Hysteria in a child: what parents should do

As the American writer Chuck Palahniuk said, "tantrums are effective only when someone is watching them." What role do you choose for yourself — to be a spectator, to participate in a play, or to close this theater altogether? In fact, not everything is so clear: the nature of children's tantrums can be different. And parents need to act in different ways, too. Let's try to figure out what to do when a child has a tantrum.Manipulations, emotional outbursts and other types of tantrums

Wanting to achieve something from the parents, the child does not lose his ration even during a tantrum: he clearly understands why he is screaming and crying. This is a kind of moral terror, the essence of which is manipulation in the name of one's goals. Even if the child looked very upset, as soon as he achieves what he wants, he immediately returns to normal and calmly plays on.

What should parents do if a child has a manipulative tantrum? At least not to enter into negotiations with "terrorists", that is, not to succumb to the manipulation of a child. Clear rules of the game and boundaries will help in this: "we will eat now and only then we will go outside" instead of "well, we won't eat, let's go for a walk."

Read also: What a child needs to know by the 1st grade: list of requirementsIf the baby realizes that with the help of crying he can achieve a lot, tantrums will happen every day, or even more often.

So just say that you understand his wishes, but you can't fulfill them. And if the hysteria with the demands does not stop, punishment will follow. In response to these words, the child continues to be hysterical about anything? Fulfill the promise — punish in an acceptable way.

It is much more difficult with tantrums that arise as a result of an emotional outburst — when a child cries not of his own free will, but simply gives way to accumulated emotions. There is no manipulation in such a tantrum, the baby does not want anything from you, he is really very upset or scared. 

What should I do if the child becomes hysterical for objective reasons? The task of parents is to identify the source of danger / distress and eliminate it. Hug the baby, try to calm down, talk, distract. Just stay close and make it clear that Mom and dad are ready to help. When the passions subside, ask what caused such a reaction, and think about how to prevent this from happening in the future.

Each tantrum has its own approach

There is another classification of tantrums — situational — when they consider the dependence of reactions on the place where they occurred: in the store, on a walk, in kindergarten, etc. This also leads to recommendations for parents with a child's tantrum — what to do:

• take the raging child away from the store or other place where there was a tantrum — a change of scenery will switch his attention;

• demonstrate indifference, even if waves of indignation are raging inside you;

• tell the child his feelings — let him understand that you understand him;

• include the baby in a joint struggle with emotions — so he will learn self-control;

• instead of "no" say "yes" but in such a way as to maintain the status quo ("yes, I'll buy you ice cream, but we'll eat it at home after lunch");

• offer an alternative — let him choose what to replace the desired;

• switch the child's attention to an interesting activity;

• ask him for help — the baby will be slightly discouraged and, most likely, will stop crying;

• give the child the opportunity to come out of the conflict with dignity (hug you, ask for forgiveness), do not reject repentance.

I want to run — run

In his bestselling book "Intuitive Parenting. The best book for parents" Sylvester Trevor describes the theory that all living beings are in two biological states — protection and growth. Each of these states stimulates the interpretation of external events: what is it? is it dangerous? Do I need to defend myself and run, or is everything okay, can I stay put?

Research in the field of neuroimaging has shown that with an emotional outburst of one person, the second, who is nearby, is activated in tandem.

That is, during a child's tantrum, both actors — the child and the parent — are in a state of protection. Only the interpretations of each of them have their own: the baby feels hurt, despair, anger, and the adult — annoyance, disappointment, shame.

At these moments, both of you are actively defending yourself, only from different "enemies". The child is from the cause of his hysteria (did not buy a toy, something does not work), and you, paradoxically, from the child.

Both have elevated doses of hormones — cortisol, adrenaline - thrown into the bloodstream. Both have slightly elevated blood pressure and body temperature. At this time, the mechanism that has been formed in humans for thousands of years is activated — to escape from danger.

Understanding these mechanisms will help you intuitively find the answer to the question of how to stop a child's tantrum.

Age crises and tantrumsThe causes of children's tantrums also depend on age.

Almost every year of the baby's life is marked by another regulatory crisis. 

BabiesIn the period from six months to a year, the main reason for tantrums is the lactation crisis in the mother.

Of course, if she practices breastfeeding. Milk becomes less, and the need for food in the crumbs, on the contrary, increases. 

By the year, many mothers reduce the number of feedings per day, which can end in a violent protest on the part of the baby. This is the most obvious reason why a child at 1 year old suddenly started to get hysterical and cry often. 

Consult with a pediatrician on how to compensate for the fading lactation function. Surely you will be given recommendations for expanding the child's menu. Do not ignore them, because the nutrients in your milk are no longer enough to cover the needs of an actively growing organism. 

How to stop a tantrum in an infant? Hug, calm down, explain that there is not so much milk in your breast anymore. But now you will go to eat the most delicious porridge in the world. And then — a strawberry or a banana. The appearance of a treat on the table will distract the baby, and he will stop crying. 

Two - year - oldsIn the period from 1 to 2 years, the child has already mastered a lot of skills: walks well and even runs, plays with different toys, shows interest in cartoons.

He wants to try everything and everywhere — rattle pots in the kitchen, catch a cat, get to a beautiful vase on the table. 

