How to establish a child's relationship with grandparents

Gone are the days when, at the word "grandmother", the imagination pictured a cozy kitchen with a stove in a village house, a shell bed with embroidered pillows and a mountain of fragrant apple pies. Modern grandmothers are energetic women with an eventful life in which they have to carve out hours to communicate with their grandchildren. How to make sure that children's relationships with their grandparents are as warm and close as ours are with ours? What can cause conflict situations and how to deal with it?

Roles played by grandmothersThe task of parents is to organize a comfortable permanent circle of communication for the child.

As a rule, it includes the closest people. Grandparents play the role of a powerful rear: if necessary, they will help, support, and take care of the baby. After all, as the Swedish writer Frederick Buckman said, "if you have a grandmother, consider that you have a whole army behind you." This is ideal. 

In reality, one of the biggest problems is building a relationship between a grandmother and grandchildren. It is more difficult to do this if you do not understand that grandmothers can be different. Exactly:

1. Authoritarian grandmother. She is a real ace in all matters, including education. Every visit of a child to her is like an exam: "Can you read already?", "What grades at school?", "Why do you need these gadgets, better play in the yard!". The authoritarian grandmother treats not only the child, but also his parents with questions and comments. As a result, sooner or later they get tired of these attacks and communication stops. 

Read also: Why games are so important in child development: Top 10 educational games How can a relationship be saved in such a situation?

Firstly, to remain calm, not to show your irritation, to find a positive in the character and behavior of the grandmother and explain it to the child. Secondly, try to find out what kind of relationship Grandma had with her grandmothers. This will help to understand the reasons for this behavior. Thirdly, a confidential conversation will help to mildly express disagreement with this approach to communicating with grandchildren. Then it's up to the grandmother, if she values this relationship, then she will try to change.

2. Curious grandmother. There seems to be nothing wrong with an elderly person being interested in the life of a young family. But sometimes such curiosity can annoy: calls three times a day with questions about how the baby ate, walked, slept; constant demands to send her photos and videos; regular visits at far from the most appropriate time. In addition, such a lively interest can sometimes be accompanied by criticism. As a result, the child hears parents grumbling when they discuss an overly intrusive grandmother, and her authority inevitably falls. 

What to do? The first task is to stop irritably commenting on the next call from grandma. Remember: all your actions are "recorded on tape" in children's memory, and in the future they will be relayed in relation to you. 

The second task is to gently but convincingly build boundaries between a young family and a grandmother. Specify the number of calls and visits that are comfortable for you, ask her not to criticize everything that she sees in the photos sent. Help organize grandma's leisure time if her persistent curiosity is connected with boredom. For a child, this will be a great example: mom and dad do not avoid communication with relatives, but make it more comfortable. 

3. Grandma is a volunteer. She takes and picks up the child from school, bakes pies, heats juice from the refrigerator. She has no days off and vacations — her grandmother is always on hand and ready to help. Her grandchildren never stand in public transport, she will give up her seat herself, if only the child would be comfortable. Such a grandmother always has a three-course lunch ready, the apartment is in perfect order, the grandchildren are well-groomed and looked after. Of course, a volunteer grandmother is very convenient for everyone: she never complains about her health, does not say that she is tired, does not complain about the lack of help. But her sacrifice and sincere desire to take care of her relatives may not cause gratitude and reciprocal attention, but a desire to cause even more trouble.

It is worth explaining to the child that the grandmother does not serve him, but simply helps the parents to take care of him. Therefore, she, like the rest of the family, also needs to rest, do her own business, and just be alone to distract from everyday worries. 

4. Grandma is a friend. That's really lucky, so lucky the child! With such a grandmother, you can lie on the couch with a tablet all day and have lunch with snickers. She laughs loudly at funny stories, never punishes for pranks, allows much more than parents. However, sooner or later the pranks will cross reasonable boundaries, and the stomach will twist from the abundance of sweets. In such a situation, the grandmother-friend will withdraw: "I have nothing to do with it, it's him." 

