Emotionally immature parents

Are you familiar with the term "parentification"? This is when children literally "adopt" their parents, that is, they change roles with them. In such a situation, childhood ends quickly. However, premature adulthood does not pass without a trace for a person's mental health. 

In the future, the relationship of already adult children and still immature parents becomes even worse. Why this happens and what to do about it — read our article.Emotional immaturity:

what is it and how is it manifestedThere is a belief that for parenthood it is enough to physically grow up, marry if possible and provide for yourself minimally.

But in fact, these are only the external attributes of adulthood, which do not mean at all whether a person will be a good parent. Because this requires one single condition — to be an emotionally mature person. 

Only an emotionally mature parent will:be responsible for a new life;

• make sometimes difficult but necessary decisions;
• set priorities and correctly assess risks;
• understand what a normal childhood is;
• cut off stereotypes and complexes;
• trust and listen to the child;
• express your love correctly;
• do not allow overprotection;
• give enough freedom and bring up independence in the child.

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One of the most effective tools of education is a personal example.

But it only works when the parent is an authority for the child. What example will an adult, but an infantile person give to his children? 

Surely they will have to watch a series of his mistakes and wrong decisions, and then see the consequences.

But the worst thing is that the defective behavioral patterns laid down in childhood are very likely to bring such children a lot of trouble in their adult life.

So it turns out that "no oranges will be born from aspen." 

Also, an emotionally immature person will not be able to give his children unconditional love, comprehensive support and help, a comfortable atmosphere for a happy and trouble-free growing up. It can be said that their chances of growing up psychologically full and healthy people are much lower than those of children whose parents have grown up not only externally. 

Also read: How not to become toxic parentsHow to recognize psychological immaturity

Lindsay Gibson, an American clinical psychologist with 40 years of experience, has written one of the most famous books on our subject.

This is a bestseller called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents." In it, she lays out the consequences of raising children by people who are not psychologically ready for parenthood, and divided them into 4 conditional subspecies:Passive.

1. These are people who find it easier to stick their head in the sand than to solve a child's problems. They do not notice his problems, are not ready to cope with difficulties. They tend to hush up inconvenient facts and do everything so that the problem "resolves itself." 
2. The slaves. The general mass of workaholics and perfectionists, for whom there is nothing but their work or some (sometimes ephemeral) goals. 
3. Hyperemotional. The range of feelings of such a parent is very wide and mobile — the mood changes several times a day. It is difficult to communicate with him because of unpredictability, short temper. 
4. Impartial. For him, the child is like a toothache: it does not cause any warm feelings, but at the same time it does not work at all. 

Such different personality types, but what they have in common is that they are very similar to children. Literally a child's soul in the body of an adult. But sometimes this childishness may not be so obvious. Therefore, if the task is to identify an emotionally immature person, it is necessary to evaluate the totality of signs (3-4 of the following):inability to think constructively and keep feelings under control in a stressful situation;

• lack of empathy — such people cannot or do not know how to show empathy, pity, understanding and other complex emotions;
• egoism, egocentrism — the needs and feelings of these people always come first;
• thirst for attention — the desire to constantly be the center of attention, even at the cost of tantrums or deviant behavior;
• mood manipulation — if a parent wants to achieve something from a child, then he defiantly takes offense, does not talk to him all day;
• putting blame on others — an immature person is not able to take responsibility for his actions, while he is inclined to blame others for his own mistakes and problems. Often these "others" are children;
• inability to control their emotional outbursts — manifests itself in the form of inconsistency, aggressiveness, hyperbolization of shortcomings, irritability;
• the immunity of another (alternative) point of view — it is very difficult to prove something to such a person, there is his opinion and wrong;
• superficial attitude to close people — parents do not feel the need to build a warm, trusting relationship with their child. They are quite satisfied with formal communication.

Difficulties of adaptation: how does a child live with emotionally immature parentsAn emotionally immature person under the influence of certain psychological traumas or peculiarities of upbringing loses touch with his emotional nature.

He becomes insensitive, and sometimes downright cruel. He creates a family, a child appears. How does the baby live with such a parent?

The adaptive mechanism of the child's psyche is triggered at the moment when he realizes the pain points of an emotionally immature parent — triggers that trigger a chain of psychological reactions.

And the plus is that children quite quickly "figure out" how to be convenient for such moms or dads. They get used to sympathize, comfort and even indulge them. They are able to smooth out corners and find approaches. 

What happens next? Premature maturation. The child is forced to assume the role of an adult in the family, but at the same time remains very helpless and infantile in other aspects.

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Externalization and internalization of children's problems 

In the process of adapting to life with emotionally immature parents , children choose one of two options for interaction:

• externalization involves persistent calls for attention and help from adults;
• internalization means silent suffering in the event of a need.

Both approaches are considered an undesirable scenario of childhood, because they do not create the ground for the normal, harmonious development of the child's psyche.. As a result, he grows up and turns into the same emotionally immature and even psychologically traumatized person as his mom or dad.

Moreover, if a child follows the first path of adaptation (externalization), then he risks only partially repeating the fate of his parents.

And subject to a decrease in the density of their communication and the presence of other authoritative educators (significant adults) has a chance for a normal childhood and development. 

With the second option (internalization), the child, in addition to all the disadvantages of living in a family with psychologically immature relatives, will experience enormous difficulties in communication, socialization, building friendly and loving relationships. 

What should children of emotionally immature parents doSurely our advice will be read by adults who have already learned to coexist with their psychologically immature relatives.

However, over the years, the problems of relationships between generations do not disappear, but worsen. And immaturity is not compensated by age. Therefore, the information below will be relevant for everyone. 

So, what do you want to get from your parents, who cannot be called a model of psychological maturity, — understanding and support? Or an apology for a prematurely ended childhood? Unfortunately, it is difficult or even impossible to get all this. You need to set more specific tasks:

1. Imagine that you are a solo violin in this orchestra. Not a driven and intimidated child, but the one who sets the tone of communication. Seek answers to your questions, do not let your parents lead you to emotions. Do not succumb to manipulation, since an adult can already recognize and stop them.
2. Clearly formulate your goals: "I want my mom to be interested in my affairs" is blurry; "I want to call my mom once a week" is more specific and quite realistic. During a telephone conversation, you will have the opportunity to share your news, which means that the goal will be achieved. 
3. Talk to your parents heart to heart, but do not expect them to be disposed to revelations. Close communication is not possible with all people, and it does not occur at one moment. Your task is, on your part, to express those claims, resentments and pains that arose in childhood. 

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Your persistence will be perceived with hostility at first, but then the immature person will adapt to the new format of communication. After all, adaptation is exactly what "eternal children" are so good at doing. April 7, 2021 2022-11-27 2021-04-07 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?