Second marriage: how can a child find a common language with a stepfather or stepmother

The second marriage of mom or dad is an extremely exciting event for a child. Children do not choose new spouses for their parents, they have to put up with their chosen ones, find common ground and try to get along in the same house. Sometimes it's not easy.

In our article, we will look at the problems that may arise in the first time after the creation of a new family, and also give advice on how to ease the difficulties of adaptation for children from past marriages. What kind of problems can arise

Any changes in the child's life should be understandable.

Where the situation is quite trivial for adults, the child is lost, does not know what to expect. The appearance of a stranger in the house is exactly such a situation. And adults need to take an extremely delicate approach to the difficulties of adapting to a new family lifestyle. 

A child can behave in different ways: show interest in a new family member (stepfather or stepmother), protest against changes, withdraw into himself. The process of building relationships can take a long time, and you need to be prepared for this.

The problems you may encounter are different, but their essence lies in just three things:✓ The child blames the mother or father for the collapse of his family.

The appearance of a new person will open old wounds, seemingly long-resolved issues will come back on the agenda. Be patient and explain to the child again why his mom and dad could not continue to live together, and that the stepfather/ stepmother's fault in their divorce is not.

✓ The new person will become enemy No. 1. Mom or dad will already pay less attention to the child, and this is quite natural. We'll have to get rid of some household habits. The presence of a stranger in the house will initially strain. It is not surprising that a child will associate these inconveniences with a stepmother/ stepfather. 

✓ In the minds of children there are images of ideal moms and dads. And regardless of what these people really are. And a stranger (the chosen one of the parent) is automatically opposed to these images. He will always be different from his own father or his own mother.

The attitude towards him may worsen the negative context in which the second parent (who does not live with the child) is mentioned. The brighter it is, the stronger the protest against the new family member will be.

Do you want to learn more about how to help your child to bear any stresses as comfortably as possible? Then register - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". Tips for stepmothers/stepfathers

Deciding on a second marriage with a person who has a child or several children, it is worth understanding that you are connecting life with them as well.

It is impossible to separate a mother or father from their child — this connection is already firmly rooted and will last a lifetime. Therefore, it is worth considering — are you ready for the presence of the children of the second half in your life? 

If yes, start with the first step — dating. 

How and where to get acquaintedOften the first meeting with the child of the chosen one is held in a cafe, a park, on rides.

But this is not the best idea. Firstly, the child may regard this as an attempt to bribe him (if he is already old enough for such conclusions). Secondly, in an unfamiliar environment, he can get confused, behave unpredictably, close himself off from dialogue. 

It is much better to get acquainted at home. Being in a familiar environment, the child will be calm, feel safe, and will perceive the arrival of a guest much better. 

Try not to overdo it with gifts at the first meeting. Leave expensive toys and bags of sweets for later. A cake or sweets/fruits that the child likes will be enough. 

To educate or notThe first days of getting to know and looking after each other are over.

It's time for the stepfather or stepmother to determine their role in the life of the child of their significant other.

It should be understood that:you will not be able to replace a child with one of the parents and will always be in second place;

• the best relationship model is friendship;
• the child may even protest against communication, may not want to see you, sit down at the common table;
• the parent of the child is in a very difficult situation, so you should not make any increased claims against him.

The question arises — can a stepfather / stepmother participate in the upbringing of a child? Or is it better to remain a silent observer?

Determining the role of a new person in the life of a child, it is worth understanding that it is not only about the right to upbringing. Family people have to solve a lot of organizational and household issues. If the stepmother/ stepfather is assigned a part of family affairs and financial obligations, then this determines his participation in upbringing. 

The logic is something like this: if I support this child, walk with him and take him to mugs, then when he spills soup, I have the right to make him clean up after himself.

Minor dirty tricksIt is possible that in the first years of their life together, the stepdaughter or stepson will choose a strategy of quiet protest — small dirty tricks towards the stepfather / stepmother.

For example, "accidentally" pour tea on the keyboard on his laptop or hide the keys to the apartment. If this happens regularly, it's a signal that your relationship needs to be rebooted. Literally start over.

It is possible to find contact with a child on the basis of joint interests or family affairs.

Spend time alone — without a parent. Show that you are open to communication and friendship. 

Remember: it is very easy to go into an open confrontation with a child, but it is unacceptable for an adult. Your task is not to prove that the child is ill-mannered, but to find points of contact with him in order to discourage the desire to dirty. Also read: Child swearing: what to do and how to wean Rules of coexistence

Do not allow manipulation by the child. 

• Don't bribe him with gifts.
• Do not react to offensive phrases like: "You are not my mother" or "My dad does it better."
• Be able to negotiate with the child, offer alternatives.
• Set your own rules in the family, but also follow the rules set by your husband/wife.
• Take part in the life of the child, help him in everyday matters, with homework, attach to his hobbies. 
• Let the child understand that he can tell you what he would not like to tell his parents. Keep his secrets!
• Respect his personal space, do not cross the boundaries.
• Make comments in the presence of a parent.

