A child fights: why and what to do in such a situation − advice from a psychologist

Psychologists, teachers, psychotherapists say: child aggression is a normal phenomenon, just a stage of development characteristic of certain age periods. But we, the parents, are worried about the question: what to do if the child fights? How to pacify a small brawler and prevent a fight from becoming a habitual model of behavior in any conflict situations?Why is the child fighting

If you want to understand why a child fights, then you should take into account that all children explore the world with the help of their senses.

Tactile sensations are one of the most important information channels for them. Kids in 2-3 months learn to grab rattles with their handles, in 4-6 months they play with textured objects with pleasure, learning to distinguish prickly from soft, warm from cold, slippery from chipped. At the same time, objects are examined with the help of the mouth: the baby pulls into it everything that comes to hand. This is how a stable connection is formed: to feel and try = to get acquainted. 

With the development of intelligence, a child needs not only tactile perception, but also the expression of emotions. Pushing, clapping, hitting is a great way to provoke a reaction from others. Many mothers mark the period from one and a half to two and a half years, when a child dissatisfied with something backhands a pen at the source of his irritation: tasteless food - down with the plate, a cat got in the way — kick it, mom picks it up at the wrong moment — and it's for distribution. 

Some parents tenderly watch this and hope that the baby will outgrow. Others are perplexed why the child is fighting, and harshly stop such behavior. Everyone is wrong. Children at this age are not yet able to realize the consequences of their actions. But it is also not worth letting the situation take its course, giving carte blanche for physical impact on others. 

How to wean a child to fight? The best option is to take the baby's hand and calmly repeat: "You can't beat the kids," "It hurts the cat," "Don't touch grandma." Simple instructions at this age are more effective than long conversations, and it is in this simple way that you can explain to a child that you cannot fight.

Mom was offendedThe time for conversations with colorful descriptions of the consequences of fights comes in 2-3 years.

Five-year-olds often arrange fist fights in children's groups, defending their right to leadership or the opportunity to play with a toy they like. But what if a child fights not only with children, but also with his mother?

There are no simple restrictions here. You can forbid a child to fight as much as you want, but it is unlikely that he will understand the essence of this prohibition. To explain why fighting is bad, you can use the description of the consequences of the fight in the form of a story:

If I hit my mom—accidentally or when I get angry— it will hurt her. She'll cry and won't want to play or talk to me. If she doesn't take care of me and spend time with me, I will feel very bad.

A simple simulation of the situation will clearly demonstrate to the little brawler the consequences of his behavior. But concrete actions will have a stronger effect. 

If a child fights with his parents or grandmother, you already know what to do: ignore the bully for a while. But before that, it is necessary to explain why the person was offended and how to fix it (ask for forgiveness, no more beating).

Read also: How to establish a relationship with a teenager: 7 effective tipsA child fights: Top 5 reasons for children's fights

Forewarned means armed.

Knowing the reasons why a child fights in kindergarten or school, you can stop it or seek advice from a psychologist. So: 

1. Warriors and warriors. This is the nature of a child — he simply cannot restrain his irrepressible energy and finds a way out of it in fights. This is often observed in children with ADHD.
2. A cornered animal. If a child lives in a stressful, conflict situation, parents are too demanding and strict, and at school there is continuous pressure in terms of academic performance, his aggression is a predictable response.
3. I'm the leader. The struggle for a place in the sun and resources is in our blood. And the behavior of children in the children's collective is a vivid illustration of this statement. It is good if there is one leader in a group or class who does not need to constantly prove his status. But if he has competitors, there will be fights.
4. Help me. Pugnacity, as a symptom of a nervous disorder, is a weighty argument for adults to refuse the desire to punish and rein in the aggressor. All that a child needs now is adequate professional help from specialists and support from relatives.
5. I do what I want. This is the motto of children whose parents did not take care of building personal boundaries and familiarizing the child with the rules of life in society. There are even whole pedagogical theories based on permissiveness. Allegedly, over time, the child will intuitively understand what can be done and what cannot be done, and parental prohibitions are only an obstacle to the natural process of self—education. 

The child is fighting, what to do: advice from a psychologistDetermine the cause of aggression

Try to find out what prompted your child to physically influence the opponent.

Analyze the situation and suggest more peaceful ways to resolve such conflicts. Try not to put pressure on the child so that he does not close — then you will not know exactly what caused the fight. 

What should I do if a child fights at school? Talk to the witnesses of the incident and the teacher. Be sure to interview the other side of the conflict. Your task is to find out as much details as possible and teach the child to act more deliberately next time, but at the same time not to give offense.

Keep yourself in hand Yes, it is very unpleasant when a child attacks other children with his fists.

But try not to lose your composure, not to switch to shouting or, even worse, to physical impact (slaps, slaps). Speak firmly, convincingly, but without unnecessary emotions. 

Show sympathyAs Ernest M. Hemingway said, "truly brave people do not need to fight a duel, but many cowards do it all the time to convince themselves of their own courage."

Perhaps your child is fighting because he is desperately afraid of someone. Or fighting for his place in the sun. By the way, this is the most common reason why children fight at school. This is how they assert their role in the team. 

Your task is to find out not only the cause of the fight, but also the psycho-emotional state of the son / daughter. To do this, it is necessary to understand why the child needed to show his courage or aggression.

Realize the potential If your child is physically strong, active and courageous — do not allow him to realize his potential by fighting with peers at school.

It is much more productive and safer to give it to the sports section. For example, in martial arts, wrestling or boxing. There he will be able to show his best qualities, as well as learn to control emotions. 

The world-famous boxer Mike Tyson once said: "Not everyone you fight is your enemy and not everyone who helps you is your friend." Sports will teach your child to figure out who is a friend and who is an enemy, and to act in conflict situations with a cool head.

Encourage good behaviorIf you have gone through all the options, but could not find the answer to the question of what to do if a child fights in kindergarten, try to apply positive reinforcement.

A month without fighting? Hurray! Going on a picnic or to the cinema. Such tactics will show the kid that good behavior is much more pleasant and profitable than constant conflicts and fights with peers.

Remind of the consequencesNo fight is complete without consequences — not so much physically as psychologically.

The loser gets a powerful blow to self-esteem, and the winner is such only formally. In fact, a number of destructive mechanisms have been launched in his mind, which parents and psychologists will have to deal with later. 

In about 1% of cases, children's fights end in physical injuries. It is also necessary to familiarize the child with this fact. Well, in social terms, there is no good news for a street boxer — children will consider him a source of aggression and are unlikely to want to be friends. 

Identify the provoking factors 

Why does a child fight at school, but at the same time behaves perfectly at the sports section and educational circles? Perhaps the garden is the stress factor that provokes such behavior. If a child does not want to go there, if he is morally oppressed there or he is simply uncomfortable being out of the house for a long time, he will fight, protesting against visiting the garden.

Calm the child downA raging brawler is not easy to calm down, but try to do it as quickly as possible.

Take them aside or take them away from the scene of the incident altogether. Sit down on a bench, hug the child, say that you are upset about what happened. But at the same time, you still love him and want to help. Remind similar situations when the child kept his composure and ask why this time he could not control his emotions. Discuss the situation from all sides — during the conversation the child will calm down, and you will get answers to your questions and will be able to prevent such actions in the future. 

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In general, all the tips on "What to do if a child fights" come down to three recommendations: to stop attacks of aggression, talk about the consequences of fights and establish trusting communication with parents. Even this minimum is enough to significantly reduce the frequency of such incidents. Good luck! April 22, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-04-22 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?