How not to become toxic parents

Toxic relationships between adults and children are not fights and screams, but inconspicuous moral sabotage while maintaining external well—being. Toxic parents perfectly disguise themselves as normal and often do not realize their destructive influence on the child's psyche. At the same time, their mistakes in education cost children dearly, poison not only the present, but also the future. 

Let's talk about the toxic behavior of parents, and also consider tips on how to prevent this from happening in relationships with their children. Who are toxic parents

In classical psychoanalysis, the term "toxicity" is not used.

Although at the everyday level we all understand what it is about. Toxicity is a kind of toxic property. And in the context of human relations, the meaning of the word becomes obvious. 

S. Forward's bestselling book "Toxic Parents" gives a very accurate description of this concept: "Our parents sow mental and emotional seeds, and these seeds germinate in us. In some families, these are the seeds of love, respect and independence. But in many other families, the seeds of fear, debt and guilt are being sown."

Toxicity is not a characteristic of the person himself, but of his relationship with others. A sullen or arrogant personality will not necessarily be toxic with other people. And vice versa — pleasant in every sense people can be real toxic towards their loved ones. 

It all boils down to the fact that toxicity is a relative concept.

10 signs of toxic parentsThe emotional climate in the family directly affects the psychological state, as well as the formation of personal qualities in the child.

At the same time, toxic relationships with parents negatively affect all aspects of personal development. The child does not receive enough love and warmth, grows up in an unhealthy atmosphere. His main motivation is the desire to leave his parents' house as soon as possible. 

There are several types of toxic parents. Some consider themselves victims, others, on the contrary, play the role of a family despot. Still others can combine both hypostases, skillfully manipulating children's feelings. And the worst thing is that the child protects his parents, sincerely loves them and does not even realize that they are doing bad to him. 

Consider 10 signs of toxic behavior of parents towards their children:Authoritarianism and control.

1. The child should give an account of all his affairs, acquaintances, movements. If he disobeys, he will be severely punished.
2. Overprotection. Suffocating care, protection in the absence of danger, keeping the child near you (an obstacle to age separation).
3. Egoism. Ignoring the needs of the child for the sake of their desires. The cold attitude, self-exclusion from parental duties is emphasized.
4. Disrespect of opinion. Parents impose their will, do not give the child the opportunity to make their own decisions.
5. Criticism. Ridiculing and commenting in a negative way on the behavior, appearance or words of the child. 
6. Manipulation. Imposing feelings of guilt and shame, reducing the child's self-esteem. 
7. Blackmail and intimidation. Achieving your goals through destructive influence. Abuse of parental authority and dependent position of the child.
8. Infantilism. Parents who never grew up psychologically. They do not take care of the child, but they themselves require care, control and attention. They can compete with him for the favor of other family members.
9. Emotional terror. After each conversation with a toxic parent, the child feels depressed, exhausted, apathy. 
10. Physical violence. Inflicting pain (under the pretext of education or just like that), as well as sexual violence.

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How not to become or stop being toxic

Our relationships with loved ones are formed over the years.

And it can be extremely difficult to change the usual line of behavior, the format of communication. But if you don't want to become toxic parents, then you need to know how to behave with children. 

Tip 1. You are not a commander. The child does not have to obey you just because he is younger than you and lives in your house, at your expense.

This cannot be an argument in disputes and requests. Also, you have no moral right to suppress the will of the child, except in cases when he is in danger.

The authoritarian style of upbringing generates only inner protest and complexes in children. 

Tip 2. Independence does not arise by itself.At first, you overprotect the child: tie the shoelaces of a six-year-old, write essays to a fifth-grader, etc. And then complain that he grows completely independent, depends on you and cannot be relied on.

In order for a child to grow up responsible and independent, you need to give him the degree of freedom that corresponds to his age.

Also read: Children's personal boundaries: why and how exactly to observe themTip 3.

The interest in the child's life should be sincere.Some parents limit themselves to formal participation in the children's lives.

They forget to take an interest in their affairs, do not offer their help and support in settling conflicts. Sometimes they don't even know the names of the child's friends and teachers.

It is impossible to build trusting relationships on such a basis. After all, you simply will not have common topics for conversation. To fix this, still find time to exchange news and immerse yourself in children's affairs/problems as deeply as the situation requires. Seeing your sincere interest in his life, the child will never feel unnecessary, unloved.

Tip 4. Down with comparisons!Any comparison of a child with other children is harmful.

If he turns out to be worse, he will worry that he is not good enough for unconditional parental love. If it is better, an excellent student complex and a neurotic desire to always be the first can develop, which is also not very good for the psyche.

Teach children to focus solely on their abilities and develop them without looking at others. This is the only way to form a healthy self-esteem and motivate for achievements in the chosen activity. 

Tip 5. Teach them to say "no".The ability to refuse people their requests means properly constructed boundaries of personality.

This will help in the future to defend their rights and interests, to stop the actions of offenders and aggressors.

If you accidentally or knowingly violated the personal boundaries of the child, apologize and step back. And if you constantly impose your desires, think that in the future other people will try to do it. And he won't be able to fight back. Do you want it?

Tip 6. A child should have the right to emotions. And do not ask or force them to hide.

Do not blame the child for showing feelings, and it is also indicative to be upset if his reaction differs from what you expected.

Do not extinguish, but explore children's emotions. Enjoy the manifestations of joy, even very violent ones. Be sympathetic to sadness or irritation. Do not stop negative feelings (anger, aggression), but give them the right way out.

Tip 7. Promote age separation.The first significant child crisis occurs at the age of 3.

The actions of the baby are due to the desire to show independence. To the offer of help, he replies "I myself!". There will be 3 more age crises before reaching adulthood, and each of them marks the next stage of the psychological separation of the child from the parent. 

At the same time, toxic parents are not ready to let go of even adult children. They keep them with the help of psychological pressure and blackmail, manipulation. As a result, the child has much less chance to take place in adulthood than those who have gained freedom of action in time and become independent.Learn how to raise a child so that he grows up independent and is ready for even the most difficult situations - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". 

Tip 8. Don't be critical.A good parent will point out the shortcomings and help get rid of them.

And the toxicist will begin to reproach, ridicule, regularly raise this topic and hyperbolize it.

Such people are guided by their own logic: they say it is better to learn the truth from the closest ones. But this can be done more gently, so as not to hurt the child's self-esteem. 

Tip 9. Don't be too strict.Some parents are sure that children (especially boys) need to be brought up in a tight grip.

Do not praise, do not "babble", do not spoil. But instead of tempering character and strengthening strong-willed qualities, the child loses a sense of security and unconditional support from the family. 

Use parental rigidity dosed and only in situations where you really can't do without it. The rest of the time, you should not restrain the manifestations of love for children. It is vital for them at any age.

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You can be an ideal parent in 99% of cases, and in a certain situation act like a typical toxic. Therefore, it is always necessary to leave the right to make mistakes, as well as to separate poorly chosen approaches to education and purposeful sabotage. March 12, 2021 2022-11-27 2021-03-12 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?