How to teach a child to control emotions

The ability to control emotions distinguishes an adult from a child. Due to the immaturity of the nervous system and lack of experience in responding to different situations, babies do not cope well with feelings. And both of a negative and positive nature.  Why it is difficult for children to restrain emotions and how parents can teach them self—control - read below. 

The physiological nature of children's emotionalityAll parents would like their children to have fun and be happy, and not sad, nervous, hysterical.

But the psyche and the mechanism of emotions are arranged in such a way that if a person does not know how to be sad, then he does not know how to rejoice. 

As Charles Darwin said,

"... emotions arose in the process of evolution as a means by which living beings establish the significance of certain conditions for satisfying their needs. Emotions are instincts of a higher order." 

In an ideal situation, emotions are balanced — once we are calm and balanced, and once we are irritable and sad. This process is regulated by the most complex systems of the body — nervous, hormonal. Their work depends on external and internal factors: fatigue, stress, fright, unexpected or undesirable situations.

Also read: Who are you in your relationship with children — a servant or a queen?

The most significant internal factor determining the overall level of emotionality is the immaturity of the child's nervous system. Children acquire the ability to control their emotions at the age of 5 to 7 years. Their nervous system adapts to stimuli based on existing experience, previously laid neural connections. Until the age of 5, children simply do not know how to manage their emotions, since this is a skill acquired over time. How does the tendency to tantrums develop

The newborn communicates his desires and discomfort by crying.

This is the only way for him to let his parents know that he is hungry, cold, or vice versa — he is hot. Mom reacts to the so-called "shades of crying" and understands exactly what the baby needs at this moment. Thus, a stable relationship is formed: need → crying → result. 

The baby grows up and begins to speak the first words. But his vocabulary is not enough to express his desire or need. Therefore, at the age of 1-2, children use the only available and understandable tool for them — crying. It is expressed in different ways: in the form of whimpering or full-scale hysteria. At the age of 3, when normotypic children already possess basic communication skills, crying appears only when, despite the request expressed in words, their need is not satisfied. 

A child can say "give me a toy" (a new skill is to signal the need with speech), and if the parents do not do this, he understands that the new skill is ineffective. So, you need to resort to the old and more effective way to get what you want — to cry, to shout. This is a very important point that determines the further vector of the baby's development. Either he finally brings the old method to the fore and becomes a whiny and hysterical child, or he realizes that he will not achieve anything with hysteria.Also read: Why a child beats himself

But the bottom line is that the baby does not come to this conclusion by himself, but with the help of parents. They must resist the desire of the baby, expressed by hysteria. But many people don't do it: actually, you can't, but if you cry, you can. And what do they get in the end? A child who does not know self-control and who is extremely difficult to persuade, calm down. How to teach children to control their emotions

To begin with, it is worth understanding that up to 5 years you will not succeed due to physiology.

The child's nervous system is still so immature that it is foolish to demand from her what she is not capable of. Yes, you can lay the foundations of self-control long before that age. To tell how to react to different situations, what can be said and what is not worth it, and so on. But demanding self—control from kids is like trying to grab a poppy seed with Chinese chopsticks.

Learn to follow the rules At preschool age, most children go to kindergarten, where they get acquainted with the daily routine, rules and prohibitions.

This is one of the important steps for mastering the principles of self-control. Try to explain to the child why and why these rules exist: 

✓ why do exercises every morning — to finally wake up, cheer up and stretch your body;

✓ why can't you take kindergarten toys home — because this is the property of the garden, all the children of the group should use it, not just you;

✓ why you need to sit quietly and listen to the teacher in the classroom — because there are a lot of children, but there is only one teacher, and if everyone messes around, then no one will learn anything useful. 

Why explain it? So that the child does not have internal resistance to self-control. So that he understands that his emotions and suddenly appeared desires can go against the established rules. So, you need to keep yourself in hand. 

Children are curious. They are interested in the nature of things, the laws by which a certain system exists. And if you make it clear that any ban is not just a whim, but an extremely necessary measure, then in the picture of the child's world this explanation will become the missing puzzle. By waving off questions and not explaining their own or kindergarten requirements / rules / prohibitions, parents can provoke undesirable consequences. The child will understand that the rules are incomprehensible, unnecessary, stupid, so they should not be followed. What will it lead to? Show care and support

When a baby cries (no matter what the reason), the worst thing parents can do is to yell at him, to silence him immediately.

He is already feeling bad, he is genuinely annoyed by the current situation, he does not know how to express his sadness to others. And in addition, mom and dad are yelling or even worse — they give a kick in the ass. The suffering of the baby is only getting worse because of this.

During an emotional outburst, step back, observe. If the baby does not calm down in any way, hug him. Try to talk or make him hear your words. Say that you understand his feelings, but, unfortunately, you cannot do as he wants. Show care and love — at this moment the baby really needs them.

Develop emotional intelligenceThe book "Psychology of Emotions: Feelings under Control" by Dan Dubravin describes the importance of improving a child's emotional intelligence (EQ):

"The intelligence quotient, or IQ, shows a person's ability to operate with information, logical rules, schemes, etc. For success in life, this is clearly not enough. You need to at least still understand feelings, emotions — both your own and other people's — and manage them. Therefore, the researchers turned to the study of EQ."

The ability to read other people's emotions does not come by itself. It develops in parallel with the ability to express their own feelings. And to express correctly means to control. There is a lot of information on the development of emotional intelligence, videos, interactive games and manuals for self-study on the web. Use them to raise your level and teach this to your child. 

You can also take courses where a qualified psychologist will help you understand the range of feelings — your own and other people's. There are classes for children, where in an accessible playful way they are taught to correctly express their emotions and understand the emotions of others. 

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The best educational method is to teach a child by example. It is unlikely that he will be calm and restrained if his mother falls into hysterics from the arrow on the tights, and his father swears at the wheel of passing drivers of other cars. Remember: children are a sponge that absorbs everything that its habitat is filled with. And any of your actions in the presence of a child should take place with an eye on this. Then he will definitely take over the ability to control emotions from his parents — naturally and without much effort.