What to do if your parents interfere with the upbringing of your children

In our country, nuclear families, where there are only parents and children, are a rather rare phenomenon. We are used to communicating closely with our parents, many live together, run a household and, accordingly, raise the younger generation. In such circumstances, it is not surprising that grandparents are involved in the process of raising grandchildren. And, of course, they have their own views, which often go against the opinion of children.  What should I do if a grandmother interferes with the upbringing of a child? How to avoid conflicts on this basis? 

In our article, we will analyze the 7 most common problems that arise between two generations of parents. We will also tell you what to do if parents interfere in the upbringing of grandchildren.1. Disagreements in the principles of education.

Mom forbids running around the apartment, but grandma allows it. What should a child do if the opinions of adults contradict each other? What rights does a grandmother have to a grandson? Can he contradict his mother? Most likely, the fidget will take the side of the grandmother, because trampling bare heels on the parquet is very fun.

A conflict is brewing between mom and grandma: parental authority has been shaken, the child does not consider the mother's word a priority. 

What to do?What should I do if my grandmother gets into the upbringing of a child?

Contradictions in the methods of education should be considered pointwise. In the situation with running around the apartment, mom is definitely right. But it is quite possible that on other issues, Grandma's vision will be more balanced. 

Before you conflict, you should try to understand each other. It would be good to ask the grandmother why she questions the decisions of the child's parents. But the danger of diplomacy is that negotiations may not bring the proper result. Then it is necessary to clearly divide the powers. To do this, discuss whether a grandmother has the right to raise, scold or beat her grandchildren — your prohibitions must be strictly observed.

2. Grandmother in the role of mom.

Grandmothers perform parental duties towards their grandchildren not from a good life. This happens when their formally adult children remain immature, infantile. 

But there are exceptions when a grandmother considers herself a mother or even a "control center" of a young family. She does not accept the fact that her children have been adults for a long time, and the parents themselves, respectively, can do what they see fit.

Taking away the right to parenthood from their children, grandmothers, on the one hand, take on an unbearable burden in old age, and on the other — provoke conflicts.

What to do?It is not easy to gain the trust of the older generation, especially if a person has had infantile deeds in the past.

But everything changes, we don't remain children, maturity comes sooner or later. It is possible to prove the ability to be responsible for your own child, not with words, but with actions. What should I do if a grandmother interferes with the upbringing of a child?

• Moving to a separate apartment if you lived with your parents before.
• Refusal of financial assistance to a young family.
• Refusal of regular help with grandchildren. 

But even if the grandmother is actually raising the child, you should communicate with her on an equal footing and clearly outline the boundaries of her intervention. Her help is very important and desirable, but do not overdo it. In any case, the legal rights of a grandmother to a grandson do not compare with the rights of parents. This means that they are responsible for the children. 

Learn how to raise a child correctly so that you are the authority for him, and not a grandmother or grandfather - at Dmitry Karpachev's transplant-free online master class "What every parent should know".   3. Total criticism.

The danger of constant criticism of the actions and decisions of the child's parents is that in this way the grandmother devalues them. At the same time, he exalts himself as a more experienced and wise family member. Although there is very little wisdom in such behavior of a grandmother with grandchildren.

But there is much more harm when criticism turns into instigation: "Your mother does not bake pies, does not look after you, does not buy sweets." The child is disoriented: it turns out that his mother is bad? 

What to do?If your parents interfere in the upbringing of grandchildren, then in response to neutral criticism, you should respond diplomatically, but firmly: "Thank you for the advice, but I'll think about it" or "We'll do as we decided."

In order not to provoke a conflict, it is worth showing the grandmother that her care and indifference are appreciated and welcomed in every possible way. It is quite possible that such a move will reduce her desire to criticize everyone and everything.

If, for example, a mother-in-law maliciously interferes with the upbringing of a child and harbors a desire to turn the child against the mother (unloved daughter-in-law), you will have to distance yourself from a toxic relative for some time. A pause in communication will help them think about whether it is worth doing this in the future.

4. Manipulations of age and health.

"I'm going to die soon, and you won't even know" is a common manipulation of elderly people. They really suffer from loneliness, they have a lot of free time. But if children and grandchildren rarely come for various reasons, manipulations are used.

