Jealousy between children. How can parents solve this problem

After the appearance of a newborn in the family, has your cute eldest child become a naughty and capricious owner? "You love him more than me!" is just one of the manifestations of childhood jealousy that parents face. It will not be possible to completely avoid jealousy between children, but you can significantly reduce the degree of tension. Read in the article how to avoid typical mistakes and teach children to love each other.

Causes of childhood jealousyNo matter how joyful the birth of the second child is, the whole family is experiencing a strong load and stress.

But in this situation, the eldest child is the hardest of all. His picture of the world is completely changing:parents' attention is focused on the newborn;

• new rules have appeared in the family and the daily routine has changed;
• the child has a new status of a brother or sister; 
• his needs are no longer being met as quickly and fully as before.

The child is confused and tries to understand the reason for such changes. Usually, children associate changes in the behavior of their parents with themselves. A child may think that he no longer deserves love, since everyone is so busy with another baby.

Read also: Influential babysitters: how to protect your child

Mixed with the confusion is a feeling of disappointment: the child was waiting for a friend, but received a tiny helpless creature. Until the elder is able to communicate normally with the younger, he perceives the newborn as an unnecessary outsider.

The situation is aggravated if mom and dad protect the younger child from the older one in every possible way. At the same time, parents emphasize that the elder is not agile enough and can harm the baby. 

It happens that the younger child, having matured, begins to feel jealous of the older one. For example, some children may not like that they "inherit" the clothes and toys of the older child. 

Mistakes of parents that provoke a child's jealousyWith the appearance of a younger child, the older one automatically passes into the category of "adult".

But objectively, he remains a child: he also wants to play, walk and watch cartoons. In this difficult situation, thoughtless words and actions of parents bring him additional discomfort.

✓ Parents compare children by personal qualities. For example: "Our Polya eats so well, and you don't eat anything at all", "Here Maxim will grow up and study perfectly, not like you!". This approach only exacerbates the feeling of jealousy and hostility between children.

✓ In case of conflict, parents punish only the elder. He is always guilty by default: "Give in, because you're big!", "Let him play, he's small!", "You should be an example, not a bully!". The younger ones often act as provocateurs of quarrels, and the unwillingness of parents to sort out the conflict only aggravates the situation.

✓ Parents punish the older child for bad behavior and bouts of aggression. By this behavior, the kid tries to attract their attention. Punishment gives the child an extra reason to think that he is bad and his parents no longer love him.  

✓ Parents impose the company of the baby on the eldest child. Phrases like "You have to love your sister" cause him to protest. 

✓ Parents shift responsibility to the child and demand help from him. "You have to help us, because you are already an adult!". The appearance of a newborn and taking care of him is the responsibility of parents. The older child can help, but is not obliged to do so. Taking care of a younger brother or sister should bring him pleasure.

✓ Parents significantly reduce the amount of attention to the elder or give the children the same attention. In fact, this is a mistake. The eldest child now requires increased attention from parents.

Signs of childhood jealousyEvery child reacts to a stressful situation in a unique way.

If his behavior began to differ sharply from the usual, this is an alarming signal for parents. Childish jealousy manifests itself openly and covertly. 

Open manifestations of jealousy:too emotional or hysterical behavior;

• disobedience;
• aggression towards a younger child or parents;
• isolation and lack of communication;
• deterioration of grades and bad behavior at school.

Hidden manifestations of jealousy:constant search for tactile contact with parents;

• fear of the dark and sleep disturbance;
• enuresis and nightmares;
• frequent illnesses or poor health;
• low mood for no apparent reason;
• the desire to harm yourself or the appearance of bad habits (for example, he started biting his nails);
• overemphasized attention to the younger child.

In order to minimize the manifestations of jealousy in the firstborn, it is necessary to properly prepare him for the birth of a baby at the stage of pregnancy.How to properly prepare an older child for the birth of a younger one

Start a conversation with your child 3-4 months before the expected date of delivery.

This is the optimal period that will allow the baby to avoid a long restless wait.

Teach your child to be independent. According to child care expert Tracey Hogg, from the age of nine months, a child can play independently for 45 minutes. If possible, devote this time only to yourself (hobbies, recreation or reading). Teach the child that he should have personal time for his own affairs. This will help him adapt faster after the birth of the baby. It will not be a critical situation for him if his mother does something else. 