JealousyOften the cause of conflict situations between the stepmother / stepfather and children from the first marriage is jealousy.

Especially acutely girls are jealous of their fathers, and boys are jealous of their mothers. 

Only parents can correct the situation with jealousy. Sometimes, by the way, they provoke her. For example, by ceasing to devote time to a child, forcing them to obey new rules, insisting on the need to be friends or even love a stepfather / stepmother. 

The child must understand that the parent's love for him and for his new chosen one are two completely different feelings. With the appearance of a spouse, the love for the child does not become less. 

It is not necessary to encourage competition between a child and his soulmate. In a situation where their interests clashed, it is better to choose the third option so that no one is offended. And on the part of the stepfather or stepmother, it is extremely undesirable to arrange a "struggle for territory" with the child.

Learn more about how to teach a child to control his emotions - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

How to call a stepfather or stepmother

An offer to a child to call someone else's uncle or someone else's aunt the way he calls his parents can be perceived with hostility.

Therefore, you should not push and force him to do it.

The baby will willingly switch to "mom" or "dad", especially when the second parent is not involved in his life. Older children are more difficult. They have a reasonable question: "How can I call someone mom if I already have a mom?".

At first, the child may call your soulmate something like "mom's boyfriend" or "dad's lover". Such words are a way to express annoyance at the fact that it will not work to return the old family, and you do not want to accept a new person. If he finds contact with the child, he will soon confirm his status and get a more correct "name". 

Neutral options:by name;

• "mom's husband" / "dad's wife";
• "stepmother" / "stepfather".

4 stages of the child's adaptation to a new familyProtest.

1. Depending on the temperament of the child, the protest can be expressed in different ways: open conflict, bad behavior, whims, manipulations, internal experiences. It is necessary to talk a lot with the child, pay attention to him so that external changes do not affect his sense of self.
2. Despair. The child understands that the way it was before, it will no longer be, and falls into despair. He becomes sullen, tearful, studies worse, refuses to walk or attend clubs. It is important to let him understand that these feelings are natural, but still we must try to establish normal communication with the stepmother / stepfather.
3. Denial. If the stage of despair has dragged on, and adults have not taken adequate measures to reconcile the child with the changes in his life, denial appears. Children can be very cruel in their actions: they defiantly do not communicate with their stepmother / stepfather, leave the room when he came in, do not eat the food prepared by him. Here you will have to be patient — it will pass soon.
4. Acceptance. Internal agreement with the choice of a parent is not easy for a child. Gradually, he will switch to normal communication with his stepmother or stepfather, stop throwing tantrums, be jealous and blame the parent for "treason". Ideally, after adoption, a movement begins towards a strong friendly relationship between the child and a new family member.

If a common child was born…Another traumatic event for a child is the appearance of a common baby with a parent and a stepmother / stepfather.

Even in their family, with mom and dad, children often react negatively to the news about replenishment. What can we say about who will grab another piece of mom/dad's attention and love.

But despite the difference in situations, the recipe for their solution is the same — to smooth out as much as possible the changes that will arise with the appearance of the baby. The child's way of life should not be disturbed, his needs should be covered in the same way as before — to provide, communicate, love and take care of.

Tips for parents:Constantly repeat that the new child multiplies, not divides, your love in two. 

• Explain that the baby is his half—blood relative. They have a common parent, which means that this connection is no less strong than that of siblings.
• Do not burden the older child with the responsibilities of caring for the younger one. It is better to involve your soulmate in the help.
• Do not divide the children: they should receive all sweets, clothes and toys in equal quantities. Of course, with an eye on age and preferences.

Tips for stepmothers/stepfathers:Involve the child of your significant other in joint activities and games with your baby.

• Focus on the cohesion of the family, let him feel like an integral part of it.
• Don't try to treat both children the same. You probably won't succeed, and the fake non-native child will feel right away. Yes, the baby will receive more care, and this is natural. What matters is what the other child gets. Ideally, smooth, respectful, friendly relations and attention when he needs it. 

An even more difficult situation is when the children of both halves come together in remarriage. Such an extended family requires great delicacy in approaches and educational measures. It's one thing to accept a baby who is your own by blood, and another thing is to come to terms with the appearance of a completely strange child in the family. 

In this case, parents need to understand: each of them is a significant adult for the children of their halves. And if there is a goal to build a friendly, strong family, then the rule "there are no other people's children" should become an axiom. 

*****

Be patient. According to psychologists, it takes from 2 to 7 years for children to adapt to new living conditions after the conclusion of their parents' second marriage. It all depends on the peculiarities of intra-family relations and the complexity of a particular situation. Good luck! October 1, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-10-01 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?