How to properly raise children in a large family

How to properly raise children in a large family - Psychology, Upbringing, Father

There are 350 thousand large families in Ukraine. Every year this figure is growing by 5-15 thousand. And this is against the background of a rapid decline in the birth rate since 2014. This means that it is harder for people to decide on the first or second child than on the third or fourth. Having many children is a trend of modernity. 

In our article we will try to figure out how to live in a family where there are three or more children? What problems do parents face? Are there any peculiarities of raising children in a large family?Psychological characteristics of children from large families

Let's immediately define what a large family is: how many children should there be in order to be considered as such?

Families with many children are called families where there are three or more children. Both native children and adopted ones are taken into account.

At the same time, we cannot compare the lifestyles of a family with 3 children and a family with 10 children. After all, the more children there are, the more difficult it is for parents to keep order and find time for each of them. Therefore, the focus of our article is on large families with an average number of children (from 3 to 6). 

Life in a teamThe relationship of sisters and brothers in large families can have both positive and negative features.

And the tone is set, of course, by parents. How comfortable the children will be depends on their psychological maturity and responsible attitude to education. 

It is impossible to give a child a happy childhood, harmonious and comprehensive development without moral and material resources. Therefore, having many children is, first of all, a story about life choices. 

What distinguishes a large family from an ordinary one: clear rules of coexistence;

  • hierarchy between children and established authority (not to be confused with authoritarianism) of parents;
  • rational distribution of any resource (material, moral, temporary);
  • daily practice of compromise.

Children in such families from the first years of life become little diplomats. They understand that there will be no momentary satisfaction of their desires and whims. Even the needs are closed on a first-come, first-served basis. This is excellent discipline, but also carries some risks. Adults will have to constantly work to ensure that children in such a family feel part of something big and cool.Do you want to learn how to raise a child so that he does not feel deprived? Then register - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know". Advantages of large families

a family with three children

If no one had ever thought of the question of how many children to give birth to before, today even a family with three children is an occasion to raise an eyebrow and admire the courage of parents.

Nevertheless, people find advantages in having many children: 

Let's start with the most unobvious: pregnancy reduces the risk of cancer. One of the official preventive measures for breast cancer is the birth of a child. This statement is also true for other types of malignant formations in the female body. After pregnancy, ovarian cysts, benign tumors, fibroadenomas, etc. disappeared. 

✓ Education in children of such qualities as responsibility, caring, mutual assistance. Teenagers learn to help younger brothers and sisters, and those, thanks to life in a large family, socialize faster, grow sociable and independent. 

✓ The school of life that children go through in large families. They do not shy away from physical work, they know how to look after themselves, they know the price of domestic labor. Banal cooking food for a large family is a daily feat that they perform together. As a result, both boys and girls receive valuable skills for adult independent life. 

✓ Members of a large family do not suffer from loneliness — the house is always noisy, fun, crowded. There is someone to talk to, share your problems. And if children do not manage to find friends in society, then there is always an opportunity to build friendly and harmonious relationships in the family. It helps a lot.

✓ Friendship and mutual assistance is not an empty phrase. As well as compassion and responsiveness. Seeing how sometimes it is not easy for parents, older children are happy to join the care of younger ones. It is only important to keep this under control and not make situational assistance a permanent duty.

✓ Statistically, large families are stronger. And there are objective reasons for this: every day the mother and father have to solve a variety of problems related to the life of the family, as well as make decisions. It unites, makes you feel a sense of belonging to a certain mission — to raise decent people. They are also united by common hobbies, the opportunity to spend interesting free time, family traditions.

✓ High psychological stability, developed adaptive mechanisms. Children from large families easily endure temporary difficulties and hardships, are not inclined to be capricious in small things. They are able to predict the mood of parents and siblings, choose the right moment for communication or requests for help. 

These advantages cannot be applied to any large family, because there are many examples of dysfunctional and irresponsible people who simply cannot or do not want to control the process of childbirth. And sometimes they give birth for the sake of social benefits. We are talking exclusively about normal families, where having many children is a conscious choice and lifestyle.

Also read: The child is jealous of mom: what to do and how to reactProblems of parents with many children 

 harmonious relations in the family

What are the difficulties of a large family:

The first thing that comes to mind is the lack of attention of parents to each child.

