Is it possible for parents to swear in the presence of children

The question of whether children should see their parents' quarrels is a classic case of a double—edged sword. On the one hand, a noisy showdown harms the child's psyche. On the other hand, by watching adults, children learn to understand the essence of conflicts and to get out of them correctly.

What should parents do anyway - hide their quarrels or not be shy about the presence of a child? Let's figure it out. When conflicts bring harm

The screams and mutual insults of parents during welding bring children into a state of unbearable tension.

Their psyche is experiencing an unbearable load, and the stress hormone cortisol is raging in the blood. 

Scientists have proved that since the age of 6 months, a child reacts to a negative emotional background in the family. And every year of his life, the consequences of contemplating violent scandals between parents are becoming more serious.

Bad example Swearing in the presence of children, adults should remember that the ears-locators are configured for continuous reception of information.

Even if the baby is busy with his business and does not look in your direction. 

He will remember every word and be sure to repeat it — sooner or later, choosing the context or applying it in the most inappropriate situation. Therefore, to assess the consequences of the conflict, imagine that the child duplicates your actions:

• shows aggression, throws objects, dismisses hands;
• insults an opponent, swears;
• humiliates a person's personality;
• lies, exaggerates the problem, manipulates facts;
• I do not agree to compromise.

If you allow all this during quarrels, protect children from such scenes. After all, each time they will receive a negative example, and soon such a model of behavior during the conflict will become the only correct one for them. 

Find out how not to harm the child and choose the most suitable way of upbringing for him. Register - for Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". Consequences for the psyche

As we wrote above, the child experiences stress during the parents' swearing.

If this happens extremely rarely, then there will most likely be no visible consequences. The danger is caused by regular scandals and sluggish conflicts with violent exacerbations. They will definitely affect the child's psyche. 

A number of problems may develop — behavioral, somatic, psychological. The baby will be nervous, aggressive or vice versa — whiny, sullen. Will not be able to create and maintain friendly relations. There will be difficulties with falling asleep, studying and behavior at school will worsen. 

Coalition between family membersListening to the mutual accusations of parents during a quarrel, the child takes the side of one of them.

The one to whom the emotional attachment is stronger, or the one who is more offended. 

There is a division into a good and a bad parent. Not always fair. For example, Dad yelled at mom — so he's bad. Mom is perceived as a victim. In reality, a man's cry may not be caused by aggression, but by an inability to control his emotions. Whereas it was Mom who provoked the problem.

Children's bias hurts parents — those against whom the child has created a coalition.

Their relationship becomes cooler, trust disappears. In the future, the confrontation with the father for the boy may turn into the creation of an "anti—scenario" - not to be like dad. And for the girl — the development of the ability to manipulate people (to blame and achieve their own). The coalition against mom leads to a decrease in self-esteem in the boy and a violation of the formation of femininity in the girl.

Learn more about how to raise an independent, inquisitive and self-confident child - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

Useful quarrels

 

Most parents believe that swearing in front of children is unacceptable.

And they are absolutely right! Watching the ugly screams of adults is very unpleasant and absolutely not useful for the child's psyche. But at what point does an alternative position arise when it is not recommended to hide quarrels from a child?

The answer is simple — if you conflict constructively, do not overdo it and keep emotions under control, then it is not necessary to hide from children. 

And here's why:According to research, in families where it is not customary to conflict in the presence of children, people with serious psychological problems grow up.

1. They are not familiar with their emotional sphere, do not get along well with people, do not know how to defend their position and achieve what they want. 
2. If parents create the appearance of a family idyll, then mutual tension and irritation accumulate inside them. Children feel it. It is much better to quarrel with them and find out what the problem is than to allow passive aggression to occur — the result of unexpressed anger. 

It turns out that it is impossible to quarrel with a child, and it is impossible not to quarrel with a child. What to do?

Also read: How to manage your emotions, and why it's so importantConflicts are a natural part of life

The relationship of two people resembles a roller coaster, only the amplitude of movement up and down is different for each pair.

Someone is skidding on turns, someone is moving towards a common goal more smoothly. One way or another, but the tone of the relationship is not always major. 

Sometimes there are quarrels as a result of disagreements. They can be in the form of a loud scandal, a conversation in raised tones or a constructive conversation. The first form should be avoided. It is destructive in its essence, because no one has achieved anything by shouting yet. The second form is possible, but without the participation of children.

The third form of conflict — a conversation with a statement of claims and a search for a solution — can take place in the presence of a child. She will be an example of how to build relationships, overcome differences and find a compromise.

A study by the University of Rochester (USA)In 2009, scientists at the University of Rochester (New York, USA) began monitoring a focus group that consisted of almost 300 families with preschool children.

For three years, people lived an ordinary life, but at the same time they recorded conflicts and sometimes recorded them on camera. The children were aware of the experiment, could be nearby.

As a result, scientists managed to find out that in families where constructive conflicts were practiced, children grew up more empathetic, independent, tolerant.

They had the least formulaic thinking and high rates of independence of judgment. Outstanding communication skills, willingness to help and increased activity during teamwork were also noted. 

This observation was the first serious confirmation of the educational value of conflicts. 

What is constructive conflictLet's compare how a constructive (useful) conflict differs from a destructive (not useful) one:

1. Different degrees of emotional intensity. Harmful conflict is shouting, insults, broken cups and mobile phones. From the outside, the quarrel looks disgusting, children can't look at this.
2. Different reasons. The couple may have disagreements in life, household, work issues. As a rule, they are solved by discussion, mutual concessions. Destructive appears when the cause of the quarrel is old grievances, jealousy, envy, the desire to suppress a person, to take out their aggression on him. 
3. Different goals. Sometimes people quarrel just like that — this is their lifestyle, the usual level of communication. Such bickering is empty in its essence and serves to fill pauses when there is nothing to talk about. Whereas constructive quarrels are centered around the need to make a decision.
4. Different topics. The presence of children during disputes on the topic of education is unacceptable. Also, it is not necessary to discuss intimate life, financial problems, relatives and friends with them.

The child witnessed the quarrel: what should parents doIf your child accidentally witnessed an ugly scene during the conflict, take some urgent measures:

explain that the parents did not want to offend each other, they just could not contain their emotions and said too much.

• Any, even the loudest, quarrel does not mean that the family has stopped loving each other;
• remind me that your conflicts always have a goal — to find a solution. It's just that today mom and dad chose the wrong way to discuss the problem. Nevertheless, parents will definitely find a way out, agree and reconcile;
• if the child is scared and crying — calm down, hug. Try to switch his attention to something else, take him out of the house or put him to bed. The next day, calmly discuss what happened and assure that the baby will not suffer from parental quarrels in any way. Mom and Dad love him, and that will never change.

_________

Swear in front of the child or not — the choice is yours. If you can't control yourself, give up this idea. But, perhaps, the incentive to increase self-control will be the useful example that your child will receive by observing constructive conflicts of parents.

February 9th, 2021 2022-11-27 2021-02-09 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article? Share it on social networks