Why does a child beat his parents

Why a child beats his parents - Upbringing, Behavior, Problems

The kid is peacefully playing with a typewriter, and then suddenly launches it into the mother sitting next to him. Shock! Why is this cute baby doing such a terrible thing?! Let's figure out why a child beats his parents.The child beats the parents:

7 causes of child aggressionBefore you figure out why a child beats mom and dad, you need to remember that aggressive behavior of children 2-3 years old is not considered a developmental deviation or behavioral disorder.

This is one of the natural stages of personality formation — the definition of boundaries and the extent of what is allowed.

Emotions are almost always involved in this process. They control all behavioral reactions and are poorly controlled. Later — after about 5 years — the child will master the skill of self-control and will be able to restrain his impulse. And now his nervous system has not yet matured to the extent to control internal anger.

Imagine: a child wants to play with an antique figurine, but his mother does not allow him to take it. He feels annoyed and annoyed, but still does not know how to correctly express his feelings and does not know how to persuade an adult to the desired action — to give a toy. The only thing he can do now is to realize anger in a physical way, that is, to hit his mother to show how offended he is. 

Lack of self—control is the most common reason why a child beats his parents. But there are others:

1. Copying aggressive behavior. In families where adults allow themselves aggression towards each other, they often forget that children become not just silent witnesses, but small "video cameras" that record everything they see.

And, of course, then repeat what they saw. Therefore, the child beats mom or dad.

The same applies to uncontrolled TV and Internet viewing. Stories with violence firmly fix in the mind of the baby the confidence that it is possible to do so. Adopting the behavior model seen, the child does not realize that he has learned a bad example. Any information from the outside is an instruction for him to act.

2. Physical impact on the child. Giving a raging baby a kick in the ass is still one of the methods of education in many families.

And children who regularly experience physical punishment perceive this way of communication as something effective. 

Forcing another person to do what you want with the help of punches is an acceptable way for them. The difficulty is that it will be extremely difficult for parents to explain to the baby why it is possible to beat him, but it is impossible for him to hit mom or dad.Learn how to harm the child's psyche with your behavior and bring him up happy at Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". 

3. Groping for boundaries. A child in the process of growing up actively learns about the world around him, realizes his place in it, and also explores patterns of behavior in relation to others.

He is extremely interested in what can and cannot be done. The child fights with his parents, as he tries different options and learns from the reaction of adults — if it is negative, then it cannot be done. 

What happens if you hit Dad in the face and pinch Mom's cheek? Discouraged parents may laugh in confusion in response to the actions of a little bully. And thus they will give a signal to action — these gestures are permissible.

4. Thirst for power. We completely normally perceive the desire of an adult to control the situation.

But we absolutely do not accept the child's right to want the same. 

The kid wants to control his mother, control her attention, force her to do what he is currently interested in. But he doesn't do it well. Then there is a protest against disobedience, which results in aggressive behavior. Therefore, the child beats the parents. The child is fighting

5. The desire to attract attention. If parents are busy with their own affairs and do not devote enough time to the child, then he will try all available ways to attract their attention.

Mom does not respond to a request to play, but immediately runs to the child in response to a typewriter thrown in her direction — great, so this method works!

6. Hyperactivity. Children are nuclear reactors that can literally explode from an excess of energy.

If the baby did not run out during the day the prescribed norm, then it is unlikely that he will fall asleep quietly in the evening. He just needs to realize his restlessness in some noisy and active game. 

If this does not happen, the child begins to demonstrate completely inappropriate behavior: hysterics, throwing objects, kicking and pushing parents. 

The situation is aggravated by the lack of understanding of adult causes of what is happening. Instead of adjusting the baby's physical activity regime, they punish him and force him to calm down, which eventually provokes a new round of aggression. Also read: How to teach a child to control emotionsThe child beats mom and dad: erroneous reactions of parents

There are a number of typical, but erroneous reactions of parents to small brawlers.

For example, the way to fight back is considered very effective. Like, to show the child how painful and unpleasant it is when you are beaten. However, this may lead to the fact that the baby will misunderstand you. If Mom hit him, then he can do the same. 