If you forbid a child at the age of 2 to explore the surrounding space, you will face tantrums for any reason. Therefore, satisfy his interest: give him something that you can turn in your hands, and put away dangerous objects. 

Three - year - oldsNot the first, but quite a serious crisis in the life of a baby comes at the age of 3.

This is a period of separation from the mother and glib statements: "I am myself!". Outbursts of anger, self-will and negativity become commonplace in your home: so the kid declares his rights to independence. 

If a child has tantrums at the age of 3 for any reason, do not rush to take him to specialists. It will pass soon. The crisis period lasts for several months — until the moment when an understanding of their capabilities is formed. 

Four - year - olds and five - year - oldsIt would seem that the storm has passed.

The crisis of three years is over, which means that there is a lull ahead. This is true, psychologists do not mark this age gap as a crisis. But why does a 4-year-old child throw tantrums for any reason?

The fact is that starting from the age of 4, a period of active socialization of children begins. And this is fraught with many difficulties — the first attempts to get used to the team, the first experience of conflicts, etc. The child tries new roles for himself and not always successfully. 

A year later, when the problem of socialization is over, new difficulties arise. They are associated with the development of the cerebral cortex. The child becomes more sensitive and emotional, feels the need to express his point of view and wants to be heard. 

If the parents continue to consider him a little silly, then they come across a protest. It can be expressed in various forms — from disobedience to aggression. In any case, a 5-year-old child can throw tantrums on any occasion in the same way as a three-, four-year-old. 

PupilsGoing to first grade is a stressful event.

Even yesterday, the child spent whole days playing, walking, doing his favorite things. And today he needs to diligently sit at his desk and write out hooks in his notebook. Few people will find such an occupation fascinating, so the adaptation of a first-grader can be difficult. 

Tantrums at this age occur due to the fact that the child does not want to go to school, listen to the teacher, do homework. It may be difficult for him to find a common language with classmates and tune into a new daily routine. 

TeensThe crisis of adolescence is the most violent.

Yesterday's child strives to become an adult as soon as possible. He has a protest behavior. Hormonal storms provoke sudden mood swings, bouts of introspection. It happens that an adult child is already hysterical for any reason. It is increasingly difficult to find a common language or compromise with him.

The main thing at this stage is to express support and understanding of what is happening. Parents need to remember themselves more often at this age and make allowances. The transition period will soon end, and their former, but already grown-up, child will return to them.

Learn how to help a child to overcome any age crisis painlessly and usefully - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

The child is hysterical:

how to calm him down quicklyObserve what a child does in hysterics — runs somewhere or just moves randomly, if he stands still - closes his eyes (also flees from the world in his own way), climbs under the table, screams and so on.

What a parent does is stand by, watch the child's actions and try to calm him down. And now attention: who acts according to their instincts, and who suppresses them? 

Children are often smarter than us, they have much fewer social add-ons that dictate what to do in a given situation. They act intuitively, so they are healthier and stronger in every sense. 

So, the child has a tantrum: what should adults do: ✓ Don't suppress your instincts.

If you want to run away, run. Not literally, of course. Move away from the crying baby to a safe distance so that you can see each other. The increased distance will subconsciously calm you down (you are far from the source of aggression), but it will not frighten the baby.

✓ If you are at home, go to another room or take the hysterical child out there. It has long been known that without "viewers" children calm down very quickly. 

✓ You can't increase the distance — move away from the child, look away, pretend that you are busy with something else. This will discourage the baby, because most of the tantrums are clearly directed at the parent — to force him to do what he, the baby, needs. Perhaps the degree of emotions will even increase. But do not give in for just a couple of minutes — the child will see that the tactic of taking a voice does not work and he will have no choice but to calm down.

Of course, tips on how to calm a child with a tantrum are valid only in the case of manipulation ("I don't want to eat", "buy a toy", "I don't like this jacket"). In other situations, when the baby is scared or offended, you need to act differently — calm him down and remove the provoking factor. 

Children's frustration is not an alarm bell, but a bellIt is worth mentioning one more reason why the child is hysterical — about frustration.

This is a protective reaction to an external stimulus, not situational (a dog is scared or has a headache), but permanent. Frustration occurs when a child is affected by some consistently negative factor. He can't handle it, pull away or react properly in any way. It remains only to suppress these emotions in yourself, which can then manifest themselves in the form of hysteria. 

Provoking factors for frustration:✓ authoritarian parenting style of parents (total prohibitions, excessive strictness, constant control);

✓ overprotection (parents impose their care on the child, "strangle" with their selfish love);

✓ a difficult atmosphere in the family (parents in a state of divorce, leaving the life of a loved one);

✓ violent actions towards a child (parents are forced to study, attend a circle that they don't like, communicate with unpleasant people, etc.);

✓ stable disregard for the desires, feelings and thoughts of the child;

✓ prolonged fatigue, excessive physical exertion. 

What should I do if a child has a tantrum due to frustration? At least understand that the baby is worried about some constant irritating factor. A psychologist will help to identify and eliminate it. But remember: if nothing is done, the situation will affect the psyche: the child may develop neurosis, hysteria. 

*****

There is no single recipe for how to cope with children's tantrums. Just try to find out their cause and act appropriately to the situation. And after that, be sure to discuss what happened and try to draw mutually useful conclusions. Good luck! August 30th, 2019 2022-11-27 2020-03-25 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?