How to help a child survive a parent's divorce: advice from a psychologist

American singer Christina Aguilera, after her divorce from her husband, Jordan Bratman, commented on her decision: "It's not the best option for children to listen to their parents swear. I knew that what I was doing was best for my child. I sincerely believe that it would be better for him to have two houses filled with love and happiness than one where swearing and misunderstanding reign."

This is an example of an adequate approach of parents, and also an understanding of responsibility for the future of children.

Sometimes it's better to make a strong-willed decision and end a failed marriage than to continue sailing in a leaky boat, risking drowning the whole family.

If the decision on divorce is made, it is time to notify the child about it. How to do it as correctly as possible? How will these events affect his future? How to help a child survive a parent's divorce?

Read also: To beat or not to beat a child? 

Studies of children's reactions to divorce

Pediatricians and sociologists have been studying the consequences of divorce for a long time, which affect children. However, this is where it ends — there are no large-scale rehabilitation programs for today. And this is despite the fact that 8 out of 10 children do not easily survive the separation of their parents. The high need for psychological rehabilitation is due to the fact that the consequences of these traumatic events may unfold in the distant future, that is, early diagnosis is impossible in this case.

Behavioral and cognitive disorders in children are associated with divorce:

• psychosomatic diseases;
• rollback in development;
• deterioration of the ability to learn;
• predisposition to drug and alcohol addiction;
• propensity to criminal, illegal activities;
• atrophy of the value of interpersonal relationships;
• suicides.

Time magazine published a study by Judith Wallerstein, according to which, children who successfully adapted to new living conditions after a divorce, after 10 years began to experience difficulties in their personal lives, relationships with their children, at work. This once again confirms that the consequences of divorce in children have a long-term perspective.

A group of scientists (Hetherington, Furstenberg and Arons) investigated the social development of children in the period after divorce. It was found that the divorce of parents for children is a serious problem, they generally have a higher level of emotional stress, the inability to enter and maintain long-term relationships is monitored, more frequent cases of bullying directed at the same children of divorced parents.

The indicators are much better for those children whose parents continue to actively participate in their lives: spend time, help with studies, take them on vacation, communicate daily.

How a child's life changes after the parents' divorce

As a rule, the decision to divorce is preceded by a long tense situation in the family, quarrels, misunderstandings. In severe cases — infidelity, aggression, scandals, violence. The child does not remain indifferent, because he is very dependent on the atmosphere in the family. He suffers no less than his parents.

Anxiety, depression, deterioration of school results, apathy, isolation — the consequences of a long stay in the "war zone" during the collapse of the family.

That is, it is impossible to consider the consequences of divorce from the moment when the relevant certificate was received and the adults stopped living with each other. Sometimes the traumatic events preceding the final point last for years. In such a situation, the consequences for the child only get worse, a stable negative emotional background is formed, in which he lives constantly.

It is also impossible to think that after the parents leave, events that directly affect the child end. Many adults continue to wage the "cold war" already in the status of strangers to each other. This manifests itself in open conflicts, and in a complete refusal to communicate, and in setting up the child against the other side.

All three phases (before the divorce, during and after) are equally bad for children. 

3 main mistakes of parents

✓ Conflicts in the presence of a child. It must be remembered that children feel equally sorry for both dad and mom (except when there is an obvious aggressor). The kid becomes a hostage of the situation — he cannot influence adults in any way, but he reacts sensitively to the negativity emanating from them during quarrels.

✓ A child is a bargaining chip. Manipulating a child is a favorite tactic of fathers. To put pressure on the mother, they threaten to take away the children. But there are also reverse manipulations — the mother threatens that she will stop any contact between the child and the father. This is a huge mistake, because parental rights and responsibilities do not depend on whether people are married. And it is possible to decide where the child will live and how many times a week the other party will see him, only on a voluntary basis or through the court.

Involvement of relatives and friends in the conflict. In such a situation, the field of "fighting" is expanding. And if earlier a child could distract himself from family conflicts visiting his grandmother, now that parents have dragged all relatives into their vicissitudes, it will not work. The negative atmosphere will haunt the child everywhere — both at home and visiting relatives.

10 tips for parents how to help a child with a parent's divorceDo not hide from the children that large-scale changes are waiting for the family soon.

1. It's better to talk to everyone together — with Mom and Dad. Tell us this news, tell us your vision of what will happen after the departure of one of the parents. Explain that mom and dad love him/her and will never leave, will always be there as far as possible, ready to help and support.
2. Do not ignore children's worries and worries. If you need to talk about this topic every day, take the time to explain it as many times as it takes. The child should feel strong ground under his feet and that you are keeping the situation under control.
3. If you see an objective need for professional help from a psychologist, be sure to use it. This solution will work for your child's future: a specialist will help him get used to the idea of parents' divorce and minimize the consequences of these events for the psyche.
4. Actively participate in the child's life — attend school events, relax, celebrate family holidays together. Let there be as few changes in his life as possible.
5. Never discuss your spouse in a negative light. Remember that the child loves both mom and dad. And it hurts him if someone speaks ill of them.
6. Do not use children as a bargaining chip and an excuse for manipulation. This will hurt both the ex-spouse and the child himself.
7. Fairly distribute the time that the child will spend with each of the parents. But act in his best interests. For example, in the middle of the school week it is inconvenient to change the place of accommodation. It is better for a child to spend weekdays with one of the parents, and weekends with the other.
8. Protect your children from information about your new relationship until you are sure that they are serious. Be prepared for the fact that the child may resist the appearance of a new person in the life of mom or dad.
9. Do not break ties with grandparents and other relatives of the opposite party. Let them continue to remain in the child's life, as before the divorce.
10. Establish normal human communication with the ex-half. Try to leave the grievances in the past, you now have a new task — being divorced to actively participate in the upbringing of children together.

Of course, everything is easy in theory, but in practice, often one of the parents withdraws from the upbringing and maintenance of the child, simply disappears and starts a new family. Even if it happened, it is important to give the child this information correctly, try to explain the reasons for this behavior. Often, psychological assistance to a child in the event of a parent's divorce will not be superfluous. 

Remember: any actions during this difficult period will affect the child's future. And it depends only on you, the parents, how critical these consequences will be.