Am I a bad or a good mother?

Probably, there are no mothers who have never doubted themselves, their approaches to parenting. Anxious moms regularly engage in self-examination, seek approval of their actions from others. More confident women only occasionally ask questions like: "Am I doing the right thing towards my child?". Nevertheless, the presence of doubts in itself is a good sign: you do not care what kind of mother you are and how your child perceives you.

In this article we will deal with objective criteria — who is a bad mother and what she needs to do to become a good one. 

Signs of a bad motherParents are the first teachers in a child's life, because he understands the structure of the world not by himself, but through interaction with adults.

American psychologist Elaine Haffner wrote: "The art of motherhood is teaching the life of children." The way yesterday's child (and in fact — already an adult) arranges his life and copes with difficulties is the best indicator of his upbringing. Therefore, all the tasks and goals of motherhood can be reduced to a single noble mission — preparing a child for life. 

Also read: What to do if the husband does not help with the child

The main sign of a good mother is awareness of the long—term prospects of the results of her upbringing. Everything we do in relation to our children will definitely come back in the future. What we sow, we will reap.

At the same time, a bad mother does not realize the consequences of her actions. She:Neglects the child, ignores his needs, which eventually leads to the appearance of low self-esteem, feelings of uselessness, clogged.

1. For her, a child is just an inconvenience that must be endured. 
2. Allows physical or moral violence. The educational value of corporal punishment is questionable, and the harm is obvious and has been repeatedly proven by psychologists. Moral violence is no less harmful, when insults and screams are frequent phenomena in a child's life. 
3. She sets a bad example herself and at the same time is not able to identify and deal with the shortcomings of her child. Instead, he prefers to pretend that he does not notice the problems. 
4. Has favorites among children. If there is more than one child in the family, then a bad mother will necessarily voluntarily or involuntarily demonstrate her warmer feelings for one of the children. The second gets crumbs of attention and care, which generates a lot of complexes and resentments.
5. Authoritarian and domineering. She imposes her opinion and choice on the child, does not consider his wishes and opinions, plans everything for him and does not tolerate refusals, protests. 
6. Does not know how to manage money. It's about both excessive stinginess and extravagance. Children of stingy parents are deprived of good and high-quality things, toys, gadgets. They cultivate envy, a sense of inferiority (I don't deserve to have good things). The children of spendthrift parents do not know the price of labor and effort that must be put in order to get what they want. This discourages, reduces motivation, causes a false sense of superiority over others. 
7. Does not trust his child. Sometimes so much so that she is ready to believe everyone in the world except himself. A child in such a situation feels deeply disappointed, because for his part, he believes his parents by default. Why don't they believe him?

A good enough motherThe term "good enough mother" was coined by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott.

He has been watching babies and their mothers for years and concluded that parental mistakes bring the greatest educational effect. 

According to Donald, every time we force children to do something they don't want, we are doing them a huge favor. The world is not as unambiguous as it is written in children's books and shown in films.

Good does not always defeat evil, there are no black and white tones, unambiguous truth and supreme justice. In order to survive in a difficult and unfriendly world, it is necessary either to act contrary to the prevailing circumstances, or to adapt, or to seek benefits for yourself from any situation.

And these skills are acquired just in everyday situations when a child does not want to eat vegetables, attend a music room, wear a comfortable but ugly sweater. How he will act — adapt, rebel, find an unexpected solution — is up to him alone. 

Of course, we are not talking about fatal and unacceptable parental mistakes, when mothers or fathers tyrannize over children, bully, oppress or neglect their duties. But the downside — overprotection and suffocating "hugs" of parents who do not allow children to fill their cones — is no better. It is noteworthy that they become a good enough mother naturally.

In the first years of the baby's life, the mother tries to be close, immediately respond to any of his needs. Over time, the level of care decreases: the child becomes more independent, and the mother has time for other things. And in ideal conditions, only the amount of intervention that is necessary for the normal maturation of the child remains. He is looked after, well-groomed, kissed, but at the same time grows without vigilant maternal control. 

What not to doBefore proceeding to advice on how to become a good mother, I want to talk about useless things that take time and effort.

You may need them personally, but children are neither cold nor hot from them.Perfect cleanliness in the house.

They say that good moms have sticky floors, dirty kitchens, piles of laundry and happy children. This is 100% true. 

A lot of unnecessary rituals. Where does the opinion come from that a child cannot be put to bed without "dancing with a tambourine" like a half-hour swim in the bathroom, a massage, an evening glass of warm milk, a fairy tale and a confidential conversation? Forget it. If you teach him to kiss his mother on the cheek and fall asleep on his own in his room — this is a victory!

Unshakable calm. To hell with the mask of equanimity, if hurricanes are raging in the soul. You have the right to show your child emotions, tell them that you are upset, upset or just furious about any situation. And then set an example of adequate behavior in stress and finding the optimal solution. 

Exceptionally healthy food. Mothers are touched by fainting from candy, which was treated to a child. Anyway, he will grow up and try all the available sweets-harmfulness. Wouldn't it be better to explain which food is beneficial and which is harmful, and simply limit food waste in the diet.

How to become a good mother: a minimum planOur tips will help you change your approach to parenting in order to finally stop making mistakes and/or doubting your parental worthiness.

✓ If you are confused and do not know how to do the right thing, listen to the experts.

Read literature for parents, communicate with more experienced moms, visit a child psychologist. Sometimes the banal filling of gaps in knowledge will help to avoid problems in the upbringing of children. 

✓ Find alternative methods of punishment, completely eliminating violence against the child (moral and physical). In fact, the choice of options is huge — from restrictions to educational conversations. Each of them has its own specifics, but at the same time it has a useful educational effect, and not psychological trauma for the child.

✓ Follow discipline, set rules and a daily routine. Stick to them yourself. Explain to the child the importance of such rules, tell them why they are needed and what benefits they bring. This will help you organize your everyday life, keep up with everything and at the same time allocate enough time to communicate with your child. 

✓ Be gentle and affectionate. Tell your child about your love, hug, kiss. Remind him that you will always help him, support him and be the most loyal friend. Let your communication be always positive, and even if minor conflicts arise, learn to end them on a positive note. Find a compromise, show by your example that relatives and loving people can always agree. 

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If you implement these 4 tips, you will soon notice positive changes not only in the child's assessment of you, but also in self-esteem. This means that there will be much less doubt whether you are a good mother.