The child is often angry: what to do

When the word "anger" comes to mind something negative, dangerous. Especially in the context of the topic of parenting. But in fact, this emotion is so deep and ambiguous (and also extremely necessary for the harmonious development of personality) that it is worth paying special attention to it. 

Why are children angry? How should their parents feel about this? Read about this in our article. Why is my child angry?

Because he loves you!

This is a fact. Children rarely show strong emotions to strangers. Almost never. But relatives can cause the maximum range of experiences — from extreme positivity to complete negativity. Emotional closeness with parents creates a sense of complete security and freedom. The child reads love, acceptance and approval, so at some point he decides to declare himself as a separate person. A person who has the right to get angry, flare up, say "no". 

Watch the kids who feel the external danger. They either burst into tears or cling to their mother in order to restore their sense of serenity and calmness as soon as possible. Does it occur to them to be angry in such a situation? No. To do this, you need a comfortable, familiar environment. 

Contact with your AngerIt is impossible to learn how to manage anger without experiencing it in a variety of manifestations.

Having understood how the negative, vented on others, acts, the child receives one of the communication tools. A girl who has been taught to be obedient will not be able to say "no" to an annoying boyfriend. A boy who has been taught not to resist will not be able to fight back against offenders. 

Children feel their emotional nature: "What happens if I throw a tantrum now?".

And there is no need to look for some kind of universal meanness in this. This is just an attempt to establish contact with your own feelings. Learn how to manage them, take control and use them where it is really necessary. 

Learn how to teach a child to manage their emotions - at Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know".  

The Danger of Suppressed AngerIf you suppress emotions of the negative spectrum for a long time, health problems will begin.

This relationship has been repeatedly described by psychosomatic researchers and is no longer a secret to anyone. 

But there is another danger: suppressed anger can turn into passive aggression. That's really where the field is for various deviations in development and behavior. 

The parental request "don't be angry" or "calm down immediately" is not intended to solve the problem (eliminate the provoking factor), but only to hide the emotion deeper. As a result, it will still result in something bad: a decrease in self-esteem, a hidden resentment against relatives, distrust of others, inability to show feelings. And in particularly difficult cases — depression and even suicidal tendencies.

Prohibit or encourage: how to react to children's angerMost often, the child's anger is directed at the parents.

He may not like the prohibitions or actions of adults, decisions in which his interests were not taken into account. But it is worth remembering that it is on the parents that the child hones communication skills. The closer a person is, the easier it is to entrust their emotions to him. Even negative ones. 

How to react to an angry child? At first glance, anger needs to be suppressed/suppressed. But the paradox is that it is she who teaches us to defend our borders. 

Children get angry when they don't like something. They have an internal conflict between "I want", "I can" and "I deserve". But the balance of these three components forms a healthy self-esteem and, as a result, the ability to defend their desires, their choices, their interests. Also read: The child does not understand the word "impossible": psychologist's adviceReasonable prohibitions

To recognize the child's right to anger is not equal to the connivance and self—exclusion of parents from educational measures.

But not all adults understand this, and they often go to extremes: either they forbid the child to express negative emotions, or they allow him to get hysterical and freak out at the slightest provocation. 

Perhaps in childhood they were very much restricted in this, because they identify their parenthood with the complete freedom of self-expression of children. 

But there should still be reasonable prohibitions. If you see that a child has outbursts of anger due to unsatisfied desires, you need to urgently change the approach to education and establish adequate restrictions.

8 mistakes that parents makeIn addition to the above-described incorrect reactions to children's anger, parents make a number of other mistakes:

blame the child (ungrateful, do not respect the mother);

• ignored;
• they manipulate their health (after your antics, my heart hurts);
• attract third parties to shame the child;
• they don't want to understand the reasons for anger;
• they put pressure on authority (some other booger dares to open his mouth);
• make far-reaching conclusions (an evil child grows up to be a boor);
• they impose their opinion on the cause of anger.

These mistakes aggravate the situation: the child will learn to suppress or, even worse, hide his anger from his parents. But he will definitely find a way to give vent to this emotion. For example, he will take out evil on others (peers) or on himself. 

Learn how to make mistakes in education, which 90% of parents allow - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

What to do if the child is angry

Actions that parents should take:

1. Understanding. Your task is to find the cause of anger and eliminate it.

And while you're working on it, be patient. At the moments of the next emotional outbursts, do not turn on the Hulk, but talk to the child in a calm tone. This will bring you closer and build trust between you. When they understand you, it's no longer interesting to shout and freak out somehow. 

2. Empathy. Show the child who is overcome with anger that you sincerely feel sorry for him.

Not for showing weakness and inability to control himself, but for the fact that something unpleasant happened to him. The trick is that pity is the opposite of devaluing feelings. The child will definitely understand that you respect his right to this emotion. 

3. Control of outbursts of anger.The child is angry, he wants to scream, run away, throw the first object he sees and, perhaps, even hit someone.

Your task is to stop these manifestations, but without suppressing anger. 

What will help: a pillow or a soft whipping toy, a foam hammer that can be knocked on the floor or sofa, a children's punching bag, rubber balls. Give the child an arsenal for venting anger and offer to play the destroyer. 

4. Calm reaction. No matter how much you want to shout at the raging child, restrain yourself.

And here's why: during communication, people involuntarily adjust to the general emotional background. If both (parent and child) are nervous, then this will significantly increase the intensity of passions around the situation. At the same time, the calm reaction of an adult will cool down the outbursts of anger in a child. 

5. Attention. Do not leave an angry child alone with his anger.

Make eye contact, take his hand, hug him if he allows it. Show your involvement in the situation, as well as your willingness to listen, help, calm down. 

6. Confidential conversation. Give the child the opportunity to speak out or even shout out his inner anger.

Listen carefully. While he is nervous, it is not necessary to start educational conversations. Wait until he calms down and takes a breath.

7. Creative approach. This method is suitable for younger children (up to 7 years old)

. Suggest fantasizing about "If I turned into an animal..." in the context of a reaction to a situation that caused anger. 

It is advisable to start the game when the child gets angry: let him growl like a tiger, roar like a bear or howl like a wolf. Such a creative way to express emotions will distract the child from the cause of anger and cheer up.

______

Leo Tolstoy wrote: "The pretense of kindness is even more repulsive than malice." 

If your child is angry and at the same time is not shy about his emotions — this is a reason to rejoice. He is sincere with you and is determined to accept your help. Go ahead!