How to stop criticizing a child: 5 tips

Parents often harshly criticize the child, while justifying themselves by saying that from the mouth of a loved one, any remarks sound affectionate. Some children calmly react to this, while others completely lose the desire for initiative. Where is the golden mean between adequate assessments and destructive judgments? We will tell you how to criticize children so as not to violate their self-esteem, to grow a healthy personality.Criticism of the child: where is the edge

Everyone makes mistakes, children are no exception — this is how they get to know the outside world.

The most important thing is to teach the baby to recognize them, analyze and correct them. 

Excessive criticism from parents can lead to negative consequences. A child can grow up as a pathological perfectionist, as well as infantile and uninitiative.

The purpose of criticism is to change the behavior of children in a certain situation, to help them become the best version of themselves.

When you criticize a child, he should understand that the comments relate to his behavior, actions, and not personality. 

What should I do? Pay attention to progress, not mistakes. For example, your child has never hit a single note before, and now performs the simplest piece — he deserves praise, and then correct comments. And even if the result is far from excellent, but for him it is a huge leap forward. 

If there are problems in communication between an adult and a child, we advise you to watch the video: "Why can't our children hear us?".Negative consequences of parental criticism

If you like to make comments often, then you should take into account that excessively critical communication with children can have a strong impact on their development.

For example, your criticism can turn into anxiety and depression of a child at an early age. 

Some studies have proved this. So, Professor Jeffrey J. Wood from the University of California at Los Angeles in 2003 conducted a study that showed a close relationship between maternal overprotection and manifestations of childhood anxiety. 

And researchers from Binghamton University in New York came to the conclusion that children whose parents were overly critical react worse to other people's emotions: both negative and positive. For example, they avoid eye contact, and this can affect relationships with other people, lead to depression and anxiety. 

In 2017, scientists at Northwestern University of Illinois in their study proved that the psycho-emotional conditions in which a child grows up significantly affect the development of children.

Thus, whether you want it or not, children cannot distinguish among the abundance of criticism the good intention that you put into your words. They take everything literally. 

Moreover, children react differently to sharp criticism: someone closes himself in and does not want to take the initiative, someone becomes a pathological perfectionist, wanting to please their parents, and someone remains infantile and is afraid of judging others, even after growing up. 

It is not uncommon for authoritarian parents to complain that their grown-up child sits only at the computer, does not get carried away with anything, cannot defend his opinion. What is there to be surprised at if the adults themselves showed him that words are not taken into account, hobbies are wrong, and mom and dad know everything better themselves.

Therefore, think about whether it is so important to point out the shortcomings to the child?

How to stop unnecessarily criticizing a childParents who constantly criticize a child do not always have a goal to humiliate, offend or upset him.

But why do they "find fault"? There are two reasons:

1. They want to tell you how to do the right thing in a given situation.
2. They are afraid of a decrease in parental authority when the child does not obey.

At the heart of children's behavior is an unconditional reflex to cognition, development and independence. Some manifestations of these qualities may offend, anger or upset you. 

But you, as an adult, are able to think soberly, not to let the emotions caused by childish behavior get the better of you. Use several rules:

• Don't overreact.
• Do not demand adult behavior from the child.
• Get rid of value judgments.

If you notice that you are "overreacting", you want to stop criticizing the child, then the tips below will help you.

And if you need answers to questions about child aggression, then we advise you to read the material: "Why the child beats himself."How to criticize children

Criticism is not the most pleasant part of a relationship, but it also has positive aspects.

If a child is criticized, he learns independence, if a child is constantly criticized, he learns condemnation. Thanks to constructive comments, children themselves analyze and correct their mistakes, as a result of which they grow. In order to always maintain a balance between adequate remarks and moralizing, follow our advice.

Invite the child to evaluate the result himselfAsk if he is happy with how he did his homework, cleaned the room?

Is there anything that can be improved or done differently? In this way, you will help your child develop self-assessment skills. 

The same applies to behavior: ask why he behaves this way? Help to recognize your feelings. Perhaps the child needs the help of an adult in school or household matters, but for some reason he cannot voice it.

Criticize the offense, not the personFailure is just a stage, not a result.

Therefore, avoid the words "always", "never", "usually", generalizations, as well as phrases: "I told you this would happen", "it was necessary to do this ...". 

If the child is too upset, show that you support him: "I see how much you are upset. I want to help you. Let's think together." Error analysis allows you to adequately assess all the factors that led to failure, correct the final result.

Add specificsStart with the positives.

Then show me what the flaw is. Highlight what turned out right, praise without exaggeration. Not satisfied with the result — praise the desire, but do not use the trivial "well done". Parents use this word so often that it has lost any meaning.

Criticize in timeThe effect of criticism will be stronger the faster it occurs from the moment of error or bad behavior.

Remembering situations that happened last week or a month ago is no longer relevant, they have long been learned. Otherwise, your reminder of failures is a reason for new resentments and conflicts. Any offense is subject to immediate discussion, after which it is not worth returning to this topic.

Suggest an alternativeThe golden rule: when criticizing, offer an alternative.

Your task, based on personal experience, is to suggest how mistakes or behavior can be corrected. Remember that there are no situations with only one correct solution. One way will suit someone, another way will suit someone. At the same time, give the child the opportunity to correct his mistakes himself, support his choice.

Now you know why it is impossible to criticize children all the time, what such teachings are fraught with. Remember that the consequences of such behavior of parents may be distant, but unpleasant for the child. Criticizing without measure, you risk raising either an infantile or a perfectionist. 

Reasonable criticism, when it is appropriate and constructive, helps to develop, does not destroy the close relationship between adults and children.

If you doubt the chosen methods of education, then we advise you to attend a free online master class for conscious parents: "Complete instructions for raising children up to 11 years old."The images are taken from the sources: shutterstock.com .