How to punish a child correctly

All children sometimes indulge, play tricks and do not obey their parents. This is usually followed by a punishment, so that the next time it will not be annoying. But is it possible to get a lasting educational effect with the help of punishment? Or are there other, no less effective, but more gentle methods? Let's figure out how to punish a child and whether it's worth it.

Why do we punish our childrenIs it possible to punish a child?

Unfortunately, not all parents practice a conscious approach to parenting. Moreover, many themselves are not yet fully mature personalities, do not know how to manage emotions and clearly express their thoughts. However, we all grow up with our children, and if before their birth it was possible to afford some kind of infantilism, now it's time to radically change ourselves first, and then our approaches to education.

Psychologists say that it is impossible to find an answer to the question of how to properly punish a child. After all, this is the easiest, but by no means the safest way to achieve obedience. It is chosen by parents who either do not know how to do otherwise, or do not want to bother with the choice of approaches.

Another reason for the use of punishments is annoyance, anger, disappointment of parents. In fact, this is the inability of adults to cope with momentary emotions that have arisen due to the damage caused (moral or physical). But if we want the child to learn to control his actions, to be attentive, collected, to look at his feet, then why don't we ourselves give him an example of self-control? Why don't we use more constructive remarks instead of the phrases "where are your hands growing from?!", "why are you like a clumsy bear!", "you're always going to break something"? Also read: How to properly praise a child: advice from a psychologistAt the same time, if another person commits an unpleasant action to us, we react differently.

We choose words, mentally slow ourselves down, especially if to some extent we depend on this person (supervisor, relative, etc.). But in relation to children, the conditional "brake" does not work. Many parents are seriously considering how to punish a child intelligibly and effectively. And they even share tips, although it would not hurt for them to know the opinion of psychologists on this score.

Punishing a child: Why it's ineffectiveLet's imagine a situation: my daughter was playing with your makeup and accidentally poured out her favorite perfume.

What will be your first reaction? Probably, to take away an empty bottle and scold the child. The feeling of annoyance and resentment will overwhelm you, and this is completely understandable. You want to explain to your daughter that she did a very bad thing, and that now you will not have perfume, and from now on she is forbidden to approach the cosmetic bag.

You will probably want to punish the child, but somehow — put him in a corner, deprive him of sweets for a couple of days or spank him. At this point, it is important to think: will the daughter learn a lesson from this situation for herself?

Yes, perhaps after that the daughter will not touch your cosmetic bag, but the motive for this decision will not be the understanding that you can't play with cosmetics, but the fear that her mother will punish her once again. That is, fear comes to the fore, and not prudent behavior — what we, in fact, strive for. What is the mistake?

The fact is that punishments demonstrate to the child that he has done something bad. But they do not give an answer to the question why this should not be done.

It is better not to punish children, but to help them make mistakes as rarely as possible. If you explain that mom's perfume is expensive and you shouldn't touch them, next time the girl will find other toys for herself.

Consequences for the psyche and behaviorThe ineffectiveness of punishment is also manifested in the fact that it will not compensate for the damage caused in any way.

The spirits are spilled, the mood is spoiled, the child is intimidated. And as a result, we get not a solution to the problem, but a psychological trauma in a child with far-reaching consequences:

a trusting relationship with a parent who is constantly being punished, scolded and beaten is impossible;

✓ over time, the usual methods of punishment will become irrelevant: the child will grow up, it will no longer work to beat him, because he can fight back, but there is no point in yelling and reproaching — he will turn around and leave;

✓ children adopt behavioral models from their parents in conflict situations. And it is likely that in adulthood they will follow the same path with their offspring — think about how to punish the child. Because they simply do not know any other methods of education.  

An alternative to punishing a childKarl Marx wrote:

"The world has never been able to be corrected or intimidated by punishment." Although the punishment is chosen precisely to intimidate the person / child and prevent repeated offenses in the future. Some parents think that the more they yell at the child, the better he will remember the lesson. 

In fact, there is no direct relationship between the intensity of punishment and the result. It's just that the damage that is inflicted on the child will be much higher. The intimidated kid will subconsciously be afraid of a repetition of such a situation, and if he still cannot restrain himself and makes a mistake again, waiting for punishment will bring incomparably more unpleasant emotions than the punishment itself. 

If you have ever seen a dog being beaten by its owner, then you know that the animal perceives any wave of the hand as a threat: it shrinks, squats on its paws, lowers its muzzle. It is ready to be hit now. About the same way a child feels while waiting for punishment.

If you do not want your baby to experience such emotions, use a different approach: instead of reproaches, swearing and physical impact, just discuss the situation.

Tell us what damage was caused by the child's act, how much he upset you, how much money you will have to spend to repair everything / buy a new one. Ask why he did it? You probably won't get a clear answer. And this is completely normal, because children of preschool and primary school age often make mistakes unconsciously, without the purpose of harming. They're just so focused on something that they literally don't notice what's going on around them. 

Indicate that you understand that the child did not want to do anything wrong. And if the harm was done while trying to help you, mark it and thank you for such a noble impulse. Clarify that this situation could have been avoided if he had been a little more attentive. 

Give simple and clear instructions for the future. Eg:✓ This soup could not be spilled if you put the plate on the tray.

Next time, immediately put a plate on it and only then pour the soup. 

✓ You lost your jacket because you don't check your stuff on the way out of the locker room. Let's make you a list and put it in your backpack. As soon as you're ready, get out the list and see if you've put everything together.

✓ I understand that you wanted to give your sister a beautiful hairstyle, but now she will have to cut off her tangled hair. Let me buy you a real wig, and you'll train on it, and we'll cut your sister's hair at the barber shop, okay?

7 techniques how to do without punishmentsTo leave punishments in the past, use these simple educational techniques.

They will help to convey to the child the essence of his act and your attitude to the situation, while not harming the relationship.:

1. Try to figure out why the child did this. Most likely, he had no malicious intent. It's just that one or more factors influenced the baby. For example, he got bored or he was in a hurry.
2. Explain the consequences of the act. Just not in general words, but more specifically: "you can't do this because ...", "your act led to the fact that ...", "it's dangerous, and that's why: ...".
3. Really assess the situation. Perhaps the child had no other choice but to do what he did. For example, he wanted to wipe his hands, but there was nothing suitable nearby. That's why I chose my own T-shirt. Take care of the availability of napkins in direct access.
4. Adjust the child's actions in the right direction. For example, if he likes to dance and sing, which the neighbors from below often complain about, take him to the appropriate circle to realize his creative potential and give energy output.
5. Become an example. For example, show how to brush your teeth properly without spraying paste all over the sink. 
6. Give the child the right to make a mistake. If he skipped the whole evening and did not do his homework, do not scold. Let him get a well-deserved unit and understand the consequences of his act himself.
7. Be sincere. Tell us what emotions your child's behavior causes you. Ask him what he would do in your place. Let him tell you how to make sure that this does not happen again. Believe me, sometimes children are able to pleasantly surprise their parents with their wise answers beyond their age.

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How to punish children correctly and whether it is worth using such an educational method at all — this decision lies on the parents' shoulders. Remember your childhood and imagine which option you would choose in relation to yourself. And let this choice be conscious and honest. April 29, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-04-29 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?