Shouting and swearing won't help much either, because the kid perceives the blow not as a conscious manifestation of violence, but as a method to achieve the desired goal. And he may regard your cry as a reaction to his desire.

For example, if he wanted to show you a drawing, and you didn't look, followed by a blow, then a response cry may prompt the crumb to the idea that mom doesn't like to look at his work. Therefore, swearing is not constructive, because it does not give the child an understanding of what exactly he did wrong.

To shame or make the baby feel sorry for his mother is completely useless actions. At the age of 3-5 years, children do not realize what shame is. And at the same time, they still have a very low level of empathy. How to wean a child from fighting with parentsThe child beats the mother

Let's consider two courses of action in this situation: 

Correct reactions to the beating.

  2. The right punishments. 

It is important to understand that the useful experience gained from your reaction to the beating is likely to be insufficient. The child can continue to fight, so you need to use point 2. But it is best to work in two directions at the same time — to react correctly to blows and to punish them correctly.

So, what should be the reaction of parents:Learn to anticipate the aggression of the child.

  • If you see that he is close to hitting you, grab his hand, hug him, tell him that you love the baby very much, but are upset by his bad behavior. 
  • After the next blow, explain how unpleasant and painful it is for you. Do not go on shouting, do not arrange demonstrative sobs. Speak in an even, confident tone. 
  • Exclude from the child's field of view any manifestations of aggression, violence. Do not raise the tone in conversation with the household. Sometimes it can be difficult, but try not to swear with your husband in the presence of the baby. Control the content that the child watches on TV and on the Internet.
  • Ask leading questions. For example: "What do you want to achieve?", "Are you tired or upset about something?", "Maybe something scared you?", etc. Help the baby express his desire verbally, not physically. 
  • Set the rules. Of course, you can't know what your fidget will throw out next minute. Therefore, create rules immediately after the occurrence of an excess. For example: you can't beat your mom, don't pull your sister's hair, don't pinch your dad's hand, etc. Pronounce the rules every time the baby repeats forbidden techniques. 
  • Do not suppress the child. Overprotection is an absolute evil that negatively affects both the child and the mother. If a baby grows up in an environment of total prohibitions due to parents' anxiety, then sooner or later it will cause a protest. And the most accessible way to express it is to hit the parent.
  • Do not tell the child that he is bad, a brawler, a bully. That other children will not be friends with him, and his parents will generally leave him far away. Such words have a bad effect on self-esteem, they can scare a crumb. As a result, instead of making the right conclusions, he will fight even harder. 

Learn how to unknowingly not harm a child, raise him healthy and self-confident. Register for Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online intensive. Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.Correct punishments


→ Timeout.

A break in communication or play for the child will be an occasion to sit, think, calm down. It is not necessary to put it in a corner or take it to another room. It is enough to declare a timeout and sit on a chair. Explain to the baby that during a break it is impossible to talk, attract attention to yourself and run away. 

→ Deprivation of "buns". Each child has their own — sweets, watching cartoons, a favorite toy, a visit. In response to another blow, explain that if this happens again, the baby will be deprived of any of his privileges. And fulfill the promise. 

→ Compensation for damage. Occupational therapy is one of the most effective educational techniques. But for young children, work has a very conditional meaning. Let's do tasks that are feasible for the child that will help him correct his offense — draw a picture, feed the cat, put toys in the basket. 

→ Encouraging good behavior. If you managed to restrain the child's aggression for some time, praise him. Tell me how pleased you are that he doesn't fight. Hand over a delicious treat for this or treat yourself to a trip to the carousel.

→ Explain that tactile contacts are different — pleasant and unpleasant. Hitting, biting, pinching is an unpleasant tactile contact. And hugging, cuddling, kissing on the cheek is very pleasant. Play the game: for a pleasant gesture, you show the kid a green card, for an unpleasant one — a red one. 


There is another interesting way to cope with the aggression of a child. Some psychologists urge parents to teach their kids to express negative emotions in a fun and safe way. For example, to beat a sofa or kick a soft toy, fight with scarves or knock on the windowsill. Try it, maybe this unusual way will help in your situation.

September 17th, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-09-17 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article? Share it on social networks

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