Is it possible to yell at a child

Children sometimes behave badly — this is a fact. Parents react to this in different ways: some patiently call for order, others break down and shout. There is an opinion among moms that screaming parents are just tired, they need to be understood and forgiven, as they say. Partly yes, but the problem is not banal fatigue, but much deeper.

Let's figure out why parents raise their voices to children and whether there is an alternative to shouting.Why are parents screaming

Imagine: a mom is walking with a child on the street, he is running after a ball and approaching a busy intersection.

Mom shouts: "Watch out, the car!". At this moment, she has no way to attract the child's attention in any other way to protect her from a potential threat. 

Such situations are almost the only reason to raise your voice to a child. In other cases, you can do with a normal tone of communication and some educational techniques. But why do parents ignore them and continue to yell at their children:They cannot clearly explain their request.

• The most common misconception is that the child simply does not understand differently. Parents are absolutely sure that until you shout, their child will not do what is required of him. In fact, it is not the child who does not understand, but adults cannot explain it so that he understands. Or they do not have the patience to explain in detail and give the baby enough time for deliberate actions.
• Duplicate the hysteria. When a child arranges another "performance" in public, yells, cries, demands something, parents gradually adjust to the emotional background set by them and also start shouting. It seems to them that only by shouting over the crumbs, you can make him calm down. But in fact they make it even worse — double hysteria brings double stress.
• They are trying to spur, accelerate the child. Yes, a scream can not only scare a little man, but also make him move faster. Will these actions be effective? Most likely, being stressed, the baby will not even remember what and how he did. And he will make a lot of mistakes, which will provoke a new batch of screams from parents.
• Punished. Yelling at her bully or a klutz who broke a vase, mom thinks she scared him, so it won't happen again. However, she missed something important: at the moment of screaming, children do not assimilate information at all. You can shout extremely correct words and arguments, but they will not reach the addressee, whose only desire is for mom to calm down as soon as possible.
• Sublimate fatigue. Accumulated irritability, stress and fatigue require implementation. Some people lie flat on the weekend, others furiously torment a punching bag, and still others tear off the negative on the children. Why on them? Because there is one unpleasant feature in human nature — to suppress those who are weaker, lower in status. Children a priori depend on their parents, and they unconsciously use it, giving vent to emotions. 

Do you want to understand how to communicate with a child correctly so as not to harm his psyche? Then register - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". The psychological effect of screaming

Scientists conducted an experiment: they filmed people's faces at the moment of screaming.

Then they showed them to the subjects themselves and studied the reactions: most noted that their appearance at the moment of screaming ranges from frightening to disgusting. People expressed bewilderment — is it possible that their cute face is so transformed just by shouting?! Indeed, at this moment a person's facial expressions change greatly. A terrible facial expression is the first thing a child is afraid of. The second is a threatening intonation.

A raised tone is regarded as a readiness for physical impact. In relation to strangers, we never know whether the screaming person will limit himself to verbal aggression or start a fight. So are children — they are afraid of a scream, because they think that something worse may follow it. Especially if this "worse" has already taken place. 

Third, children feel confused. Mom and dad are the closest people who give love and protection. But in moments of screaming, the child feels threatened by relatives. He feels powerless, unable to resist the aggression of an adult. Later, this translates into distrust of loved ones, low self-esteem and chronic stress. 

Research by scientistsNeuroscientists from the University of Pittsburgh (USA) investigated the effect of screaming on the mental state of children.

As it turned out, conversations with a child in raised tones cause aggression or vice versa — tightness, passivity. 

Another study confirmed that screaming provokes behavioral problems and depression in adolescents. And a survey of almost 1 thousand families showed that parents' remorse after another nervous breakdown does not correct the situation in any way: mental injuries remain with their children for a long time and cause new turns of disobedience. 

The relationship of screams with health has also been proven. In families with an unfavorable psychological climate, the overall level of children's health is much lower than that of those who live in a relatively comfortable atmosphere.