  1. But to chat with mom or dad about something intimate, to share how the day went, just to lie down and cuddle is a natural need of any child. If there are up to 4 children in the family, then it is still possible to observe at least the evening ritual of laying, and if more? Then this process risks dragging on for hours. In addition, several children often live in the same room, and then there is no question of any personal communication with their parents.The lack of communication also affects the educational function: parents simply do not know what each of their children lives and "breathes". They are not aware of his problems and grievances, which means they cannot help.
  2. Children's personal boundaries suffer. They get used to living in a commune, and even consider it the norm not to have their own space, personal and untouchable things. How many children in a large family have separate rooms? And how many of them carry things for older children? And it's not about the material possibilities of parents, but about the fact that the child grows up with the realization that everything around is common, in fact nobody's. And he is very surprised that completely different rules apply in society (in kindergarten, school).
  3. The disadvantages of having many children include financial difficulties. A mother with many children cannot go to work, because taking care of children and the house requires titanic efforts every day. A man becomes a hostage of obligations. He does not have the freedom of choice and the ability to make difficult but necessary decisions. Everything happens with an eye to the fact that the needs of a large family should be closed on time.
  4. Sometimes parents can be visited by a feeling of being cornered: daily routine, constant planning and control, lack of time for themselves… It's very difficult. And it is not always compensated by the joy of realizing that you have a big and friendly family. Therefore, sensitively monitoring their own psychological state is another duty of parents with many children, which cannot be ignored. 

Is it possible to love all children equallyThis is a difficult question, because it is considered that children should be given an equal amount of parental love.

Moreover, many people say out loud that they love their children equally, but in fact there is an imbalance. And it is obvious to all family members.

Why some children are loved more and others less:in her youth, mom may not be so experienced and organized, so older children are not easy.

  • And the younger ones have more energy and time, so they get more attention, love and care;
  • for some peoples, the birth of a son is considered a great joy, because in the future it involves protecting and helping the family. Therefore, boys can be loved more than girls;
  • single mothers pay more attention to their sons, as they feel guilty for not being able to give them an extremely necessary male upbringing;
  • it is believed that they love more than someone who is similar in appearance or in character, habits. For example, a daughter looks like a dad, so she is his favorite;
  • small children can't take care of themselves, so a lot of time is spent on them. Accordingly, they receive more words of love, maternal affection, and fatherly warmth. Older children do not need their parents so much, so they are content with the crumbs of their attention. 

In order not to increase competition between children, it is necessary to distribute parental time so that there is enough for everyone. The principle of sufficiency applies here. For example, a baby needs a mother much more than a teenager. Which means she spends more time with him. 

But other children should get as much time as they need. If there are overlaps (mom is needed both there and there), dad, grandma or the wonders of diplomacy come to the rescue. It is the education of compromise that helps to solve most conflicts in a large family.

Learn how to be the best parent for your child - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

Tips for parents with many children


There is not and cannot be a universal formula for the proper upbringing of children in a large family.

Because everything is very individual and subject to different circumstances. But if we are talking about the main parental mission — to raise happy children, then only 5 conditions are needed for its implementation. Let's consider each of them.

  1. The presence of authority. In a large family, as in any team, there must be a leader. He manages the processes and monitors the general atmosphere. Such an authority can be one of the parents or both, as well as older children.
  2. Private and shared areas. Harmony and order will reign in the house if each of the children has his own personal space, which he must monitor. And clean up the common territory together. But it's not just about cleaning.It is easier to build psychological boundaries when you can give an example of a really demarcated territory: here are my thoughts and feelings, and there are yours. You cannot cross the conditional line. Understanding the principle of untouchability of borders will help prevent most conflicts between children. 
  3. Distribution of parental attention. Children need to be given as much attention as they need. There must be an opportunity to spend time alone with each child. 
  4. Community of interests. The bigger the family, the more common hobbies and hobbies. During joint activities, mutual understanding is achieved, relationships are established, minor grievances are forgiven and forgotten. 
  5. Household duties for all family members. They need to be distributed depending on age and abilities. And if we are talking about raising children in the spirit of democracy, then it is worth considering preferences. But it is worth introducing everyone to domestic work without exception.


The image of a large family in the minds of our contemporaries cannot be called rosy. And there are objective reasons for this. But still, with the right organization in such a family, both children and adults have every chance to live happily, fully and joyfully. May 24, 2021, 2022-11-27, 2021-05-24 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?

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