How to help a child get rid of the excellent student syndrome

A person with excellent student syndrome always tries to meet the expectations of other people. His thoughts are concentrated around what others think about him, whether his actions approve of him. It is extremely painful to try to earn praise, to rethink every act from the perspective of another person.

In our article, we will take a detailed look at this problem in children and adults. And we will give advice on how to get rid of it. What is an excellent student complex?

Let's immediately draw a conditional boundary between the concepts of the excellent student syndrome and perfectionism.

Because many people confuse them. In a nutshell, a perfectionist is a person who strives for perfection for the sake of perfection itself. He doesn't care what others think about it. It is necessary to lay out T—shirts by color - it will lay out. It is necessary to leave the house at exactly 8:13, it will go out. Regardless of whether someone finds out about it, whether they will appreciate his efforts, whether they will praise… 

Signs of the excellent student syndromeThe excellent student's complex manifests itself in the form of incorrect prioritization.

It is not knowledge, skills, personal qualities and morality that come to the fore, but a positive assessment from the environment.

I eat right not to be healthy, but to be praised by my husband.

I went on an expensive vacation not because I want to relax in a cool country, but to show my friends how well I earn. 

I take English courses to make my mom proud. 

The excellent student's complex provokes a strong emotional reaction to the result, which did not meet expectations. That is, we also see an increased sensitivity to criticism. You can't say anything to such people except compliments. Otherwise, the author of criticism will turn into the worst enemy. 

There is no adequate attitude to failures — even a minor oversight can cause painful emotional experiences. And some major failure drives you into depression. 

Well, low self—esteem is a basic condition for the formation of the excellent student syndrome. A person who adequately evaluates himself cannot be painfully dependent on the opinions of other people. These are mutually exclusive concepts.Learn how to help your child form an adequate self-esteem and become self-confident - at Dmitry Karpachev's free online master class "What every parent should know". The debut of the syndrome

The syndrome of an excellent student is formed in childhood — closer to school age.

Probably that's why it was given such a name. 

For children from the age of 6-7, study becomes the main activity and, accordingly, self-realization. All successes, achievements and reasons for pride are somehow associated with school and other types of education (sports, clubs). 

The school system involves assessment, as well as approval from teachers. Accordingly, the external factor of evaluating the result of actions at school prevails: I got "excellent" — well done. However, not all children develop excellent student syndrome. Why?

According to research, there must be prerequisites for this — the characteristics of the child's character and even gender. As a rule, this syndrome is characteristic of girls. And in terms of personal qualities should be present:

• neatness;
• persistence;
• emotional attachment to parents;
• obedience.

The leading trend of the excellent student syndrome is orientation to a positive assessment from society, and not to the goal of actions. These people are "laudable maniacs." They are dependent on someone else's approval. Also read: Homeschooling — is it good or bad for a child?How is the excellent student syndrome formed in the family

We talked about the influence of the school above, but this is only one of the factors.

Family is the second, and probably even more significant. It is in the family that children are exposed to the destructive influence of inexperienced, and sometimes frankly bad parents. It is close people who give the first unsuccessful experience, which then causes a number of psychological problems. Exactly:

• Compensation for their own failures. Parents drill the child, because they themselves missed a lot in childhood or youth. Now they are trying to correct their mistakes at the expense of the little man.
• Excessive requirements. The carriers of the syndrome themselves make children like this. In education, the emphasis on "achievement" prevails — the pursuit of success even in the absence of moral and physical resources.
• Attention deficit. To compensate for the lack of time spent with the child, parents encourage him with excessive praise, gifts, indulgences. And he, in turn, measures parental love with "offerings". Such relationships in the family cannot be called psychologically healthy, not only in terms of the risk of developing the excellent student syndrome, but also in other senses. 
• Low self-esteem. With diligence and good studies, the child tries to compensate for his self-doubt and the abundance of complexes, psychological barriers. Parents are blind to the true problems of their child: he studies well, so everything is fine with him. 
• Love must be earned. This is one of the most serious mistakes that parents prevent from building close and trusting relationships with children. In a normal situation, parental love is unconditional. And the child should know this.
• Strict upbringing. Or rather, too much with punishments for mistakes / missteps / bad deeds. Not only that, a child who is afraid of making a mistake can eventually turn into a frightened and apathetic adult. So it will also be painful to react to criticism, because subconsciously always expects a parental "belt". 

