Children are in conflict: what should parents do

A child comes home from school gloomier than a cloud and reports that he had a fight with classmates. What actions can parents take: run headlong to a showdown, call a teacher or forbid communicating with abusers? Or maybe not to interfere at all, in the hope that the child will figure it out by himself? 

Features of the formation of a circle of communication in childrenChildren are mostly socially active individuals.

They have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends, often even more than their parents. In addition to school and kindergarten, they communicate with friends in the yard, with colleagues in sports sections and clubs.

Also read: Why children blame their parents for their failures

A child's social environment is a mini—model of an adult's communication environment. It is subject to the same laws, but more dynamic. If we can communicate with a bunch of people, but be close friends with only a few and maintain these relationships for years, then everything is much easier for children. Today they are inseparable with some, tomorrow — with others. 

Children's groups learn to interact with each other, find common topics and interests, as well as correctly resolve conflicts.

Remember the rhyme: "Make up, make up, make up and don't fight anymore ..." In a playful way, you can both make friends and make up, and this greatly facilitates the task of establishing and restoring friendly relations. 

Adults would like to learn the ability of children to find a common language with their peers. But life sometimes slips situations when you have to help children solve conflicts, even without having special skills in this matter. Therefore, many parents are lost: what to do when your child doesn't get along with someone?Action or inaction

Let's look at the very first choice that parents make after the child has told them about the conflict.

What should I do: intervene directly or give instructions? Is it worth letting the situation take its course so that the child gets useful experience and learns to solve his own problems?

Pros and cons of each solution:Actively participate in the conflict resolution process.

• Positive: you will control the situation, be able to give advice from the height of your experience, choose a model of behavior and assess the potential danger of the situation. Cons: the child will not get the much-needed experience in conflict resolution. Another drawback is the emotional involvement of an adult in children's quarrels. We react differently to what is happening in the lives of our children. Perhaps we are already spoiled or traumatized enough by negative experiences to objectively assess the situation. Innocent pranks allowed in the children's environment may seem to us to be universal meanness. And we can ignore the mistakes of our own child, because he is so good and will definitely not offend anyone. 
• Teach the child how to behave with the conflicting party. Giving instructions is a more mature tactic. You will teach your child to fend off abusers, tell them what to do to extinguish the conflict in the bud, and how to act if conflict situations recur. Pros: you can predict the result and keep your finger on the pulse. Cons: the same involvement in the conflict, but already indirect. If the situation repeats, the child will not know how to react to it, but will go to his mother for advice. 
• Do not interfere in children's "showdowns". The child is offended, scared, upset. He turns to you, the person closest to him, for help. Instead, you say something like, "You're already an adult, try to cope on your own." Pros: independence and responsibility are formed precisely in such situations. That is, when parents can intervene, but deliberately do not do it to encourage the child to act himself. It's a bit like learning to swim by pushing into the water — whether you want to or not, you'll have to swim out. Cons: there is no certainty that the child will resolve the conflict correctly. There is also a risk that, without noticing the parents' interest in his problem, next time he will look for help anywhere, but not in the family. 

However, in addition to the intervention / non-interference of parents in children's conflicts, there are also a lot of harmful advice that they can give, trying to help the child somehow. 

Typical mistakes in solving children's conflictsFew parents have enough knowledge and experience to give the right instructions for resolving the conflict.

Here are the moments when you can stumble:Avoiding the problem.

1. The easiest way out is to remove the child from an unfavorable environment. I did not find a common language with my classmates — it does not matter, we will transfer to another school. And where is the guarantee that the same problem will not arise there over time? And the choice of escape tactics in any difficult situation is not the best personality trait. In adulthood, such a person will run away from problems, not solve them. 
2. A sweeping accusation of the second party. You can blame someone only after a detailed study of the situation. As in court: the accused, the defense, witnesses and evidence. If parents do not want to notice the mistakes of their own child, soon he will believe that he really never makes mistakes. It is not difficult to predict the consequences of such a position.
3. Abuse of authority. All that a parent can do who has decided to intervene in the conflict of children is to talk calmly with them, ask about the causes of the quarrel, offer to reconcile. He has no right to scold, nor to proofread, nor even to give out slaps. Such situations are regulated by administrative and even criminal law. Therefore, it is better to conduct all conversations with children in the presence of third parties (teachers / educators, other parents). 
4. Aggravation of confrontation. There are temporary quarrels, when after a couple of days the children reconcile and completely forget the insults. And there are protracted ones that last for years. To prevent an accidental quarrel from escalating into a serious confrontation, there is no need to exaggerate in assessing the situation. If the personal boundaries of the child are not violated, he was not beaten, humiliated, insulted, the actions of the conflicting parties were spontaneous, not systemic, then this incident has every chance of a quick resolution. But only if parents on both sides do not warm up children with subjective assessments and harmful advice. 
5. The child's accusation. Sometimes, instead of searching for the real culprit of the conflict, parents begin to reproach their own child, making him obviously guilty. This is usually accompanied by sarcastic remarks and recollection of past sins. This is probably the worst possible behavior of parents, because a child who tells about a quarrel with friends expects anything but reproaches and ridicule.

Universal advice The causes of the conflict, as well as the ways to resolve it, may be different.

But there is one universal advice that is relevant for almost any situation. We advise you to adopt it. 

Do not rush with any reactions until you fully understand the situation. If the child is old enough and independent, it is worth giving him the opportunity to cope on his own. But at the same time, it is correct and unobtrusive to offer your help. To say that they are always ready to listen and help, protect and comfort. 

But it can't be just words. While maintaining formal non-interference, parents should be in control of the situation, be in touch with other parents, a teacher / educator, a psychologist. If the facts of bullying are established, immediately contact law enforcement agencies. And if the quarrel is trivial, do not dramatize the situation. 

The actions of parents during children's conflicts should be more directed at the family than at society.

It is worth paying more attention to your child, to distract from the experiences. Tell about your love and willingness to support. To assure that at any moment, if he does not cope on his own, you are ready to intervene. 

*****

It is impossible not to mention the importance of a useful example. If parents are able to control their emotions and successfully resolve conflicts arising in the family or outside it, then the child will soon master the art of a beautiful way out of such situations. Moreover, he will be able to resist provocations and will not allow a small skirmish to turn into a large-scale quarrel. A very useful skill in adult life.