Shy child: how to deal with it

It would seem that a small problem is a shy child. So what, we were all shy in childhood, and nothing, we grew up. All the other children will grow up, but what will their childhood be like? How will the teenage period go? Will this time be cloudlessly happy? 

Let's figure out what is the danger of shyness in children. Also in the article you will find 12 tips on how to remove tightness and shyness in a child. 

Causes of shynessThey can be divided into two categories — congenital and acquired. 

Congenital causes:Type of temperament.

• Phlegmatic and melancholic people are more shy.
• Genetics. According to research, in 30% of cases, shyness, as a character trait, is genetically determined. 
• Lability of the nervous system. High sensitivity, low resistance to loads and stresses. 
• Features of the body. For example, poor eyesight, poor hearing. 
• Autism spectrum disorders: Asperger's syndrome, autism, etc.

Purchased:The skill of social interaction is undeveloped.

• For example, a shy home child comes to kindergarten and does not know how to behave in a team. 
• Low emotional intelligence.
• Dysfunctional living environment: alcoholic parents, etc. 
• Traumatic events in the past.
• Psychological difficulties: anxiety, suspiciousness.
• Problems of adaptation. It concerns significant changes in life (relocation, divorce of parents, death of a relative). 
• Disadvantages in education: authoritarian parents, overprotection.

Children's shyness is noticeable from the age of 2, and by the age of 6 it becomes clear what kind of child will be in the future — shy or brisk. Therefore, it is important to take timely measures to overcome shyness at the stage of its origin. 

It is equally important to correct shyness, which is caused by innate factors. But here it is impossible to do without the help of specialists (psychologists, correctional teachers).

Learn how to properly raise a child so that he grows self-confident and independent. Register - for Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". The impact of shyness on quality of life

Parents of a closed and shy child may think that this character trait is even useful.

He does not get into dangerous situations, stays close to adults, does not make contact with strangers. But in fact, there are much more minuses than pluses. 

The book "The Shy Kid" by teacher R. Sirenko and psychologist N. Bogachkina describes the consequences of uncorrected shyness:

• as soon as a child begins to understand that shyness is what distinguishes him from most of his peers, it becomes a personal problem that he is acutely experiencing;
• the child does not leave the feeling that others are hostile against him;
• self—esteem decreases, but at the same time egocentrism deepens - children constantly evaluate their "I", engage in self-examination;
• painful reaction to criticism;
• shy children feel guilty, are in tension;
• negative emotions associated with shyness are gradually accumulating. Vital forces are spent on their suppression, not on productive activity;
• a shy child does not know how to overcome the fear of communication, so he chooses the easy way — to stay alone;
• shyness builds an invisible barrier between the child and society;
• the lack of independence of such children becomes pathological: approval from parents is needed in everything, the fear of being alone;
• shyness blocks cognitive interest. The child explores the world with extreme caution, is not ready for experiments, refuses to do unfamiliar things and activities.

Also read: Disliked child syndrome: signs and negative consequencesShyness in preschool age

Young children have difficulty describing their own experiences.

Especially if they are timid, introverted kids. They cannot complain to their mother that they are afraid to ride on the carousel, but only burst into bitter tears at the sight of the attraction. At the same time, they want to do it, and with proper support they would do it, but… 

Gradually, adults get used to the indecision of the child and stop offering him to try something new. Anticipating a negative reaction, they do not let strangers near the baby. Moreover, after seeing how the child is shy, cowering with fear and huddling up to his mother, adults are embarrassed by these manifestations and choose a completely wrong tactic — to leave the child alone. 

Kindergarten and shy childrenOften educators know that from a closed child you will not wait for a ringing reading of a rhyme at a matinee, so often he does not get any roles at all.

Such children may not even be taken into competitions, because timidity will not allow them to enter into a fight with rivals. In fact, shyness becomes the cause of social isolation. 

According to researchers, more than 42% of preschoolers aged 4-5 demonstrate shyness in an unfamiliar or not entirely friendly environment (when a child is left without parents, one-on-one with a children's team and educators). Therefore, it is very important to properly adapt children to kindergarten:

• gradually increase the stay time;
• come up with rituals of meetings and goodbyes with parents;
• motivate a visit to the garden;
• at first, mom or dad should be present in the group next to the child;
• establish contact with caregivers and other children.