Find out how not to harm a child and choose a method of education that suits him - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

The excellent student complex in adults

 

Strangely enough, but the syndrome, which is formed in childhood, begins to manifest itself in a negative way only in adulthood.

Indeed, what claims can there be to a diligent and obedient child who pleases mom and dad? 

But what we are so happy about, looking at children, causes irritation when evaluating the actions of an adult. Let's look at the examples:

✓ An employee with excellent student syndrome has a hard time perceiving the presence of smarter and more successful colleagues. His main goal is to earn a "candy" from his superiors. Do you like sycophants? Probably not. But these are typical carriers of the syndrome we are discussing.

✓ A young wife tries to be perfect in all areas — to keep up with everything, look beautiful, take care of her husband and child, and even not forget about part-time jobs and self-development. She craves admiration, praise from others. And if he doesn't get it, he gets genuinely upset. At the same time, she forgets that no one asked her to do all this.

✓ A mother or father with excellent student syndrome is a fear and horror for any child. A vivid illustration of such a life scenario is the families of teachers. It has long been proven that a good teacher and a good parent are not always compatible concepts. And more often the opposite. Because a person accustomed to external assessments will always prefer the tactic of "seeming" rather than "being".

Separately, I would like to note the difficulties of socialization of people with excellent student syndrome. They seem to be constantly competing with the environment. Do you have friends who are extremely important to show their superiority? For example:

— I bought such a delicious cake of the evening.

— Oh, we don't eat that. I baked a cake, that's a completely different thing!

***

— We will fly to Egypt by sea.

— Horror, it's so hot there. And here we are going to Berdyansk, an ideal place to relax.

It is uncomfortable to communicate with such people, because their desire to rise at least a little above the interlocutor is traced — at the expense of obvious or imaginary advantages. 

How to get rid of the excellent student syndromeWe have divided our tips into two blocks.

In the first — recommendations for parents: what to do if you have already made a number of mistakes and the child has developed an excellent student complex. They can also be regarded as tips for prevention. 

The second block is tips for adults with excellent student syndrome. Fighting it in adulthood is much more difficult, but nothing is impossible. Let's go!

Excellent student syndrome in children: 5 tips for parentsPraise should be measured and fair.

1. No need to sing odes to the baby for any scribbles. It's better to hold your emotions for a more meaningful achievement.
2. Praise not for grades, but for knowledge. Be prepared for the fact that you will go against the school system, in which evaluation is the main indicator of a child's knowledge. Remember: grades do not reflect either knowledge or intelligence. This is a purely subjective criterion, which sometimes means only what mood the teacher was in. You need to go to school not for grades, but for knowledge.
3. Do not associate school performance with personality assessment. A two-year-old can be a wonderful, kind, cheerful person. An excellent student is a mean bore. Do not put a stigma on your own child and do not teach him to evaluate his classmates on academic achievements.
4. Failure is an experience. And that's the only way. No self-flagellation, no derogatory comments and accusations. Mistakes help to develop in the same way as correctly completed tasks.
5. Reduce the importance of external approval for the child. Teach not to wait for praise, but to act according to internal motivation. 

Tips for adultsAdmit that you are addicted to the desire to please other people.

1. Literally fix every time your actions are caused by the excellent student syndrome. This will help you understand the scale of the "catastrophe". 
2. Do not attribute your thoughts and emotions to others. Don't live with the anxiety of "what will they think of me" or "what if they don't like me". Your main critic is yourself. Criticism from other people should always be secondary.
3. Admit that you are not perfect. And you can't be perfect even in one area, let alone in all spheres of life. 
4. Don't compare yourself to other people. Firstly, you cannot know the true state of things in their lives. After all, there is always a chance to encounter a carrier of the same syndrome. And they know how to show off. Secondly, you have your own unique life path and invaluable experience. Do not reduce its importance by focusing on the achievements of other people.
5. Your biggest fear is not to meet the expectations of others — it is easy to win. Just stop doing it. Decide on some uncharacteristic and even audacious act to dispel the myth of a "good girl" or "good boy", which you yourself have supported for many years. 

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Against the background of the excellent student syndrome, mental problems such as emotional instability, anxiety, depression develop. Get rid of this unpleasant problem soon, because it is far from harmless.  On April 23, 2021, 2022-11-27, 2021-04-23 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?

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