Thus, parents should realize that if you yell at your children, you will not get anything but retaliatory aggression, disobedience and health problems. Think about whether it is worth launching this destructive mechanism and is it fair to a little unprotected man? Is this how you see your educational role in his life? Are you ready for the inevitable consequences of such actions?

Shouting is a dubious educational measureWhen parents often shout at the child, this way of communication becomes habitual for him.

He understands that until Mom screams, you can ignore her. Therefore, if you used to yell at a child every day and suddenly stopped, get ready for the fact that at first he will not listen to you at all.

The scream is also a bad example. The child will develop an understanding that with the help of a scream, you can achieve what you want. He will not miss the opportunity to try this, in his opinion, effective tool.

Can shout at parents or siblings, loudly demand something from friends or classmates at school, switch to or in any difficult situation. 

But the most remarkable property of shouting, as an unsuccessful educational measure, is a decrease in parental authority. When adults scream, the child obeys them in fear, that is, does as they are required of him. But not because he sincerely wants to please or please. Not because I'm used to order and discipline. Not because he's afraid of upsetting his family. And just to make the screaming parent shut up as soon as possible. In the eyes of a child, such a mom (or dad) is a hysterical being who is difficult to love and respect.

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How to do without screaming: tips for parents

Even if you are used to raising your voice at children and simply have no idea how else you can force them to do something, it's never too late to stop and reconsider your approaches to parenting.

You can forget about the screams in your house forever if you listen to our advice. 

1. Train endurance. The most common reason for switching to shouting is a lack of patience and self—control.

This can manifest itself not only in the family, but also in society. Watch yourself: what will you do if someone steps on your foot in transport or a colleague spills tea on a document at work? If the reaction has signs of aggression, then this is your usual behavior tactic. 

Train your self-control in everyday situations, even in small things. Control your every word and action in a stressful situation. So you will gradually learn to remain calm and in relation to the child. You will become more restrained in responding to his mistakes, learn how to give an opportunity to correct them, and be able to patiently explain how to act in a particular situation. 

2. Do not adjust to the emotions of the child. He is annoyed, freaking out, protesting — calmly ask what is wrong.

Do not get excited, do not get annoyed with the child. Two hysterical people at the same time, especially if one of them is an adult and the other is a child, the situation is not only stupid, but also unconstructive. Be a bulwark of calm and wisdom in any situation. And then, looking at you, the baby will quickly come to his senses and calm down. 

3. Motivate, not oppress. Shouting can make a child do something, but it is impossible to teach.

This is especially true for studying. When helping with homework, mothers of schoolchildren often break down to shout because children do not understand the tasks or make mistakes. By shouting, you will not improve the situation in any way, but only multiply negative emotions in the child: he already feels annoyed that he cannot cope with the task, but at the same time he is also afraid of a screaming mother. 

It is better to motivate your son or daughter to understand the conditions, practice on a draft or otherwise avoid mistakes. Offer a reward for the correct completion of the task or just calmly help to figure it out. 

4. If you want to explain something… The child will understand you only when you choose the right environment for the conversation, your and his mood, as well as the tone of the conversation.

• Speak when the child is calm. It is best to do this at home, in a familiar environment. 
• Watch your tone: it should be firm, but calm, friendly.
• Explain where and in what the child made a mistake, and what his mistakes lead to or have already led to. 
• Tell us how to do the right thing.
• Ask him to talk about the topic of the conversation and the conclusions — whether he understood everything. 
• If not, patiently explain again. 

*****

The authorship of Leonardo da Vinci is credited with such wise words: "Truly, always where reasonable arguments are lacking, they are replaced by a scream." This observation was certainly made among adults, but it is also relevant in relation to children. Find arguments and strength to calmly convey to the child what you expect from him, and then you will not have to shout at all.  October 8th, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-10-08 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?