The child does not understand the word "impossible": advice to parents

Earlier we wrote about the Japanese traditional system of ikuji education, according to which a child up to 5 years old is god. He does not hear the words "no" and "no", he does what he wants. The technique is effective, but not quite applicable in Western society. 

For us, a child who does not understand the word "impossible" is akin to a tragedy. He seems spoiled and completely out of control. But only because most adults use prohibitions as the main educational measure.

In our article we will try to deal with the situation when children do not perceive prohibitions. Is it good or bad? Should parents be alarmed?

At what age should a child already understand the word "impossible"Let's start with an example: a 6-month-old baby is teething.

He wants to scratch his inflamed gums and grabs with his mouth what he can reach — his mother's breast. Is it necessary to prohibit this? The answer is unequivocal: yes. Despite the fact that biting the mother's body is caused by the poor health of the baby, it is worth establishing the rule of untouchability to another person at this age. 

Another example. A two-year-old toddler has got used to tearing up any paper that turns out to be at his fingertips. As a result, I tore up my dad's documents and almost started on my mom's passport. What to do? Here the answer is no less unambiguous: prohibit. 

That is, we come to the conclusion that prohibitions are needed almost from the first years of life. They serve as a guide for children: what you can do and what you can't do. What is safe and what is dangerous. By the age of 3, a child should understand the word "no" well and not be capricious in response to reasonable prohibitions.Learn how to say "no" to a child so that he himself fulfills the prohibitions without tantrums and protests - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". 

Conscious and unconscious ageIn the previous section, we mentioned 3 years for a reason — at this age, children experience their first crisis.

At its core is the separation of his personality from the personality of his mother. The first attempts to show independence. 

At the moment when the child already begins to understand the word "impossible" and can analyze the consequences of his actions, predict the reaction of parents, awareness appears.

Surely you have had cases when a crumb enthusiastically smeared porridge on the table and watched your reaction at that time. He was fully aware that he was doing something not quite right, but he wanted to check whether such games were really banned. Or when the child seems to understand that it is impossible, but pretends that he forgot or did not hear the ban. This is also a border check. 

If you pass this "exam" well, then the baby will eventually form a clear system of prohibitions and rewards. If you make mistakes (indulge, ignore), you will get chaos, from which all parties will suffer.

Incorrect prohibitionsThe abundance of prohibitions is the first mistake of parents who confused the concepts of "well—behaved child" and "comfortable child".

All childish pranks are immediately stopped, strict restrictions are put. And disobedience is fraught with severe punishment. Over time, such children either break down (begin to obey), or violently protest.

The second mistake is the lack of consistency of prohibitions among adults significant to the baby. Mom forbade it — Grandma allowed it. Dad forbade it — Mom allowed it. How can you teach a child the word "impossible" if adults cannot agree with each other? 

Another mistake is to forbid without explanation. For example, why can't you pull the cat's tail — it's so much fun! If you just say "you can't", then the child will most likely continue his experiments on the animal. And in order to achieve understanding, you need to patiently and in detail explain to the baby that the cat is painful and unpleasant.Also read: What to do if your parents interfere in the upbringing of your childrenHow is it right to forbid something to a child

To comprehend the zen of correct prohibitions, understand this thing: most of the pranks kids do not do out of spite, but because of natural curiosity.

They don't want to upset their parents or do something bad. They just get to know the world. 

Understanding the true motivation of children should become a filter of emotional reactions for you. Literally a guide to action: not to lose your temper, but to explain. Do not yell at the baby, but offer to investigate the issue more humanely and safely.

If you are faced with the fact that a sufficiently adult child (about 5 years old) does not understand the word "impossible", then there is a systematic work to be done, which consists of several stages:Reveal the essence of the ban.

1. Why people can't do what they want. Or they do, but only in certain situations. For example, it is absolutely impossible to break flowers in a flower bed, but it is possible to collect a bouquet in a clearing. 
2. Explain the reason for your "no". If, after detailed explanations, the child continues to do what is forbidden, connect other arguments or other adults.
3. For every "can't" there should be 10 "can". Only such a balance will allow the child to develop in harmony and freedom of expression. 
4. Offer an alternative. Any prohibited action must have a safe or permitted alternative. You can't pour water on the floor, but you can play with water in the bathroom.
5. Be consistent. If you forbid something, but then give up after persuasion, whining and requests, your parental authority will melt before your eyes. No means no.
6. Act as a united front. Agree with your husband, grandmother, older children: if a taboo is imposed on some action, then all family members should adhere to it. No secret collusion with the child and requests not to tell mom. Sooner or later he will tell you anyway, which will eventually lead to a conflict.
7. Do not punish for violating the ban. At least for the first time. Limit yourself to a warning. Send the child to think a second time (timeout). The third time — apply adequate sanctions (choose for yourself — deprive of sweets, watching cartoons). No aggression, shouting or, worst of all, physical punishment.

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The words "no" and "no" are powerful educational tools. As they say in the book "French children do not spit food" (P. Druckerman), "without prohibitions, children would be lost in the sea of their desires." It is very important to teach the child to understand the word "impossible", but it should be done as gently as possible, calmly and without pressure. January 19, 2021 2022-11-26 2021-01-19 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?