What to do if a child is lying: advice from a psychologist

Probably, no one is shocked by the fact that all people periodically lie. Consciously or accidentally, justifiably or unscrupulously, for the sake of salvation or sabotage — lies have dozens of guises. If we take this statement as an axiom, then it becomes interesting at what point do people acquire this skill? How does the ability to lie develop and at what age? How to react correctly to a lie and make sure that the child does not start lying about anything?

Lying on the bright side of life

It is quite natural that the concept of "lies" has a negative connotation. Who likes to feel like a fool, and even their own child or a loved one? But it is worth looking at this phenomenon a little more broadly and one can note an obvious positive aspect. And far from alone.

If your child has started to deceive, it means that he has reached a certain stage of development: the ability to lie is a sign of high intelligence.

In his book "How and why do children lie? Psychology of children's lies" Elena Nikolaeva wrote: "The first time a child lies, his lies are simple and primitive, because he is just learning to do it. The first pancake turns out to be a lump. But if the parents do not follow, then the lie will become more perfect every time, reflecting the development of both intelligence and speech. It is known that mentally retarded children do not lie — they "do not have enough mind" for this. And the smarter a person is, the more sophisticated his lies are."

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A large-scale study of children's lies was conducted at the University of Montreal. As a result, a certain age threshold was set for the beginning of the development of the ability to lie — 3-4 years. But in children who were clearly ahead of their peers in terms of development, this period came in 2-3 years. It is not difficult to draw conclusions: if a little liar proved himself in 2-4 years, this is a reason to rejoice: your child is normal, develops correctly and in a timely manner.

Another positive aspect of lying is that only brave people are capable of it. After all, in a way, lying is like performing a feat. Let's analyze the mechanism of lie formation:

1. It is necessary to realize that it is impossible to tell the truth in any way.
2. We need to simulate another reality.
3. You need to believe in this reality yourself and be able to express it convincingly enough to believe in it.
4. You need to remember your lies and stick to the fictional version for as long as it takes.
5. You need to be aware of the consequences of lying, have the courage to confess and suffer the punishment you deserve.

To learn to lie — effectively and without the risk of exposure — it is necessary to possess social, communication skills, have logical thinking and a high level of cognitive development.

Quite a reason for pride, isn't it?

Types of lies

To understand the nature of lies, you need to know its varieties:

1. Shifting responsibility: "I didn't do it." The reason may be the fear of punishment or the desire to teach another child a lesson — the one on whom the blame is being blamed.
2. Falsification is the most interesting kind of lie. As a rule, children with a developed imagination and creative personalities resort to it. Falsification implies the creation of a completely new story ("I can bend spoons with my eyes") or embellishing the facts of a real event ("I caught such a fish"). Her reason is the desire to attract attention to herself, to seem better than she really is. This is often the only way for deeply complex people/children to express themselves.
3. Plagiarism is the presentation of the results of someone else's work for their own. A solution for a not too hardworking person. Why waste time on something that can be easily appropriated? This kind of lie is peculiar to schoolchildren.
4. Excuse: "I was late because I was transferring an old lady across the street." Classics of the genre. There is a desire to avoid responsibility for being late, and an attempt to demonstrate to others such qualities as altruism, nobility.
5. Omission is a type of lie that adults most often use. The truth that is not fully told is also a lie, but it is inconvenient for many to realize this. Children very quickly adopt the tactics of half-truths and willingly use it for the rest of their lives.
6. Minimization is another favorite technique from the "adult" world, namely, the deliberate understatement of the consequences of misconduct. They resort to this kind of lie solely to avoid responsibility. If you downplay the damage, you can suffer a much lighter punishment.

Dr. Nancy Darling from Oberling University (USA) conducted a study that identified 10 things that teenagers lie about most often:

• What the money was spent on.
• What movie did you watch / what game did you play.
• Who are friends with
• Whether they have a couple.
• What they do in the absence of their parents.
• Whether they use alcohol/drugs.
• What kind of clothes are worn.
• How their hangouts go.
• Who they went with in the car.
• What happens at school.

When lies become Dangerous

Every phenomenon has its own limit or maximum level. When a child's lies reach the point of absurdity, he lies too often or his words bring harm to him or other people, it's time to stop.

Pathological liars don't become like that overnight. They have been forming their superpowers for years. With the passive participation of parents, of course.

What "red beacons" exist in the concept of children's lies? The first is that the child lies for no apparent reason, but answers a direct question: "Just like that." The second is if the lie is malicious in nature. Her goal is to make another person suffer. For example, slander on a sister / brother, so that he was deprived of sweets, and the liar got a double portion. Noticing this, try to explain to the child such a thing as "meanness" in an accessible way.

The third "beacon" is when the lie exceeds all permissible limits. You can cheat, conceal the truth, or you can lie with three boxes, than just discourage others. If the child is prone to hyperbolization of events / phenomena, make sure that he does not spend too much time in front of the TV or with gadgets. This is a clear signal that he is moving away from reality.

And the last, fourth, sign that it's time to stop children's lies harshly — when a little liar harms himself. For example, he promised to buy Kinder for all the children in the yard — solely out of noble motives — but did not do it because the parents did not give money. The result is that the children turned away from the deceiver and no longer play with him. To save the baby from disappointment, it is necessary to stop his desire to please others at the expense of false promises.

Trusting relationships are the best remedy against lies

The easiest and most effective way to teach a child to lie is to maintain a trusting relationship with him. How to do it:

1. Learn how to react correctly to misconduct. Do not raise your voice, do not use profanity and corporal punishment. Just try to clearly explain the inadmissibility of bad behavior. Determine the penalty for disobedience — deprivation of sweets, gadgets, walks or at your discretion. Let the punishment be firm and inevitable, but not cruel. Then the baby will be aware of the degree of responsibility, but will not be afraid of it, and at the same time — will not lie to avoid punishment.
2. Be aware of the child's problems. If he is unhappy, he is not getting along at school or with friends, try to find out the reason. Even if he lied to you in such a situation, do not scold, but show participation and a sincere desire to help.
3. Don't push. Yes, the kid lied. But it is not necessary to cut off his escape routes and the opportunity to redeem himself, to correct the situation. Let him learn to solve problems. Even those that he unwittingly created with his lies.
4. Encourage honesty. If the child eventually confessed to lying, praise him. Honesty is a good quality of personality, which is always appropriate to appreciate.
5. Note mistakes, but do not reproach. Ridiculing, teasing, and sharply criticizing children for mistakes they make due to their inexperience is the worst parental tactic. It will lead to the fact that the child will prefer to lie than to receive another portion of ridicule and criticism.
6. Love your children with unconditional love. Not only for success and diligent behavior, but also with all their mistakes, shortcomings. If the child feels that you love him in any way (and in any situation), he will not need to lie to remain "pretty" in your eyes.
7. Watch yourself. Adults often resort to cunning, guile and so-called lies for salvation. At the same time forgetting that children are closely watching them and adopting this negative example. Try to be honest at least with your immediate environment.

It will not be possible to completely avoid lying throughout your life. You can only minimize it and reduce the damage it brings.

Anyway, it's much nicer and easier to be honest, because as Leo Tolstoy said, "the most common and common reason for lying is the desire to deceive not people, but oneself."