Why do children need rules

In the process of raising children, parents have two approaches: to apply punishments or to establish rules. In the first case, the child learns the norms of behavior through punishments / restrictions, that is, after the fact (after the offense). In the second, prevention works — he knows in advance what can be done and what cannot be done. 

The second option is less convenient for parents, because they will have to think through a lot of things, set rules and monitor their compliance. However, it has special advantages over punishments. Let's figure out why children need rules: what are their functions and how to achieve their fulfillment.

Rules vs PunishmentsDoes the child need rules?

Yes, we do! Rules are norms established by parents that regulate various aspects of a child's life: his behavior at home, at school, with friends, his range of responsibilities and relationships with other people. The rules help:

• set behavioral patterns;
• to form moral habits;
• choose areas of activity;
• establish decision-making pillars;
• organize a day/class/rest schedule;
• adapt to attending school/kindergarten, which also has its own rules.

Non-compliance with the rules should be punished. However, this is no longer a haphazard measure, but a clear and understandable algorithm for a child. 

Also read: A capricious child: how to cope with itPunishments also give the child more freedom, but at the same time he learns what can be done and what cannot be done at the moment when he was punished.

Of course, this approach is not limited to hurting the child. Its task is the same as that of the rules — to form behavioral models. But there is a huge risk that due to frequent punishments, a number of negative consequences will occur:

• the trust and closeness between the child and the parents will weaken;
• the child will get used to punishments and stop reacting to them;
• the child will form a stable stereotype: he is bad, that's why he is punished so much.

Therefore, the optimal approach is that there is no other without one. Namely, there are no punishments without rules. Functions of rules and tasks of parents

Psychologists distinguish six functions of rules:

1. To form a sense of stability and security in the child. For the normal development of a child, a causal relationship must be established: if I break the rules, punishment follows, and if I act according to the rules, then I can be calm, confident and protected.

That is, the rules are like the ground under your feet, from which you can push off for a jump, and then land back. 

It is also important that the child understands what the rules are for. Not just because my parents wanted to. And in order to protect, first of all, the child himself. For example, the rule of switching the street to a green light protects the child from an accident, and the rule of putting his clothes in the closet saves time on school fees, the rule of timely feeding the cat instills responsibility in him, and the rule of doing homework right after school gives him free time until the evening.

Any rule established by parents must be justified and explained to the child. Do not be deceitful when talking about the reasons for a particular rule. It is better to tell the truth in an accessible form so that the child is aware of the consequences of the violation. 

2. Teach the child to respect the personal boundaries of other people. Some of the rules relate to the interaction of the child and other people.

And at this moment there is a need to teach him to observe the boundaries of personality. Sometimes parents go to extremes — they forbid everything to the child, suppressing him and creating a feeling of their own worthlessness, or vice versa — they allow everything when an egoist grows out of the child. 

It is important to maintain a balance and establish simple and clear rules that will not oppress the child, but at the same time do not create an atmosphere of permissiveness.

To understand how your rules affect the child, just ask how he feels about it. You should not impose your vision on him, and if we are talking about fundamental points, explain why it is important to observe this rule. And do this until the child understands the importance of such a decision. 

Bernard Shaw wrote that "the golden rule says there are no golden rules." If the rule is completely illogical, causes persistent resistance in the child, he can not learn it in any way — reconsider it or give it up altogether. Adopt another rule that will suit all the parties involved, but at the same time not bring discomfort. As a result, an attentive attitude to the child's opinion will help you achieve reciprocal respect.

3. Introduce the child to the real world. Greenhouse conditions are often created in the family for the child: sometimes you can make noise in the evening, sometimes indulge in food, sometimes avoid responsibility for pranks.

However, leaving a cozy family nest, your chick may face the fact that the outside world is not so compliant and loyal, and if there are generally accepted rules, they must be followed. Therefore, the ability to think causally (there will be punishment for violating the rule) will greatly simplify your child's life and facilitate his interaction with others. 

For example, if you could draw at home and leave pencils on the table, then at school the teacher will make a remark for the mess on the desk. If a child can chat at home during a movie, then in the cinema the audience sitting next to him will "shush" him to achieve silence. Etc. 4. Remove the personal factor of upbringing.

The dream of any parent is the formation of a close, warm, trusting relationship with a child.

If there are none, any interaction between them is formal, and communication is hampered by misunderstanding, protest, unwillingness to hear each other. In any case, there is some kind of personal feature of the relationship. And the rules eliminate it, because this is not a momentary desire of parents, not their whims or quibbles, but pre-established norms that need to be fulfilled without taking into account personal relationships. 

5. Eliminate the possibility of manipulation.The rules are a kind of independent judge to whom you can appeal in any incomprehensible situation.

Children very quickly understand that there is a parent's opinion, formed under the influence of mood, desires, plans and other factors. And there is an unshakable rule that well, it is impossible not to fulfill. And if in the first case there is a chance to manipulate the parent's decision — to beg, to talk, to distract, to negotiate. Then in the case of the rule, there is not so much room for maneuver anymore. And if parents see that the child does not comply with the established rule, they can absolutely legitimately resort to punishment, whereas in other cases this punishment will cause offense and misunderstanding. 

For example, parents ask their child to find a TV remote control. He refuses because he is busy. As a result, he is punished — absolutely wrongly, because there are no rules according to which the child is obliged to monitor the location of the remote control. So, this is pure parental arbitrariness. Yes, you can ask, but in case of refusal — accept such an answer. At least not to punish for it. But if this was the duty of the child, raised to the rule and stipulated earlier, then no offense: violated the rule — received punishment. 

6. Organize the child's behavior.This is the most important function of the rules, because their task is not just to achieve obedience, but to teach certain norms, life laws, and also to protect from everything bad.

And this process is designed for a lifetime, because with the help of the rules, knowledge and skills are instilled that will be useful to the child in the future. 

An excellent example of the strategic organization of a child's behavior is eating habits. Have breakfast in the morning, do not drink water during meals, eat 2 hours before bedtime, etc. — these are the golden rules that: 

a) give the child good health in childhood; 

b) form the right approach to nutrition for the rest of your life.

How to set rulesDespite the apparent simplicity and obviousness of this issue, we will nevertheless give the basic principles of the formation of rules for children.

They will help to avoid mistakes and misunderstandings:

✓ The rules must be followed. Parents need to be consistent, not to make allowances for breaking the rules.

✓ The rules for the child should not contradict the actions of the parents. That is, adults are obliged to follow the established rules themselves in order to give a useful example to the child and instill in him confidence that this rule is not a parental whim, but an objective necessity.

✓ The rules must be agreed between the parents. It is unacceptable that mom has her own, and Dad has his own rules. Parents should discuss in advance the norms by which they will raise and educate their child.

✓ The rules should not negatively affect the child's vital activity. If, purely physiologically, he needs to go to bed early, then the rule of playing for an hour and a half with a younger brother will contradict the needs of the child. This means that such a rule should be abolished.

✓ The rules need to be explained every time a child asks the question "why?". Patiently, with a smile, in a calm tone. It is necessary to warn even before the moment of violation, if possible, that punishment will follow. 

✓ Form the rules based on the strategy for the future. You should clearly know why, why and why this rule is established. What profit it will bring to your child in the future and what it will protect from. This way you can more accurately describe the reasons why you need to follow this rule.

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If you still haven't decided how to build an educational process for your child, then we remind you that the rules make the life of parents much easier. If he follows them, you don't have to worry about his safety and productive interaction with the outside world. April 22, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-04-23 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?