, but by personal example, wisdom, willingness to listen, understand and accept. Children run to such parents with their problems and listen to advice. That should be your goal. This is an important rule of parenting. 

Personal example is the best way to educateIf you smoke, your child in adolescence will surely reach for a cigarette.

If you do not know how to adequately resolve family conflicts, do not be surprised that your child will have problems with friends. If you do not play sports, you are unlikely to raise a champion. If you don't remember when you picked up a book, you won't be able to make a child read (and enjoy reading) either. 

If you want to achieve something from your children, start with yourself. And they, inspired by an example, will definitely follow you. *****

If parents followed the golden rules of parenting exactly, there would be much more happy families. It won't work to change everything at once, but you can start small and slowly change your pedagogical approach. And then — enjoy the results. Good luck!