With poor health and age, toxic grandmothers can argue for unwillingness to fulfill any request or attempts to impose their opinion on children.

What to do?It is worth carefully figuring out whether this is really manipulation or whether the grandmother really has something with her health: to offer her an examination, treatment, recovery.

If he refuses, then it doesn't hurt so much. 

By the way, the reason for manipulating age and health may also be that grandchildren are uncontrollable, it is difficult to communicate with them, they destroy the house and do not give peace of mind to an elderly person. In this case, it is necessary to engage in their upbringing and as little as possible to ask the grandmother to perform the role of a nanny. 

5. Rivalry between grandmothers.

If a child has a full set of grandparents, rivalry may arise between them. They are fighting, of course, for the attention of their grandson, although, in fact, every grandmother has the same rights to him. 

• They ask meticulously about the gifts that the other party handed over.
• They try to "outbid the bet" by buying a gift more expensive and better. 
• They ask how much time the grandchildren spend with other grandparents. 
• They are offended if they were given less attention. 

It will be uncomfortable for grandchildren to be between two fires, and the conflicts provoked by this "cold war" worsen the psycho-emotional atmosphere in the family.

What to do?

If parents on both sides interfere in the upbringing of grandchildren, then you will have to show the wonders of diplomacy and try to reconcile the militant. It is advisable to evenly distribute the time that grandchildren spend with their grandparents.

As for gifts, trips and entertainment: the principle "you know less, you sleep better" applies here. To win the rivalry between grandmothers will help a steadfast neutrality and assurances that their grandchildren love them equally much. 

6. Help and reproaches.

Young parents sometimes have to ask grandmothers to babysit their grandchildren. For example, if the mother goes to work, but it didn't work out to get a job in the garden, or the child is often sick. 

If there are good relations between relatives, mutual assistance is in the order of things. But it also happens that when rendering a service, the older generation does not miss the opportunity to mention how much they help out. 

Sometimes it turns into direct reproaches. It creates a feeling of trap, hopelessness — it is impossible to do without the help of a toxic grandmother, but it is extremely difficult to tolerate her attacks. 

What to do?We do not give birth to children for toxic grandmothers, but for ourselves.

Therefore, if you really have to turn to your parents with a request to look after your grandchildren, then you need to be prepared for some kind of resistance. 

Not everyone has the courage to refuse to help their own children. But grandmother does not want to fulfill their request and regularly sit with her grandson. This is how reproaches are born. Their goal: 

• to remind you how much effort is spent on such assistance;
• hint that it's time to wrap up and find a babysitter (take the child to the garden);
• express annoyance (without any background). 

If a toxic grandmother climbs into the upbringing of a child, then there is only one way out of the situation — to solve the issue of child care without her participation.

7. Excessive praise and bias.

As an American proverb says, no cowboy will get his colt faster than a grandfather — a picture of his grandson. 

It's great to be proud of your grandson and rejoice in his success. But it's bad if a grandmother brings up her grandson in an atmosphere of worship. Exaggerates victories and downplays misdeeds. He is biased: "Our Pavlik is the best!". There is 0 educational value in this, but there is a lot of harm.

The child quickly gets used to outright flattery, begins to perceive himself not quite adequately. He becomes egocentric, demanding, hysterical, if the next pseudo-achievements were not appreciated.

What to do?

It is useless to demand objectivity from elderly people who have found a source of love and positive emotions in their grandchildren. It is better to gradually cool their ardor and restrain their enthusiasm with fair comments: "Yes, the baby is well done, but we do not allow him to draw porridge on the table." 

If this does not help, you will have to concentrate on the child: prevent the development of egocentrism and form a healthy self-esteem. The principle of balance will help — parents should balance the abundance of praise with sober assessments of the child's achievements. 

*****

Swedish writer Frederick Buckman wrote in one of his books: "If you have a grandmother, consider that you have a whole army behind you." 

Do not deprive grandmothers and grandchildren of communication because of contradictions arising on parenting issues. Any conflict can be resolved peacefully if you remember that you are not strangers to each other. Patience and wisdom to each of you! July 13, 2020 2022-11-26 2020-07-13 Rate the article on a 5-point scale Did you like the article?