The fact is that not all grandmothers are ready to take responsibility for the upbringing and health of the child. To be offended and complain about this is stupid, you can only teach children to determine the degree of what is allowed on their own. Even if my grandmother allowed me to eat chips — is it worth stuffing another portion of muck into yourself? This choice should be made by the child himself and he himself should be responsible for the consequences. 

5. Grandma is a touchy. She has not been seen or heard for years, she is not particularly interested in communication, although she retains formal politeness when meeting. It would seem that there were no quarrels and conflict situations, but where does such coldness towards grandchildren come from and what to do about it? Most likely, the grandmother is a touchy person in herself, an unemotional person, perhaps she is burdened by the noise and fuss that reigns in the house with children. Maybe the reason for everything is health problems or personality traits. This will have to be taken into account and in no case tell the child that the grandmother does not want to see him. Let it be extremely rare meetings, but they will be. Organize them so that no one is a burden, but at the same time give the grandmother and grandson /granddaughter an opportunity to get to know each other better. 

The child is brought up by a grandmotherIt happens that parents need to go to another country for some time or undergo long-term treatment.

With normal intra-family relationships, it is logical to attract grandparents to take care of the child. Even if they have nothing against it and are ready to shoulder the burden of daily worries, the problem may lie in the perception of this situation by the child:he may start behaving badly, slip in his studies, not listen to his elders, protesting against living with his grandmother;

• it can become withdrawn, nervous, touchy — this is how the child's psyche reacts to separation from mom and dad;
• may not recognize the authority of the grandmother, ignoring her requests.

In order to mitigate the consequences of prolonged separation from parents as much as possible, it is worth honestly telling the child about its causes. Outline specific dates for the return of mom and dad, make a schedule of calls and Skype conferences. It is also important to prepare the grandmother so that changes in the child's habitual way of life are minimal. This requires clear instructions down to the smallest detail: what time to wake up so as not to be late for school, what the child usually eats dinner, where he likes to walk, etc.

How to improve the relationship of grandmothers and grandchildrenThe best way to teach a child something is to set a good example.

1. Be yourself caring and attentive children of your parents. Respect their opinion, consider their desires and needs, help as much as possible.
2. Build personal boundaries in the family. Parents should not "enter your territory" in matters of child care and upbringing. Even if their vision of the situation is completely different. Children should recognize the authority of grandparents, respect and obey them. However, if their methods go against their parents, it is better to say so right away. 
3. Grandparents tend to pamper their grandchildren and allow them a little more than their parents. If this does not go beyond the scope, then let it be — rare meetings with relatives should leave pleasant emotions and memories. However, if the habit of spoiling a child is destructive, it is worth warning your parents in advance about the need to adhere to certain rules (daily routine, diet, etc.).
4. Eliminate overprotection both at home and at grandmothers. It is not necessary to perform his duties at home instead of the child, solve his problems at school and with friends, choose clothes for him in the store. Understand for yourself and explain to the grandmothers that the more you take care of the child, the less independence and responsibility for his actions will be developed.
5. Teach children that a grandmother is not a nanny or a servant who can be commanded. Even if she lovingly fulfills the whims of her granddaughters, this does not mean that they can push her around. At the same time, the grandmother should not be a trouble-free performer. The child may well understand that, for example, pizza will not be baked for him today, because grandma is tired. Reasoned refusal on the one hand and respect on the other is the key to a great relationship. 
6. The older generation is guided by outdated principles of education. They can be excessively strict with children, apply physical punishments. Explain to your parents that you hold other views that imply more freedom, respect, support and attention to the child. 
7. Increased anxiety, which is characteristic of elderly people, can sometimes negatively affect relationships with grandchildren. As adults, they no longer need to be reminded to look right and left when crossing the road or to put on a scarf because it's cold. A grandmother should understand that an adult grandson or granddaughter can already take care of herself. And excessive anxiety and obsession only irritate.

*****

The older generation in the family are the keepers of wisdom and invaluable life experience. Children listen with interest to old wives' tales and jokes, instructive stories and legends from the distant past. And it is highly undesirable to deprive them of this opportunity. Make every effort to establish a good relationship between your children and parents. After all, it is on these connections that a strong, happy family is built.