Naughty child: psychologist's advice on how to cope with the "little monster"

Often outsiders, and especially those who do not have children yet, roll their eyes at children's tantrums and pampering. They say, well, what a naughty child, I would have coped with him quickly. And they condemn the exhausted parents who passively watch the next prank of their child.

In fact, it is not difficult to predict the future of these know-it-alls: in a few years their energetic children will turn the world upside down. And then it will be their turn to ask themselves how to cope with the "little monsters".

Why does the child not obeyTo begin with, let's figure out why the child does not obey?

There can be many reasons for this: social, psychological, physiological. Even banal overwork sometimes acts exactly the opposite — the child will rush around the apartment like crazy, destroying everything around. He seems to be active, cheerful, but in fact — he is tired. In this state, the baby is not able to sit still, concentrate and fulfill the request of his parents. This is where disobedience comes from, as a natural reaction to the hyperexcitability of the nervous system.

But it happens that a child's bad behavior says that he is developing normally and his "tricks" are a natural process of growing up. In order not to harm the child's psyche, parents need to correctly distinguish between two types of behavior: really bad and normal for the process of growing up.

Also read: The child is afraid: how to calm and comfortOther reasons why the child does not obey:

1. If you are used to an authoritarian parenting style and prefer to just say "no" without explanation, sooner or later the child will rebel and will not do your will. And this is quite a natural reaction, based on awareness of one's own "I" and personal boundaries. The desire to subjugate the will of a little man is a violation of his boundaries. This is unpleasant and does not pass without consequences for the psyche, it causes an internal protest. After a while, it flows into disobedience. And all you need to learn to respect your child, to perceive him as a full-fledged person. Spare no effort and time to explain your decisions to children, especially when it comes to prohibitions or some fundamentally important moments in the life of the family.
2. Bernard Shaw wrote: "If only parents could imagine how annoying they are to their children!". Think about whether it is pleasant for you to communicate with boring or intrusive people? Probably not. And now stock up on self-criticism and analyze your communication with the child. Can it be characterized by the word "annoyance"? Do you notice for yourself that you just put pressure on your son/daughter, impose conversations or your company, do not consider opinions, overprotect? If yes, try to give the child a little more freedom. Let him make his own decisions (within a reasonable framework) and be responsible for them. Then he will have more respect and tolerance for you, and with them there will be obedience.
3. Perhaps the baby just doesn't have enough of your attention. Do you remember how long you spent time together? Only with your family, without TVs and gadgets, without strangers. How long have you been talking to the child, asking about his affairs / well-being / mood? Sometimes, instead of a confidential conversation or spending time together, parents choose "pay-offs" in the form of pizza for dinner or a trip to ice cream. Yes, sometimes these tricks can be resorted to if things are planned that cannot be postponed. But let the lack of parental attention not be a constant phenomenon in the child's life. 

Requests, not commands

An interesting statistic was presented by an American school teacher, the author of the popular blog about educating Teacher Tom. He watched the communication of parents with their children for several years and came to a rather sad conclusion. About 80% of adults communicate with their children in a commanding tone. That is, 8 out of 10 of our words in the direction of the child are commands.

And then the question arises — do you, parents, like it when someone speaks to you in a commanding tone? So the children, as they can, express disagreement with this state of affairs — they rebel, do not obey, behave inappropriately. Exclusively in response to the fact that adults cannot or do not want to control themselves and their speech.

How to fix the situation? At least change the tone of communication. To ask, not to order. The commanding tone is one of the most serious and common mistakes of parents. But there are other mistakes…

Watch the video - Dmitry Karpachev tells you what to do if the child does not listen to you:How to raise a naughty child: examples abroad

• In Ireland, the method of punishment called time out, when a raging baby is taken out of the room or seated on a high chair to rest, is gradually losing relevance. Moms come to the conclusion that talking to a child is much more effective than punishing. You just need to explain what you can't do and why, and also respect the child and praise for all the good manifestations / actions.
• In Norway, children are allowed a lot (especially in kindergartens): play with water, earth, walk dirty and without a hat. Parents are betting on hardening and limiting TV/gadgets. Already at 15, children get their first job — in a bakery, shop, stable. And from the age of 16 they can drive scooters and mopeds. It is believed that this increases their responsibility and consciousness.
• In Poland, children are brought up in Catholic traditions. They honor family and religious holidays, actively socialize, learn to live in society. There are no punishments at all, not even light slaps on the ass. The most severe is the restriction of access to gadgets.
• In Australia, with the advent of children, the way of the family does not change. Parents still lead an active lifestyle, travel a lot, communicate with numerous friends. There is absolutely no cult of children here, so the nightly time out is sacredly observed. But at the same time, Australians communicate with their family a lot and with high quality: during trips to a cafe, to a children's playground or a sports ground.
• In the UK, most of the worries about offspring are taken over by dads. They spend all their free time with the kids, and the rest of the hours are taken care of by a babysitter. Mothers go to work early (a couple of months after giving birth), so they can't pay much attention to the kids. British children have incomparably more freedom than ours. No one pulls them down, does not impose their ideas and opinions, does not force them to wear what their parents consider necessary. They are not given toys, but at the same time the most terrible punishment is to sit them down on a chair, a step.
• In the USA, the fashion for the philosophy of success is now. Parents prefer to be close to their children, control their every step and guide them to achieve success in any manifestation. Therefore, children are brought up in a safe, refined environment and often find themselves unsuited to the harsh realities of life. Screaming, corporal punishment, strict prohibitions are unacceptable here. Instead, parents prefer to switch the child's attention to something else or make time-out.
• In Spain, children are not scolded at all and never. Here it is considered bad form, training. The same goes for shouting and slapping. Children are happy to crawl on the floor, sit on the cold floor and do not always wash their hands — Spanish parents do not see this as a big problem.
• There is also no practice of prohibitions in Mexico. Even if the kid interferes with others with his game (for example, in a cafe), no one will make comments to him, everyone will joke and smile. Mexican children grow up in complete freedom — without parental shouts and prohibitions. At the same time, they are actively encouraged to have creative inclinations, the development of artistic and musical abilities.

Whether the parenting models of other countries are suitable for you — decide for yourself. But it is always useful to get some ideas from this information.

What to do when a child does not obey: tips for parents

Try to accept the fact that a naughty child is normal. In her book "How to solve parenting problems without losing Self-control," psychologist Marina Aromsham writes: "Sometimes a child behaves so self-sufficient that adults can easily "forget" about him for quite a long time. However, such behavior can be a manifestation of a serious mental illness called autism. So it's better to be happy that your baby is constantly looking for new activities for himself, sticking his nose and hands everywhere, healthy, full of vital energy and curiosity."

Educate, not an obedient, but a happy child.

We all dream of seeing our children developed, ambitious and, in the end, successful people. But sometimes we do not realize that total control, prohibitions and commands just kill these personality qualities.

Try not to break the children for yourself, forget the principles of training. It is better instead to talk more and explain cause-and-effect relationships, giving the child freedom of choice and responsibility for it. July 29, 2019 2022-11-27 2020-03-25 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?

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