The child is jealous of his mother: what to do and how to react

Some mothers are touched by how much their babies are jealous. Indeed, this feeling can be regarded as a manifestation of very strong love. It is not for nothing that the French poet P. Cornel wrote that "jealousy should be generated by love alone."

But in the case of children, jealousy may have a slightly different background. Let's talk about the essence and causes of this phenomenon, and also figure out what to do when a child is jealous of his mother.The Nature of childhood jealousy

Evolution has endowed people with a variety of instincts.

One of them — the survival instinct — manifests itself from the moment of birth. The kid can't survive in a harsh world on his own, he needs a mom. But how to get her attention? The newborn uses what he can do — cry. 

By signaling their need, children immediately receive feedback. Driven by maternal instinct, the mother runs to the child to give him what he asks for (a breast or a bottle, a dry diaper, etc.). This is how a strong emotional bond is formed between mom and baby. And mom, as a person, is not here. Everything is much more prosaic:

Need → Cry → Satisfaction of the needBabies do not adore their mothers, they adore the feeling of comfort, warmth, satiety and security that arises next to their mother.

There is an infantile egocentrism, in which the baby feels like the center of the Universe. He does not yet know how to think about the feelings of other people, and perceives the relationship with his mother through the prism of possessiveness.

The fear that mom will disappear (namely, that his needs will not be met) makes children show jealousy. A little later, this translates into attempts at all costs to protect "their territory" from the encroachments of others. And if this fails, anxiety and discomfort arise.

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Who are we jealous of today?Children's jealousy is revealed under the influence of external factors — when a certain "invader" appears, claiming the attention of the mother.

Jealousy of the fatherThe most obvious candidate for this role is the father.

As a rule, children do not spend much time with dads, so in the first years of life they are less attached to them. And the weaker this attachment, the stronger the struggle for mom will be expressed. 

The kid sees his dad hugging his mom, the adults are having a nice conversation, they go into the kitchen together: "How unfair! I've laid out the cubes here, I want to play, and Mom's gone!". And a loud crying is heard in the apartment. Alarmed parents rush to the child — what happened? And they do not always understand that the reason is banal jealousy.

How to act in this situation:

1. Don't look for the guilty. Do not push your husband away to please the baby. Do not scold the baby himself — he does what his instinct tells him.
2. Don't ignore your husband. Noticing the child's jealousy, mom may refuse to spend time with dad, hug him in front of her son or daughter. So you create a positive reinforcement for children's egocentrism.
3. Call the baby to yourself. Hug him, kiss him. Explain that not only the baby loves mom, but also dad. 

The child is jealous of his mother to his stepfatherIt all depends on how long the baby has known his stepfather.

If the second marriage took place recently, then the baby just did not have time to get used to the new family member. For him, he is a stranger, and his encroachments on his mother will be perceived especially acutely. 

In such a situation, the rapprochement of the stepfather and the child will help. Let them spend as much time together as possible, sometimes without mom. The task of adults is to make it clear to the baby that this person is now also his family, he does not pose any threat. 

Jealousy of brothers and sistersIt will arise in any case.

If the child is the youngest in the family, he will try to win the mother's attention with the help of jealousy. If the elder — will win back his share of maternal love from the younger. 

Parents will have to show the wonders of balancing, keeping the balance between the two children. It is important not just to spend time together, but also to find an opportunity for mom and dad to be alone with each child. 

In N. Kulakova's book "Children's jealousy. For those who are expecting another child," three basic conditions for the peaceful coexistence of children in one family are described:

1. It is not necessary to tell the eldest child that he will have a friend, a playmate. After all, this is not true. The one who is born will be completely indifferent to the activities of an older brother or sister for at least a whole year.
2. Don't compare children. They can grow similar, or they can differ polarically both in appearance and in personal qualities. Any comparison will be in favor of only one, but it will give the second a reason for resentment and jealousy, because whoever is praised is probably loved more.
3. Praise the older child for his participation in caring for the younger one, even if it is not any help, but just interest. Cultivate pride in him for the fact that he understands the need to pay more attention to the baby.

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The child is jealous of his mother for other children

Some babies painfully perceive even a simple polite conversation of their mothers with other people's children.

What can we say about gifts and other tokens of attention. Even the most seemingly banal "Kinder" brought to a friend's child can cause hysteria: "Why is my mom giving a gift to another child?!". 

To minimize jealousy of other people's toddlers, explain the rules of social communication to the baby. The fact that a mother will talk to another child does not mean that she forgets about her child. No one will ever get more attention than their own son/daughter.

Well, do not forget to buy a stand-in gift for your child. Take a chocolate bar for other people's children — take the same one to your own. Then there will be no reason for jealousy. 

Mistakes in mom's behaviorAlways remember that childhood jealousy is one of the ways to attract the attention of the mother.

A desperate desire to get confirmation that his mother loves him the most, he is the most important and necessary person in her life.

Think about why the child needs this confirmation so much? Perhaps the reason is in the mother herself:Due to the peculiarities of character, upbringing or psychological trauma, some mothers are simply not able to express love.

• They think that if the basic needs of the child are met, then more is not needed. Or maybe they would like to show their love, but they don't know how to do it. 
• Even a mother who is on maternity leave with a child can devote catastrophically little time to him. The fact is that there is formal attention, and there is qualitative. In the formal case, mom is nearby (in the same room), but she is passionate about her business — looking at the phone, reading a book, chatting with a friend on Viber. The kid is left to himself. Quality attention is in the moment, that is, to engage the child, communicate with him, perform a joint task with full involvement. 
• Jealousy can arise from helplessness. And she, in turn, blooms violently against the background of parental overprotection. If the mother has surrounded the baby with care and does not leave him for a second, does not delegate the care of him to the father / grandmother, does not allow the baby to take the first steps to independence — his dependence will increase every day. And when mom needs to switch her attention to something else, the child will quickly remind her that there is no way without her.

Fighting child jealousy: tips for parentsJealousy is a feeling that is easier to prevent than to get rid of it later.

What can parents do:Do not create an imbalance in the communication of the child with mom and dad.

• Even if the father is at work on weekdays, weekends should be entirely devoted to communicating with the child. 
• Constantly tell the baby that his parents love him, cherish him. Attach the crumbs to joint classes. For example, even if he is not interested in the plot of the film yet, he will not refuse to lie next to his parents on the couch.
• If you have two or more children, try not to let any of them lose your attention. Yes, sometimes you need to devote more time to one child, but as soon as the situation settles down, fill in the gaps with other children. 
• Remind me that Mom and dad love their kids equally much. 
• Find a common activity for the whole family. Even if the youngest child will not be able to fully participate in the process, let him just be there. 
• The entry into the house of a new person should be preceded by a detailed explanation of who, why and why will come to live with you. Due to their age, children may simply not understand where someone else's uncle came from and why he claims mom's attention. 
• To establish contact between the child and the stepfather, find common interests or activities for them.
• Prepare your baby for a visit or for the arrival of guests in advance. Tell him that there will be other kids there, and he will be able to play with them. Remind me that you love your baby very much and any sign of attention to another child does not mean that this love will become less.

Also read: The child is often angry: what to do_______

How difficult it is to fight childish jealousy! Especially if it appears suddenly and not so obviously. It is important to find the cause of this feeling and take the necessary measures. February 15th, 2021 2022-11-27 2021-02-15 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?