A capricious child: how to cope with it

It's hard to find a mom or dad who would like children's whims. Adults are no less irritated by the tantrums and whining of other people's children. It would seem that you put so much effort and nerves into raising a child, but still you can't avoid whims. How to react to the next "I want" or "I don't want"? Scold, punish, ignore? Let's figure it out.

"Don't understand me, let me be naughty"

This phrase of the Russian writer Rinat Valiullin reflects the essence of children's whims. Sometimes they do not have a specific purpose, the process itself is important to the child. However, it is still worth learning to distinguish between whims for the sake of whims and reasonable actions. It is about them that we will talk in more detail.

With the help of whims, the child demands what he wants. He does not yet have perfect verbal methods of expressing his needs, so he chooses the simplest and most effective way to attract the attention of parents — to be naughty.

Read also: How to help a child survive a parent's divorce: psychologist's advice

The kid wants candy, but he hasn't had lunch and it's not worth eating sweets yet. Mom has already explained this to him several times, but he does not want to obey in any way. At some point, the child realizes that all his efforts are in vain, the cherished sweetness is inaccessible to him and starts crying. The confused mother turns on the "bad cop" and punishes her son/daughter. Because other methods simply do not work. Is the situation familiar?

What does the child feel at this time:

• Self-pity: I'm good, and mom doesn't give me candy;
• offense: why don't they give me candy, I want it so much;
• Desire for revenge: I will cry even harder to show how much I am upset;
• sadness: I am not loved at all;
• fear: will they never give me sweets, and if I ask, they will punish me;
• confusion: what should I do to be given candy and not punished at the same time;
• panic: why am I being punished, what should I do now.

This pile of emotions is an unbearable burden for the baby's psyche. He has to go through this every time his desires go against the position of his parents. At the same time, it is necessary to be aware that both sides suffer during the whims — both the "hero of the occasion" himself and adults. And who likes to suffer? Sooner or later, parents turn to the "dark side" and begin to harshly suppress such behavior.

And what's next?

Regular pressure on a child can turn him into a clamped, complex personality with a fear of expressing himself and expressing his desires.

Then, in adulthood, it is fraught with problems with the opposite sex, at work, with their children. A child who doubts the love of his parents because of strict punishments will carry through his whole life the fear of loneliness and the fear of being rejected because of his desires.

Of course, in many ways these words are exaggerated. Not all parental punishments will lead to psychotrauma and problems in the future. But still, if you got a capricious child, try to learn both: the baby — to control his emotions, the parents — to react to them correctly.

10 reasons why the baby is naughty

Attracting attention is the goal of most whims.

But what is their root cause? Why is it so necessary for a child to get the attention of parents?

Psychologists identify 4 reasons:

1. The crisis of 3, 5, 7 years. In fact, these figures are conditional, they are united by one common concept — the age crisis. After reaching a certain age, the child acquires new skills/ traits and tries to learn how to coexist with them. For example, the crisis of three years manifests itself in separation from mom. The baby is already an adult, he can do everything by himself, he does not need a mother. And if mom does not take a step back in time, she is provided with whims and tantrums.
2. Immaturity in psychoemotional terms. The child is just learning to express his emotions: first to his parents, then to other children, then in the garden, school, society. At each stage there are difficulties, and the task of relatives will soften the period of maturation of the baby's psyche.
3. The desire to develop. An inquisitive kid wants to have time everywhere, see everything and not miss anything. But parents do not always approve of these initiatives. In truth, they can really be dangerous, but too much with restrictions is fraught with whims, disobedience, the desire of the child to do out of spite.
4. Overwork. It can be expressed both physically and emotionally. High loads at school or during extracurricular activities, sports, active walks are all good as long as the child can withstand such a rhythm without problems. Overloads are fraught with the appearance of apathy and unwillingness to do anything. But they can be expressed in the form of aggression, hysteria, whims for any reason.
5. Negative emotional background. Parents often downplay the importance of the atmosphere in the family for the full development of the child. However , psychologists say: this dependence exists, and is quite pronounced. It is impossible to live and develop normally in a negative emotional environment.
6. Jealousy. It can be provoked by various factors — it all depends on the age of the baby and the situation as a whole. The most common cause of jealousy is the appearance of a new family member and, as a result, the struggle for the attention / love of parents. If the baby feels that he is losing to his younger brother or sister, whims cannot be avoided.
7. A test of strength. Groping the boundaries of what is permissible when communicating with adults is an obligatory stage of growing up of a child. He periodically tries to expand the territory of his capabilities by whims. But not because of harmfulness, but to test you: how much you will allow him.
8. Overprotection. Excessive guardianship of a child will not end well either for himself or for relations with relatives. Sooner or later, he will get tired of close monitoring and the constant presence of adults in all his affairs. And then a riot is inevitable.
9. Fear of change. Have you noticed that after a vacation trip, the child becomes uncontrollable for a while? Or after moving to another city/ district, does he show disobedience, capricious, crying with a vengeance? Significant changes do not pass without a trace for the fragile child's psyche. Therefore, it is worth preparing the child well for these events, as well as telling in detail how everything will happen and how long it will last.
10. Refusal of the request. This is the most common cause of children's whims. Especially if before that the baby was not particularly denied anything. If one of the parents decides to contradict a spoiled son or daughter, he will receive a powerful rebuff and unwillingness to fulfill the request.

How can parents cope with children's whims

If you find something suitable for your situation in the list of 10 reasons for the child's whims, exhale. This means that you have easily identified the nature of this behavior of the baby and will be able to take action.

Control yourself, not the child

If you can't cope with the emotions of a naughty baby, try to at least keep your reactions under control. The easiest way is to shout at the child, send him to a corner or deprive him of sweets. But try a different approach — take a deep breath, think about what caused the whims and defuse the situation. Distract the caprice, bring it to a conversation, let it express its resentment / desire not with crying, but with words.

With a huge probability, you will be able to reach the child and stop the whims.

As soon as he sees that you have paid attention to his problem, there will be no need to whine.

Suggest an activity

You see that the baby is annoyed, whining, constantly demanding something - take him. If not a quiet game, watching a cartoon, then, for example, swimming. This is a proven fact: children love water treatments and quickly calm down while taking a bath. They get distracted, relax — that's what you need to stop the whims.

Older children can be offered to take a shower. It also miraculously helps to relieve tension and pacify negative emotions.

Stick to the schedule of the day

Elena Korneeva in her book "Children's whims. What is it and how to deal with it," writes: "Stability in everything is useful for easily excitable children: in the procedure of going to bed, during going for a walk, on the walk itself, when bathing, feeding and in other situations. If possible, let one person do all this. It is better to walk somewhere in a quiet courtyard or along the same route. It is not necessary to fill up the child with new toys or overly diversify his menu. Novelty and saturation of impressions are contraindicated for such babies. Failure to comply with these simple rules leads to an aggravation of the situation, an increase in signs of nervousness, and the transformation of the baby into an obnoxious child."

Express your feelings

The hugs of parents and pleasant words will help the baby cope with the desire to be naughty. Tell me how much you love and cherish him, how upset you are by his whims. A sincere conversation will not only switch the baby's attention, but also help to establish trusting communication — an effective means to solve most problems of relationships with adults.

The whims of children at any age are an integral companion of their growing up. This is one of the ways to express your rejection of certain phenomena, and nothing, in fact, can be done with them.

You can only reduce the frequency of whims and muffle emotions with a "-" sign. We hope our tips will help you in this.