What to do if the husband does not help with the child

The fact that the husband does not help with the child is, in most cases, the fault... of the woman herself. Do not rush to be indignant and indignant. Try to look at the situation from a different angle, from the position of a disinterested person. Often it is your thoughtless actions that push men to inaction, to which they get used very quickly. Why the husband does not help with the child and how to prevent this, read the article.Why does the husband not help with the child

Finally, that magical day came when you crossed the threshold of the house with a lace bundle.

Behind the difficulties of pregnancy and the enormous burden of childbirth. You feel incredibly uplifted and happy that there are now three of you. But it is at this moment that the most difficult period begins for young parents — adaptation to new living conditions.

Also read: Pros and cons of strict parentingHaving a baby is a big stress for everyone.

In a family of two independent adults, a third helpless little man appears. It requires a huge amount of attention and responsibility. The usual way of life of the family is collapsing, and the couple has to look for new ways to interact with each other. 

If the spouses are used to sharing responsibilities equally or have agreed on this even before the birth of the child, they will go through this difficult period without serious difficulties.

But it often happens that a woman by default continues to pull on herself the entire burden of household chores. But now they have added round-the-clock care and a huge responsibility for the child. A man sees his main function in the fact that he provides the family financially and at the same time has every right to rest after work. 

The catastrophe is brewing gradually. A woman accumulates fatigue and irritation, and at one point she stops coping with her daily workload. She begins to make a row, cry and demand help by order.

But the man believes that his wife is not so tired and sees no reason to help. In the end, their relationship turns into a stage of protracted conflict, and the spouses continue to live in constant stress.

This is one of the worst scenarios when a man does not want to understand and hear a woman. But there are other reasons why a man does not help his wife with a child. Let's look at them in more detail.

The husband does not want to help with the child: top 6 reasonsIn men, the baby care function is not built in by default and does not start acting on a click at the moment of his birth.

1. At the initial stage, they are less involved in the process of raising a child. Therefore, the spouse may simply not realize that taking care of the baby requires such tremendous efforts. 
2. In the world of men, offering help without asking means humiliating a person by pointing out his weakness. Unlike women, men do not intuitively feel that a partner needs help. If there is no clear request, then there is no need to help. 
3. The man is afraid to harm the baby with his inept actions. He will not say this directly, but under any pretext he will avoid close contact with the child. 
4. The man doesn't do anything because he doesn't want to run into your criticism. He already feels insecure. And exclamations like: "You're doing everything wrong again, nothing can be trusted!" completely unsettles him and deprives him of the desire to do anything.  
5. The initiative of the pope is rudely suppressed by other relatives. For example, immediately after discharge, a mother or mother-in-law comes to help a woman. At the same time, she demonstrates in every possible way to the young father that she manages to take care of the child better.
6. A man avoids communicating with a child because "he doesn't know what to do with him." 

Try to understand which of these causes is most common in your family. And start acting!

The husband does not help with the child: what to doDon't try to do everything yourself 

In the first days after childbirth, a woman has a powerful hormonal rise. Against his background, she does not notice fatigue and is ready to move mountains. A woman simply does not allow a man to take the initiative and help her. Over time, the man gets used to the fact that she copes on her own and does not even try to offer help.

✓ What to do: soberly assess your strength and understand that the surge of hormones is a temporary phenomenon, it will end soon. And taking care of a child is a marathon that requires effort over a long distance.

Ask for help Sometimes it can be difficult to ask, because:

• resentments and misunderstandings towards her husband have accumulated;
• do you think that you are not important to your husband if he does not offer help himself;
• you are afraid that your husband will refuse, make claims in response, or will do everything with a dissatisfied face.

✓ What to do: Your spouse does not have telepathic abilities, and he cannot guess if you need help. Therefore, ask for it gently, but directly and confidently, avoiding hints or claims. Don't be embarrassed and don't give up until you hear a firm "yes" or "no".

Wrong: "If you would help me with a child at least once..."

That's right: "Please stay with the baby while I cook dinner for us." 

Explain and argue your positionA child has such restless days when a young mother can't even eat properly, let alone clean herself up or clean up the apartment.

As a result, when the husband returns from work, and the wife is still in her pajamas, he gets the impression that she slept all day. How did he know she didn't have a minute to spare? 

✓ What to do: talk to your spouse without reproaches, calmly and frankly. Without exaggerating, describe your usual day with your child. Explain that cooking, cleaning and other things that are invisible to him also require a lot of time and effort. A loving husband will see the situation through your eyes and try to help.

NegotiateAt this stage, it is very important to coordinate and consolidate your agreements.

Otherwise, the husband's help may remain one-time.

✓ What to do: Make two lists and discuss them with your husband. The first will be a list of what does not suit you at the moment with suggestions on how it can be changed.

For example: "The problem: I don't have time for myself, I only leave the house with a stroller." 

"Solution: on weekends I spend two hours out of the house, meet with girlfriends and go shopping."

Discuss this list with your husband, listen to his point of view and try to find a compromise.

And the second list is a list of household chores that should be announced and fairly divided between you. It doesn't matter who, when and what they will do. The main condition is that the household is managed by someone who does not have a child in his arms at this moment.

Replace criticism and reproaches with praiseIf you criticize your husband about and without, he will very quickly stop trying to help you with the child.

He will have to defend himself from endless attacks, and gradually your relationship will move into a stage of constant conflict. Criticism can also come from relatives who take part in the upbringing of the child.

✓ What to do: Change the focus to plus. Categorically forbid relatives to make comments to the young father. Focus not on what the spouse does not know how or does not want to do, but on what he does well. For example, it is difficult for him to play with a child at home, but they have a great time together on the street.

Praise and motivate for successIf you downloaded your spouse right away in full, he may not be able to cope with all the tasks perfectly.

But even if you refrain from criticism, the young dad himself understands that not everything turns out as smoothly as he would like. ✓ What to do: show wisdom, do not demand the impossible from your husband.

First, involve the pope to help in those cases that will potentially end in success. If you notice that your husband manages to put the child to bed faster, entrust this matter to him. 

Thank and praise your husband for any help. But a banal "Thank you, well done", said on the run over your shoulder, will not be enough. Praise for a specific action. 

For example: "I'm so glad that you quickly put the baby to bed, and I was able to rest for half an hour." If you see that your husband has successfully mastered some skills, gradually expand the scope of tasks and assign more.

Trust and form attachmentThe more and more closely the husband will communicate with the child, the faster he will get used to the role of the father and cope with his fears.

And if at first he will not be so adept at changing a diaper or feeding a baby, do not focus on this.

✓ What to do: get out of the house more often so that dad and baby are left alone. Make a list of important moments: when you need to feed, change clothes or go for a walk. Make sure they have everything they need — and feel free to leave for a couple of hours. It will benefit everyone: you will be able to relax and reboot, and dad will be involved in the upbringing of the baby faster.

*****

Do not postpone a difficult conversation in the hope that everything will work out by itself. The more you get tired and accumulate irritation with your husband, the more difficult it will be for you to negotiate. Take the time and talk not only about the problems, but also about your feelings for each other. Try to understand and hear your spouse, because he is your closest person.