Why do children not trust their parents and what to do about it

Children often hide something from their parents. Moreover, from good parents who, it would seem, are friends with them, do not suppress and do not punish. Why is this happening? At what point does the fragile bridge of trust between close people collapse? We will tell you why trusting relationships are so important and how to establish them with your own child.

Why trust is neededIsn't it enough that a child respects and listens to parents?

Isn't it dangerous to play friendship and risk parental authority? 

Such questions are asked by those who are not ready to hear and accept their own child. Unwillingness to have a trusting relationship with him is an invisible wall that an adult uses to protect himself from his child. 

Parents can both form and destroy trust. It is they who are responsible for whether the child will be frank. Therefore, wondering why he does not trust us, it is worth looking first of all at yourself. 

Why do we need a trusting relationship with a child:trust is a contact.

• Even in the most critical periods of life, you can be sure that you will not lose contact with your child;
• you will be able to understand him better, and he, in turn, will understand you;
• it is easier to establish rules of interaction on the basis of trusting relationships. The child will accept them because he will be sure of your unconditional love and justice;
• trust will provide you with authority in the most positive sense;
• after the child gains complete freedom of action and independence, only trusting communication will guarantee the calmness of parents.

Do you want to learn how to raise a child so that he trusts you even the most intimate secrets?  Then register - for Dmitry Karpachev's online master class "What every parent should know". What destroys the trust of children 

Some parents carefully build trusting relationships with their children.

Others do not pay attention to this aspect of education at all. And still others make a number of mistakes that gradually destroy the trust of children. 

What are these errors:Intimidation.

1. In the arsenal of short-sighted adults there are a lot of horror stories for intimidating children. They scare the boarding school, the police, threaten to box their ears, blackmail with things dear to their hearts. This has a detrimental effect on the child's self-esteem and makes it painful to experience their dependence on loved ones. 
2. Manipulations of parental love. "If you do this, I will stop loving you" — over time, such words will cease to have weight, and the child will perceive them as another parental horror story. At their core, these phrases are pure lies. Normal parents will not stop loving their child because of the usual childish pranks or disobedience.
3. Incomprehensible prohibitions. Any restriction must be reasoned. But often parents violate this axiom and put pressure on authority: "Because I said so/she said." Think about the educational value of such arguments.
4. Punishments with food. The ban on sweets is an effective lever of pressure on the child. But do not forget that the forbidden fruit is sweet. That is, the more you deprive the child of sweets, the more he will want them. When the punishment is over, it's worth keeping the sweets away, because the hungry kid will pounce on them with a vengeance.
5. Derision. You can't laugh at something that is dear to a child. Even if it seems like complete nonsense to his parents. It is also worth tabooing jokes about appearance, children's crafts and feelings.
6. Programming for failures. "Yes, nothing will work out for you", "You will always mess up" — such words form negative attitudes and create self-doubt, set the child against his parents.

Also read: "Yazheotets" — who is it and how not to turn into itHow Condemnation destroys trusting relationships 

To understand why the child does not trust you, analyze your communication with your parents.

Do you tell them about your fears, mistakes, and unpleasant actions?

Probably, some will answer "yes". But still, most of us are more likely to entrust our innermost to friends, the second half, or even nounames from the Internet than to open up with relatives. Why is this happening?

The main reason for the lack of trusting communication of children with their parents is the fear of condemnation. If a child tells his mother that he pushed a classmate, her predictable reaction will be indignation, a desire to punish a naughty boy. But having received a negative result for himself, will the child be frank next time? Most likely, he will deliberately hide unpleasant news from his mother, and then it will become a habit.

3 formats of communication with the childThe reaction of parents to "bad" news can be divided into three types:

1. Negative-emotional. Mom screams, Dad slaps. There is a tragic atmosphere in the family, the child is stressed.
2. Instructive-mentoring. Parents express their moralizing in a calm tone, but at the same time they do not miss the opportunity to prick more painfully. In their arsenal — manipulative conclusions, pejorative tone and devaluation of feelings and motivation of the child.
3. Friendly and explanatory. Instead of scandals and reproaches, a detailed and reasoned explanation is used why this act is bad. 

The first two formats will not provide you with a trusting relationship with your child. The third is the only correct reaction to children's revelations. 

Algorithm of friendly explanatory conversationLet's go back to the example described above: the child said that he pushed a classmate at school.

What should be your actions:

1. Ask about the details and the reasons for what happened.
2. To ask what the child himself thinks.
3. Correctly express your attitude to the situation.
4. Back up words with information from reputable sources. 

How to build a trusting communication with a childPlutarch wrote: "Signs of trust generate reverse trust, and manifestations of love — the same love."

The first step towards trusting communication with children should be taken by parents, namely, to start trusting them themselves. What does it mean?

✓ Do not question the child's words, even if he has lied to you in the past. It is always necessary to deal with the cause of lies, because lies never arise from scratch.

✓ Respect the child. Accept his unconditional right to respect from parents and other family members. By trampling on these rights, you are doing a disservice to yourself, because you will never achieve reciprocal respect in this way.

✓ Understand the importance of trust between parents and child. Without this, you will never teach him anything, you will not be able to create a comfortable emotional atmosphere in the family, you will not occupy a significant place in his life.

It is very important to ask yourself in time whether there is trust between you and your child. Because it's much easier to build something from scratch than trying to glue a broken cup.

Learn more about how to build a trusting relationship with a child - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".Right now, click on the "Register" button and get a gift.

When to start building trust

Literally from birth.

The biggest work should take place before the age of 7 of the child's life. At this age, the foundations of character and behavioral models are laid, on which the personality will be built in the future. Adolescence is the time of polishing what you laid down earlier. 

You will feel calm for your child only when you make every effort to build a trusting relationship with him.

1. Support your child. Become a powerful wall that you can always lean on or hide behind it from any adversity.
2. Respect your personal space. A mother has no right to rummage through a child's things, even under a plausible pretext. Dad shouldn't be eavesdropping on his phone conversations. If you accidentally found out or found something that was not intended for your eyes, pretend that nothing happened. Of course, if the find is dangerous, take appropriate educational measures, but so that the child does not guess where and how he "punctured".
3. Talk. Do not hush up conflicts and problems inside or outside the family. Do not ignore the child's worries and fears. Take an interest in his affairs, find time to chat about both trifles and important things. Ask not only about whether he has done his homework, but also about his dreams, plans, desires. 
4. Don't lie. There is no such thing as "lying for good." Any lie will only be harmful! If you can't talk about something, tell me honestly that now is not the time, but you will explain everything later. And if you need to tell, but the truth is inconvenient, work on the presentation so as not to upset the child. 
5. Hug and kiss. Tactile sensations are extremely important for children. And not only younger age. Believe me, teenagers are no less pleased with mom's warm hugs or jokingly tousled hair with dad's big hand. They will remember these gestures all their lives. 
6. Do common things. Any joint activity will help to better understand each other, bring together and improve the relationship between adults and children. 

_________

"Believe the little ones more and the big ones less" (V. Hugo).

Trusting communication with a child does not mean that he tells you everything and listens to advice. Look at it from the perspective of your own interests. Do you have a person you completely trust? Maybe there are one or two. But there could be more!

If you and your child have mutual trust, then you will get a reliable friend, an ally in his person, who will listen and comfort in a completely adult way. Isn't that great?! December 14th, 2020 2022-11-27 2020-12-14 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?