How to become a friend to your own child

Friendship between parents and children corresponds to the paradigm of liberal education. It means close, trusting relationships, mutual respect, help and support. If you have set a goal to become a friend to your child, do it correctly, because this format has both absolute advantages and some disadvantages. Read the article and learn how to become a child's friend while remaining their parent.

Parents ' opinion: friendship with a child is beautiful

Remembering ourselves as a child, we try to avoid the mistakes that our parents made. And it's not necessarily about childhood traumas and global family problems. These may even be small things that are firmly stuck in the memory, and we do not want them to be repeated in the lives of our children.

For example, if parents did not take into account the opinion of the child and bought him clothes/shoes at their own discretion, then in adult life they will try to ensure that their children do not feel annoyed by things that they do not like.

It is also worth considering the living conditions during our childhood. Most parents were forced to work hard to provide the family with everything they needed. And there was not much time left for participation in the children's lives, for joint entertainment and confidential conversations. Now the situation has changed in many ways, and we, modern parents, try to pay more attention to our children, spend leisure time with them, make it diverse and interesting.

We believe that friendship with a child is the key to raising a full — fledged and healthy person who grows up in an atmosphere of love, mutual respect and equality.

Psychologist's opinion: you don't need to be friends with your children

Probably, this position may surprise someone. But let's look at the essence of friendship. This is a horizontal relationship where I am equal to a friend and a friend is equal to me. But a father must be more than a friend. Friends should not protect, provide for, or take care of the child. They may not always be able to properly understand the situation and provide assistance. They do not feel full responsibility for the Life, Health, Development and upbringing of a person. All these are the responsibilities of parents.

Relations with them should be built vertically. Because from experience, an adult can do incomparably more for a child. You can rely on them in a difficult situation, they know and are able to solve problems that inevitably arise in the process of growing up a child. In such a relationship, the question of how to become a friend to your child is not entirely appropriate.

It turns out that the relationship "child + parents" is much deeper than "child + friend". But that doesn't mean one can't contain the other. We can be friendly with children in some sense, but from the point of view of understanding the true meaning of this format of relationships.

What is friendship? What is its basis? You will get the easiest and fastest answer by analyzing your relationships with your friends.

✓ Who do you trust?

✓ Who do you tell about your problems and listen to advice?

✓ Who are you afraid to offend and want to please?

You probably have at least one such person in your environment. If you have such feelings for him, then just look at what they are based on. Remember how this loved one treats you? How did she earn your trust and sincere friendship?

Probably, she supported you in a difficult situation, did not criticize, listened, advised, and provided all possible help. She's always there when you need her. It is interesting to communicate with her, spend time with her, and so on.

You can do the same for your child. Do to her what your closest friend does to you. And then your relationship will reach a new level — much higher than just friendship, because they will be based not only on friendly feelings, but also on Love, responsibility, spiritual and social closeness of relatives.

Education in the spirit of mutual respect

Respect is at the heart of friendships. We don't think about whether we should respect our friends. This option is standard. We choose our words in communication, restrain our reactions, and ask for a friend's opinion. It is important for us that our friend does not think badly of us.

As for children, as a rule, the opposite is true. Many parents believe that a child is a disenfranchised creature, he must obey, his opinion does not decide anything, you can shout at him, and sometimes even hit him on the ass if he is guilty. You can pay attention to its shortcomings and dismiss children's problems that seem insignificant. How long does friendship between adults last with such an attitude to each other? A few days.

Therefore, mutual respect should be a priority for you in raising your child. This does not mean that now you will engage in connivance and turn a blind eye to his guilt. You only need to change your reaction.

Consider an example: a child broke a vase. Your first reaction is to yell at her, call her a clumsy person, and send her to a corner. But try to imagine if the vase was broken by your close friend. What would you do? You'd probably be a little upset, but you knew he didn't do it on purpose. And, most likely, they would give up and say "fortunately", right?

Do the same for your child. With the difference that she needs to explain what happened and talk about her feelings. If an adult friend through life experience already understands that his mistake upset you, then children need to patiently explain the consequences of what happened.

Something like this: I'm very upset that my favorite vase is broken. But I understand that you didn't do it on purpose, so I don't take offense at you. Please be careful next time, don't run down the hall so fast."

The ability to control your emotions and express your feelings in a simple, understandable and harmless way for the child corresponds to the principles of emotional education. This system is based on the early development of emotional intelligence — the ability to read other people's emotions, intentions, and motivations. Its features are well described in the book" The Test of the child " (J. R. R. Tolkien). Gottman and J. R. R. Tolkien Schwartz-Gottman):

"Емо emotional education does not mean a lack of discipline. In fact, when you are emotionally close to your children, you invest more in them and therefore can have a greater impact on them. Your position allows you to be strict."

The point is that taking into account and respecting the emotions of your child does not mean letting his antics and outright sabotage. You may be a strict, demanding parent, but the child needs to understand your motivation and know that this is just a reaction to guilt, not your attitude towards him.

The concept of Education akin to mutual respect was described by the famous Polish teacher Janusz Korczak:

"A child is an independent, separate person. This is not a future person, as is usually considered an adult. The child lives a full life at any stage of his growing up, so he should be treated as an equal."

If you want your children to be afraid of upsetting you, try not to upset them yourself. If you want them to care about your opinion, ask for their opinion first. If you count on trust, show it yourself.

Checklist for parents

Close, trusting, respectful relations between parents and children are a movement towards each other. You take a step — the child takes a step back. And the more such steps you take over the course of your life, the shorter the distance between you will be.

To help parents-a checklist to check whether your attitude towards the child corresponds to the principles of education in the spirit of mutual respect.

Test yourself for each item:

1. We spend a lot of time with the child. We do something around the house, do creative work, go for a walk, have fun. I am not bothered by these classes, I approach them with enthusiasm and interest.
2. I support my child in a difficult situation. I never read it in the presence of strangers, I do not allow other people/children to offend.
3. With any problem, my child can contact me. And I will do anything to help her.
4. I like to praise and encourage my child even for small achievements. I'm proud of her.
5. I never impose help. I suggest, but I don't insist on my intervention in the situation.
6. I respect the wishes and opinions of my child, do not force him to obey His will. And if her choice is undesirable in some way, I patiently and in detail explain why this should not be done.
7. I control myself even in difficult circumstances. I restrain myself, do not shout, Do not use physical punishment, because my arguments and methods of persuasion are more effective.

*****

The biblical truth says,"Do to others what you want them to do to you." Do you want a friendly, trusting and close relationship with your children? Start with yourself first. Be an initiator and set a good example, and the children will definitely give you the same answer.