Disliked child syndrome: signs and negative consequences

The syndrome of an unloved child occurs when parental attention and love in the life of the baby was not enough. The love of parents is vital for children. Only in an atmosphere of love can a child grow and develop normally. But not all people love their children or know how to show this feeling. They repeat the mistakes of their parents, and thus links from the next generations are added to the chain of dislike. 

An unloved child is truly unhappy. He is deprived of the most important thing, which he has every right to — a sense of security and self-worth for parents. Why is this happening and what are the signs of an unloved child complex? Let's figure it out. How does the syndrome of an unloved child arise

In psychology, the disliked child syndrome (SNR) is called a whole complex of problems that led to a violation of children's attachment to their parents.

They feel unnecessary in the family, do not feel maternal and paternal love. 

There is a complex of an unloved child in early childhood. The baby subconsciously feels whether he is desired or born by mistake. There are theories according to which the fetus feels the mother's care during pregnancy. But still, the first year of a child's life is considered decisive.

If mom does not interact with him closely enough, ignores his needs, raises his voice — this becomes the first impetus for the formation of dislike.

Further, parental coldness will have a destructive effect on the child's psyche.

The depth of the damage from the syndrome of the unloved child can be described as follows: the unloved child treats himself carefully and with love, and the unloved one is constantly looking for flaws in himself. Imagine a child in the form of a jug — what it will be filled with, with that it will pass through life.

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An unloved child: signsThe syndrome of an unloved child manifests itself in a variety of aspects of a child's life:

He doesn't know how to trust people.

1. This ability is formed in childhood — against the background of a stable and prosperous atmosphere in the family. Shouts, reproaches, scandals, excessive punishments destroy the child's trust in his parents. And if he can't trust them, will he be able to trust strangers?
2. She doesn't know how to express her feelings. This is how undeveloped emotional intelligence manifests itself. The child becomes immune to the emotions of other people and at the same time does not know how to correctly express his feelings. 
3. Afraid to make mistakes. If the parents punished the child for any mistake, then every time the fear of making a mistake will stop any initiative. It's easier to do nothing than then face the consequences of what you've done.
4. Prone to toxic relationships. The child understands that there is an unhealthy atmosphere in his family, but in adulthood he builds relationships according to a similar pattern. He can become a victim of a domestic tyrant (abuser) or he can tyrannize over his loved ones.
5. Not sure of myself, too anxious. The lack of parental love knocks the ground out from under the feet of the child. He does not feel protected by his loved ones, considers himself lonely. He does not believe that he deserves love, so he is afraid to start a relationship with the opposite sex. 
6. Depends on the opinion of others. If there is not enough love in the family, then the child tries to earn it outside the parental home. He ingratiates, pleases, does what he does not like in order to get a share of approval, praise from strangers. This can lead to reckless actions, destructive behavior.

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An unloved child: reasons

Is it possible not to love your own child?

At what point does dislike arise? There can be many reasons for this attitude towards children. Here are the main ones:

✓ Parents don't know how to show their love. Most likely, they were also disliked in childhood, so they do not have the necessary behavioral models. 

✓ Substitution of love with gifts, connivance, pampering. Adults understand that they must somehow organize a happy childhood for their children, but they cannot choose the right way to achieve this goal. Therefore, they follow the simplest path — they pay off with gifts, do not forbid anything, overindulge.

✓ Parents do not know how to build relationships with children. Especially if there are several of them. One child is gentle, loves hugs, the other has enough warm communication and attention. Trying to develop an even attitude to both bloodlines, parents choose something in between, but this option does not suit either of them. An individual approach is not empty words in the distribution of parental love.

✓ Classic sibling problem: someone is older, someone is younger. The youngest are usually lucky. They are bathed in love and care, their desires and needs are met instantly, and the needs of older children are closed according to the residual principle.

✓ Lack of warm feelings as such. Children are not always born to those who are waiting for them. Even if the parents try to hide their dislike, the child will still feel it.

Also read: Why children don't trust their parents and what to do about itDisliked child syndrome: consequences

An unloved child, ready to shout to the world about it.

But not with his voice, publicly, but with his behavior. This is one of the available ways to send an SOS signal to others.

✓ Kids with an active temperament will throw tantrums, cry. The natures will calm down and withdraw into themselves. They will have apathy, unwillingness to communicate with their relatives. Compensating for the lack of love, the child can become an egoist (if my parents don't love me, then I will love myself). In such cases, selfishness goes hand in hand with overestimated self-esteem and low sensitivity. 

Shy children stop perceiving themselves. Their self-esteem without positive reinforcement will melt away before their eyes. They also do not want to take on any responsibility, and first of all it affects their studies. 

✓ If parents pay attention to the child and say kind words only during the illness, then he will get sick often. 

The atmosphere of aggression in the family provokes the appropriate behavior of children in society. This is how they adjust the external environment to the usual conditions of their existence. 

Consequences for adult lifeDislike in childhood has far-reaching consequences.

The syndrome of an unloved child in women can lead to the fact that a girl who has not received enough love from her parents is much less likely to build a prosperous family. She may contact a married man, a tyrant, or an emotionally cold person. Maybe the other extreme is the endless search for a prince on a white horse.

The syndrome of an unloved child in men manifests itself in a different way. Deprived of his mother's warmth in childhood, the guy will look for it from women, changing one partner for another without much remorse. He will not be able to build a long—term relationship, because trust and intimacy are unfamiliar concepts to him.

An unloved man will come to the fore with work, friends, hobbies. The family is not the place where he can be appreciated and loved. And no matter how his wife tries to change his mind, he will be wary of her actions.

How to overcome the dislike syndrome: tips for parentsIt is much more difficult to deal with the syndrome of an unloved child than to prevent its development.

What to do:To love your child without any conditions

1. . Always be on his side. Protect and defend. Never scold in front of strangers, do not devalue his opinion. 
2. Demonstrate love with actions, not just words. Give enough attention and care, be aware of the interests of the child, take them into account. 
3. To notice and emphasize the dignity of the child, to develop them. Every child is unique in something, and it is important for parents to create favorable conditions for this uniqueness to manifest itself. 
4. Create a clear system of rewards and punishments. Children should be instilled with a sense of responsibility for their actions, but at the same time maintain enough freedom for harmonious development. 
5. Give the right to make a mistake. Do not predict negative scenarios if the child has acted badly or could not cope with some task. On the contrary, it is necessary to instill confidence that everything will definitely work out.

Is it possible to fall out of love with childrenStrangely enough, but over-loved children are no less unhappy than those who are not loved.

If a child is literally squeezed, surrounded by care that borders on overprotection, there is a great chance to grow an egoist, spoiled and overly demanding of others. It turns out that love also has boundaries.

An excess of love arises from the unwillingness of parents to accept children's independence.

They take care of and cherish the baby, take care of the preschooler, and then strangle the teenager with care. He grows up helpless and capricious.

To love means to allow everything that the child wants or demands. He has blurred the boundaries of what is allowed and what is not allowed. He does not take into account the opinions, desires and rights of other people. 

To give an adequate amount of love to your children, listen to their desires. If the child needs you — do not push away, find time for communication, hugs and affectionate words. If he pulls away a little — do not impose your society, just be somewhere nearby, in the access zone.

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If you feel that you are not giving enough parental warmth to your children, urgently correct yourself. Every year, dislike will create more and more problems for them, which are much more difficult to solve than just hugging your child and saying the three most important words.