Shyness at school If the problem of shyness is not solved at preschool age, school for such a child becomes a real test.

In kindergarten, it was possible to sit quietly in a corner and play with a toy, but during lessons it would not be possible to stay alone with your fears and tightness. 

Indecision and self-doubt negate the benefits of the educational process.

For shy children, school is associated with stress. Academic performance is falling: even easy tasks are difficult if they need to be solved at the blackboard in front of the whole class.

In addition to shyness, there is uncertainty in their own knowledge. What's the use of them if a child can't tell the world about his abilities. 

What happens when a child is shy at schoolTimid children get used to social isolation even in kindergarten, so it is extremely difficult for them to make friends with classmates.

If you're lucky, you can find company among the same shy guys. But these are isolated cases. For the most part, shy children continue to be alone.

Shyness affects the ability to communicate with others. The child is afraid to ask for help, to ask a question to a teacher or a neighbor at the desk. This leads to a decrease in the level of claims. Such a student does not need anything, is not interested in anything, he is inert and uninterested in school affairs. 

The problem is aggravated by the fact that the child gradually begins to replace his opinion with the opinion of others. And he really begins to think that he does not need anything and is not interested. 

Learn more about how to raise an independent, inquisitive and self-confident child - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

Teenage shyness

From the age of 8, the prepubescent period begins, when a shy child gradually turns into a shy teenager.

This time is marked not only by active physical growth, but also by changes in psychological terms.

Shyness becomes a permanent character trait. The surrounding people, and the teenager himself, have long been used to it. Certain behavioral models have been developed that allow you to be in a psychological comfort zone:

• the child finds it difficult to get along with new people, so for all his school years he has no more than 1-2 friends;
• he stays in the shadows at holidays and other events;
• it is lost at the blackboard, so the level of academic performance is average or below average;
• rejects communication with the opposite sex.

By the way, a survey was conducted in Ukraine among teenagers and young men from 14 to 18 years old. According to the data obtained, 40% of them suffer from increased shyness. Girls are about a quarter more likely than boys. 

Feeling of loneliness in teenagersThe fear of showing your best skills and making a good impression leads to isolation, which takes a different form than in childhood.

One of the main transformational processes in adolescents is the need to feel part of a group. It gives a sense of security, liberates, allows you to express your identity. But it is extremely difficult for a shy child to join any community, so the natural process is disrupted, the feeling of loneliness is aggravated at times.

The teenager is painfully experiencing isolation. May become an outcast in the classroom, be bullied. As a result, a whole complex of psychological problems develops, there is increased anxiety, depression.

How to help a shy child

We have examined the effect of shyness on children from different age groups, and the conclusion suggests itself — you need to fight with this quality! But it is important to approach this as delicately as possible. 

Here are 14 tips on how to overcome shyness in a child:Do not focus on shyness, this will only add complexes.

2. Do not discuss the child's shortcomings in the presence of other adults, especially outsiders. 
3. Pay him as much attention as possible, involve all family members in business and entertainment.
4. Low self—esteem is a faithful companion of shyness. Work in this direction as well: praise the child, give him the opportunity to show his best qualities and talents.
5. Teach communication skills in practice: literally explain what to say and at what point.
6. Never force a child to do what he is afraid of. 
7. Gradually expand your social circle, teach you to get to know people, make compliments.
8. Instill independence in your child to increase his self-esteem. The more he will be able to cope with the tasks better, the faster he will feel confident in his abilities. 
9. Interest clubs and sports sections are very useful for a shy child: it is better to start attending them no later than 6-7 years.
10. Be interested in what situations during the day caused fear and embarrassment in your son/daughter. Play them at home, find optimal behaviors.
11. Support the child while adapting to any changed conditions: transfer to another class, relocation, vacation trip. 
12. Chat, chat in social networks or messenger with a teenager during the day. You should be available for emergency support.
13. Tell us about your experience with the opposite sex. Express an understanding of the feelings of a teenager who is shy in front of a girl or a boy who has caused sympathy.
14. Be patient and feel free to show love and acceptance. They are vital for shy children.

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It is not difficult to determine whether it is necessary to fight shyness. If a child refuses something not for objective reasons, but because he is shy, then this quality has a destructive effect on him. And something needs to be done about it. Good luck!