Focus the child's attention on his new status. Tell us how you dreamed of a younger brother or sister as a child and how happy you are that you have them. Read fairy tales or watch movies where brothers and sisters are friends and help each other.

Tell the older child about its advantages. It's great that he's already big, can walk, talk, dress, eat or play on his own.   

Form a correct idea of the newborn. The child should understand that he will not have a friend of the same age, but a tiny helpless baby. Show the child his photos as an infant and explain that he was just as small and also required a lot of care and attention.

Include the child in the process of preparing a dowry for the crumbs. Ask him to choose a toy or clothes that the baby would like. Let the child feel significant. In any case, do not criticize his choice.

What to avoid:During pregnancy, do not ask the child if he would like a brother or sister.

1. If he answers no, you still won't be able to change anything.
2. Do not hide and do not hush up the upcoming important event in the life of the family — the birth of a baby. If he guesses about it himself or finds out from outsiders, he will have less confidence in you.
3. Do not delay major changes in the child's life (moving to another bedroom, starting school or kindergarten) until the baby is born. If these events coincide in time, the older one may have the impression that the younger one survives him.
4. Do not leave the firstborn in the care of grandmothers for the period of childbirth and postpartum adaptation. He must participate equally in the life of the family.

Top 12 Tips to Help Parents cope with childhood jealousyIf you have invited guests, ask them to pay attention first and give a gift to the eldest child, and then go to the newborn.

2. Give the older child even more attention. The smaller the difference between children, the more warmth and care the firstborn requires. Show a video of you rocking him in your arms when he cries. Let the baby make sure that in infancy he received everything the same as a brother or sister. 
3. Help your child feel important and needed. Delegate to him all possible household chores. Assign simple tasks to teach him how to properly handle a newborn. Control the process and do not leave children unattended. Do not scold the child if he did something wrong. Show it again and praise for the effort. Tell your baby how much you appreciate his help.
4. Respect the older child's personal space. Do not impose junior's company on him, save his right to play separately. Do not ask the older child to give the younger one toys, crib or clothes. Be sure to ask for permission, but be prepared for rejection. The firstborn rightfully considers himself the owner of these things and can forbid touching them. You can't scold and shame him for it. Show a positive example: let the older child play with the younger's toys. 
5. Do not pass "by inheritance" to the younger diminutive-affectionate nicknames that the older child was called. Let you have your own, special affectionate name for everyone.
6. Maintain close emotional contact with the child. No matter how busy you are, there is always time for a loving look, a kiss or a hug.
7. If you had family rituals before the birth of your youngest child (for example, reading a bedtime story or walking in the park on Sundays), be sure to save them. If there were no such traditions, create new ones or come up with a common secret that will help you get closer. 
8. Encourage the older child's desire to participate in the younger one's life: to communicate, play, help you take care of him. Tell the child that the baby needs his love as well as the love of his parents. Focus the attention of the older child and other people on how the younger one loves his brother or sister. Emphasize the love of the baby for the older child. For example: "Look how he smiles at you!", "Our Misha loves when his older brother feeds him." 
9. When asked by a child who you love more, do not answer "I love you the same way." This answer will not satisfy him, because the child wants to feel special and unique. Say that each of the children has a special place in your heart. Emphasize the advantages of the child that make him unique.
10. During a quarrel between children, do not rush to take the side of one of them. If you don't focus on who is to blame, then children will blame each other less. They need to understand that everyone is personally responsible for their behavior. 
11. If you praise one child, do not forget to immediately praise the second one. Explain to the children that all people are different and have unique advantages and disadvantages, this is normal. 
12. Cultivate a team spirit in children. Think about and offer children non-competitive games in which there is no winner (shop, building a hut). Create a situation in which each of the children will be able to express themselves as a person and enjoy the company of the other. Engage your children in an activity or assign them a responsible task that can be completed successfully only together. 

*****

Many psychologists call the ideal option to love children equally strongly. But it doesn't always help. According to Dmitry Karpachev, you need to love children not equally, but so that each of them has enough of your attention and care. Each child is individual and unique. Stay sensitive to your children and keep your heart open for them. And then you will be able to reduce childish jealousy to a minimum and cultivate love for each other in children.